Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 15
Bill Brasky’s Buddies at Holiday Inn
First Friend of Brasky … David Koechner
Second Friend of Brasky … Will Ferrell
Third Friend of Brasky … John Goodman
Fourth Friend of Brasky … Mark McKinney
Fifth Friend of Brasky … Tim Meadows
[Fade in on a an image of a sign reading: Holiday Inn, with a smaller marquee reading: Lawn Mower Parts Sales Convention 1996. Dissolve to the interior where four members of the Brasky Bunch sit at a bar and are laughing loudly.]
Third Friend of Brasky: Have you guys ever worked with a guy by the name of Bill Brasky?
Other Three Friends: Bill Brasky!
Second Friend of Brasky: Sure Have and I tell you one thing: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch.
First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office.
Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know he goes about 6’8” 340 pounds.
Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman’s bikini around the office?
Fourth Friend of Brasky: Oh God, I love this story.
First Friend of Brasky: And I’d love to have sex with your wife.
Second Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause] Anyway, Brasky tears off my clothes and makes wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct all my business wearing a woman’s bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily but at the end of the quarter I’ll be damned if my sales hadn’t tripled.
Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky.
All: Bill Brasky!
First Friend of Brasky: He goes about 7’10” 590.
Second Friend of Brasky: He’ll eat a homeless person if you dare him.
[A man, who has been sitting in the background since the sketch began, turns and points to the others:]
Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, are you guys talking about Bill Brasky?
Third Friend of Brasky: We certainly are.
Fifth Friend of Brasky: I know Bill Brasky.
Second Friend of Brasky: Then let me buy you a round.
Fourth Friend of Brasky: ‘At a boy, Hank. Now here’s something. You know uh, You know how I like to steal lose change and valuable from your houses whenever I’m over? [after a slight pause] Anyway, Here’s a Brasky story.
Second Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]
Fourth Friend of Brasky: One time I ask Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children. You know Jaccob and Christine?
First Friend of Brasky: Sure, they’re dumb as rocks and always have dirty faces.
Fourth Friend of Brasky: That’s them, That’s them. Well Brasky shows up as Santa, reaches into his bag, and says, I’ve got goodies for you kids. He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to ’em. Then he takes off his beard and says, There’s no Santa ’cause I ate him.
Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky’s a son of a bitch.
All: Bill Brasky!
Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know Brasky goes about 9’8” 780 pounds?
Third Friend of Brasky: Oh, you know he sheds his skin once a year?
Second Friend of Brasky: I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.
First Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time that I went horseback riding with Brasky? But there weren’t any horses around.
Fourth Friend of Brasky: [talking to the bartender] Hey, a silver soda.
First Friend of Brasky: Make that four. Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me for three… Whoa, easy there, Hank. There’s no scotch in that glass. He throws a saddle on me and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well, wouldn’t you know it, my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles.
Third Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]
First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeder’s Cup, right. Under the name Turkish Delight. And I’m runnin’ in second place, and I’m runnin’ and I break my ankle.
Third and Fourth Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]
First Friend of Brasky: So anyway, they’re about to shoot me, right? Then someone from the crowd yells out, God Bless him, Don’t shoot him. He’s a human.
Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, I lost money on you.
Second Friend of Brasky: Hi, I like you a lot.
First Friend of Brasky: I like you too.
Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, is this guy going to hurt me?
Fourth Friend of Brasky: No no, He likes you, he likes you.
Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky.
All: Bill Brasky!
Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle?
Third Friend of Brasky: Like an alligator, he can fully digest a turtle shell.
First Friend of Brasky: His favorite TV movie is The Boy In The Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta.
Second Friend of Brasky: He’ll… [speaks incoherently]
All: To Bill Brasky!
Big Booming Voice: [from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle] Gentlemen, I’m the new bartender. Who wants a cocktail?
All: Bill Brasky![fade]
Submitted by: Ryan M.
