Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 14
Stan Hooper in the Hospital
Stan Hooper….Norm MacDonald
Gwendolyn Hooper….Cheri Oteri
Monique Hooper….Elle McPherson
(Opens with an outside view of Strong Memorial Hospital. A blurry image becomes clearer. The face of an orderly looks down on us)
Orderly: Oh, my God! Mr.Hooper! Can you hear me, Mr. Hooper?! Mr.Hooper? Doctor! Doctor!(runs out)
(Doctor comes in and stands next to a bedridden Stan Hooper)
Doctor: Mr.Hooper, Mr.Hooper. Can you hear me?
Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah.
Doctor: You´ve been in a coma for many years. Welcome back.
Stan Hooper: Where am I?
Doctor: You´re in a hospital.
Stan Hooper: Oh, who am I? What´s my name?
Doctor: (looking in his chart) Your name is Stan. Stan Hooper.
Stan Hooper: Stan Hooper?
Doctor: Now Mr. Hooper, you´ve undoubtedly lost most of your memory. You´ll have to re-learn things slowly. Tell me, do you remember anything about your life?
Stan Hooper: Don´t I live in a big house with a pool?
Doctor: No. You actually live in your parents basement in Queens.
Stan Hooper: Oh, so what am I? A young guy? College student or something?
Doctor: No. You´re 38, uh, you drive a Gremlin and uh, you used to work in one of those factories that make those sanitation cakes you put in urinals.
Stan Hooper: Good Lord….why did you wake me up?
Doctor: Mr.Hooper, relax. There´s some people here to see you. You know, you´re wife Gwendolyn is here.
Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah?
(A beautiful redhead enters the room, hugs and cuddles Stan)
Monique Hooper: Hi-i-i!
Stan Hooper: Holy Lord! God! Look at this! Oh, my God! I can´t believe it! Look at her! She´s like a model. Its my wife. Hey, doc! Check out my wife over here!
Monique Hooper: Stan…
Stan Hooper: Yeah, what do you want, sweetie?
Doctor: Um, Mr.Hooper. This is actually your sister, Monique. Here´s your wife.
(Enters the room a short, unattractive woman with glasses)
Gwendolyn Hooper: Hey, darling. Thank God you´re ok!
Stan Hooper: (bummed out) Oh, no,no,no,no,no. You are not my wife. (to Monique) This is my wife. This one right over here. On my left. She´s my wife. I don´t know what the hell you are but I know its not my wife.
Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, I am your wife Gwendolyn, remember? Gwendolyn Hooper.
Doctor: Please, Ms. Hooper. Your husband is confused. He´s only been conscious for a few minutes.
Stan Hooper: Ok, so let me get this straight now. You´re telling me that this is my sister? (to Monique) And this is my wife?(to Gwendolyn)
Stan Hooper: Ok, just to be perfectly clear, doc. (to Gwendolyn) This one over here, I will see naked for the rest of my life?
Stan Hooper: (to Monique) But not this one!
Doctor: Yes, that´s correct.
Stan Hooper: You know what would be great? How about if you put me back in that coma?
Doctor: Mr.Hooper, I can´t do that.
Stan Hooper: Hey, you know what? Sister is one of them funny words, you know? It could mean actual sister, you know like, it could mean you know, like a nun, you know, it could be some crazy nickname for the girl you´re sleeping with?
Doctor: In this case sister means biological sister.
Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, I love you…
Stan Hooper: (to Gwendolyn) Hang on, lady! Hang on! Hey! I remember! I was switched at birth! I´m not your brother after all! (hugs Monique) This is great!
Monique Hooper: Stan, stop being so silly.
Stan Hooper: I wasn´t silly.
Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, don´t you remember our wedding day? That little church upstate?
Stan Hooper: Ma´am! Please! Good God!! Now, Monique…God, that is such a sexy name, Monique. You know, I seem to recall, you know, that in certain areas in the Appalachian mountains, you know, sex between siblings is considered normal. We´re from there, aren´t we?
Monique Hooper: Stan, we´re from Chicago.
Stan Hooper: Yeah, well, Chicago, Appalachia, who the hell cares?
Gwendolyn Hooper: Please, darling, for the sake of the children why don´t you come home, please?
Stan Hooper: Back OFF, LADY!! I mean it!!
Doctor: Mr.Hooper, you´re going through a lot. Just take it easy.
Stan Hooper: Oh, oh. Hey, wait a second, wait a second. I get it. This is a joke. Its a joke. Man, this is some joke! I got to tell you, you´re my wife (to Monique) and you´re my sister (to Gwendolyn)you got together while I was in my coma and figured out this great joke! The old switcheroo on the guy in coma joke! I love it! Ha, ha! That´s rich! Ha, ha, ha.
Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, its been 5 years, 5 long years, sweet baby. Please, we got a lot of catching up to do, Stan.
Stan Hooper: Hey, beat it! Anyway, Monique….
Announcer: Stan Hooper fully recovered from his coma to become a United States congressman, where he went on to pass legislation, making it ok for coma victims to have sex with their sisters.
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel