SNL Transcripts: Elle MacPherson: 02/24/96: Stan Hooper in the Hospital


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 14

95n: Elle MacPherson / Sting

Stan Hooper in the Hospital

Stan Hooper….Norm MacDonald
Doctor….Will Ferrell
Gwendolyn Hooper….Cheri Oteri
Monique Hooper….Elle McPherson
Orderly….Colin Quinn

(Opens with an outside view of Strong Memorial Hospital. A blurry image becomes clearer. The face of an orderly looks down on us)

Orderly: Oh, my God! Mr.Hooper! Can you hear me, Mr. Hooper?! Mr.Hooper? Doctor! Doctor!(runs out)

(Doctor comes in and stands next to a bedridden Stan Hooper)

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, Mr.Hooper. Can you hear me?

Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah.

Doctor: You´ve been in a coma for many years. Welcome back.

Stan Hooper: Where am I?

Doctor: You´re in a hospital.

Stan Hooper: Oh, who am I? What´s my name?

Doctor: (looking in his chart) Your name is Stan. Stan Hooper.

Stan Hooper: Stan Hooper?

Doctor: Now Mr. Hooper, you´ve undoubtedly lost most of your memory. You´ll have to re-learn things slowly. Tell me, do you remember anything about your life?

Stan Hooper: Don´t I live in a big house with a pool?

Doctor: No. You actually live in your parents basement in Queens.

Stan Hooper: Oh, so what am I? A young guy? College student or something?

Doctor: No. You´re 38, uh, you drive a Gremlin and uh, you used to work in one of those factories that make those sanitation cakes you put in urinals.

Stan Hooper: Good Lord….why did you wake me up?

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, relax. There´s some people here to see you. You know, you´re wife Gwendolyn is here.

Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah?

(A beautiful redhead enters the room, hugs and cuddles Stan)

Monique Hooper: Hi-i-i!

Stan Hooper: Holy Lord! God! Look at this! Oh, my God! I can´t believe it! Look at her! She´s like a model. Its my wife. Hey, doc! Check out my wife over here!

Monique Hooper: Stan…

Stan Hooper: Yeah, what do you want, sweetie?

Doctor: Um, Mr.Hooper. This is actually your sister, Monique. Here´s your wife.

(Enters the room a short, unattractive woman with glasses)

Gwendolyn Hooper: Hey, darling. Thank God you´re ok!

Stan Hooper: (bummed out) Oh, no,no,no,no,no. You are not my wife. (to Monique) This is my wife. This one right over here. On my left. She´s my wife. I don´t know what the hell you are but I know its not my wife.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, I am your wife Gwendolyn, remember? Gwendolyn Hooper.

Doctor: Please, Ms. Hooper. Your husband is confused. He´s only been conscious for a few minutes.

Stan Hooper: Ok, so let me get this straight now. You´re telling me that this is my sister? (to Monique) And this is my wife?(to Gwendolyn)

Doctor: Yes.

Stan Hooper: Ok, just to be perfectly clear, doc. (to Gwendolyn) This one over here, I will see naked for the rest of my life?

Doctor: Right.

Stan Hooper: (to Monique) But not this one!

Doctor: Yes, that´s correct.

Stan Hooper: You know what would be great? How about if you put me back in that coma?

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, I can´t do that.

Stan Hooper: Hey, you know what? Sister is one of them funny words, you know? It could mean actual sister, you know like, it could mean you know, like a nun, you know, it could be some crazy nickname for the girl you´re sleeping with?

Doctor: In this case sister means biological sister.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, I love you…

Stan Hooper: (to Gwendolyn) Hang on, lady! Hang on! Hey! I remember! I was switched at birth! I´m not your brother after all! (hugs Monique) This is great!

Monique Hooper: Stan, stop being so silly.

Stan Hooper: I wasn´t silly.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, don´t you remember our wedding day? That little church upstate?

Stan Hooper: Ma´am! Please! Good God!! Now, Monique…God, that is such a sexy name, Monique. You know, I seem to recall, you know, that in certain areas in the Appalachian mountains, you know, sex between siblings is considered normal. We´re from there, aren´t we?

Monique Hooper: Stan, we´re from Chicago.

Stan Hooper: Yeah, well, Chicago, Appalachia, who the hell cares?

Gwendolyn Hooper: Please, darling, for the sake of the children why don´t you come home, please?

Stan Hooper: Back OFF, LADY!! I mean it!!

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, you´re going through a lot. Just take it easy.

Stan Hooper: Oh, oh. Hey, wait a second, wait a second. I get it. This is a joke. Its a joke. Man, this is some joke! I got to tell you, you´re my wife (to Monique) and you´re my sister (to Gwendolyn)you got together while I was in my coma and figured out this great joke! The old switcheroo on the guy in coma joke! I love it! Ha, ha! That´s rich! Ha, ha, ha.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, its been 5 years, 5 long years, sweet baby. Please, we got a lot of catching up to do, Stan.

Stan Hooper: Hey, beat it! Anyway, Monique….

(Scene freezes)

Announcer: Stan Hooper fully recovered from his coma to become a United States congressman, where he went on to pass legislation, making it ok for coma victims to have sex with their sisters.

(cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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