Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 15
John Goodman’s Monologue
…..John Goodman
…..Elle MacPherson
…..Jim Breuer
…..Norm MacDonald
…..Mark McKinney
…..Tim Meadows
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Molly Shannon
…..Nancy Walls
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — John Goodman!
John Goodman: Thank you! Thank you very much! It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for — can you believe it? The 7th time!
[ Cheers and applause ]
John Goodman: Now when you host five times, that puts you in the Five-Timers Club. And that’s great! Because you know what that gets you? 50% off at all participating Red Lobsters. And when you host six times, it gets even better! Lorne personally hands you the keys to a brand new Mercedes Benz convertible SL… and then he has you drive him to the opera. But when you host seven times, that’s the sweetest!
[ John gives a “sweet life” kiss. ]
John Goodman: Because you don’t have to do the monologue. That’s right! You can do whatever you want — like right now, I want to sit down!
[ Dignitary music plays as two stagehands place down a throne adorned with a large “7” on top. Elle MacPherson comes on home base and places a “7” crown on John’s head while holding a “7” scepter. ]
Elle MacPherson: Here’s your scepter.
[ John takes the scepter. ]
John Goodman: Why thank you, supermodel Elle MacPherson!
[ Elle curtsies and departs. John heads to his throne. ]
John Goodman: She a 10 and I’m a 7! Here we go — I’m going to sit back and have my favorite beverage — a Seven & Seven!
[ A crew member hands him the beverage. ]
John Goodman: You know, this reminds me of my film “King Ralph”, which, seven people went to go see! Coincidence? I think not. One of the great things about hosting seven times is Lorne gives you access to his secret remote control. Let’s take a look, shall we?
[ John grabs a remote control on the throne and pushes a button. ]
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – THE CONTROL ROOM ]
John Goodman (V/O): That’s the control room. Pretty cool, huh?
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – MOLLY’S DRESSING ROOM ]
[ Molly Shannon’s rested on her couch, rehearsing tonight’s script. ]
John Goodman (V/O): That’s Molly going over her lines.
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – TIM’S DRESSING ROOM ]
[ Tim Meadows is flexing his muscles in front of the mirror. ]
Tim Meadows: Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
John Goodman (V/O): That’s Tim. I don’t know what he’s doing.
Tim Meadows: Whoo-oo!!
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – LADIES ROOM ]
John Goodman (V/O): Ladies room! Cool!!
[ A toilet flushes. The stall opens. Nancy Walls emerges and adjusts her hair as she leaves. ]
John Goodman (V/O): That’s Nancy Walls.
[ Mark McKinney exits the same stall and zips his pants. ]
John Goodman (V/O): And that’s Mark McKinney!
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – CONTROL ROOM ]
John Goodman (V/O): That’s boring. I’ve already seen that.
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – NORM’S DRESSING ROOM ]
[ Norm MacDonald’s emceeing a cockfight with several Mexican gamblers. ]
John Goodman (V/O): That’s Norm getting ready for Update.
[ Back to Home Base. ]
John Goodman: Cool. But the best part about hosting seven times — I can make the cast do whatever I want! Jim Breuer!
[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – MAKEUP ROOM ]
[ Jim Breuer’s getting make-up applied. ]
Jim Breuer: Yeah, John? I’m kind of busy getting ready.
John Goodman (V/O): I don’t think so.
[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]
John Goodman: I want you to come out here and do that thing you did last night while we were at dinner?
Jim Breuer: What thing?
John Goodman: You know — that impression of Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole.
Jim Breuer: John, we were drunk last night. I don’t think — I don’t — no, I don’t want to do it. No.
John Goodman: Lorne…
[ Lorne Michaels is watching the monologue on a monitor under the bleachers. ]
John Goodman (V/O): Is Jim doing it?
[ Lorne nods. ]
[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]
John Goodman: See you soon!
[ Jim is pissed. ]
[ Back to Home Base. ]
John Goodman: You see, Jim & I went out last night for St. Patty’s Day and had one too many… actually seven too many! And I think combined, we both threw up seven times. Now let’s get some production values.
[ Two large Dole for President Posters, plastered with Dole’s face, drop down. John gets up. ]
John Goodman: Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of my 7th time hosting and because I want to see it, here’s Jim Breuer as Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole!
[ John goes back to his throne. Jim enters dressed as Alanis Morissette. ]
Jim Breuer: [ Alanis’ Voice ] Hit it boys!
[ INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC: “HAND IN MY POCKET” ]
Jim Breuer: [singing]
“He’s wrinkly but rugged
He’s grey but his hair is dyed
Liver spots on his forehead, Ba-by!!”
“What is all comes down to, my Republican friend,
Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!?
Because Bob’s got one hand in his pocket,
While Clinton’s hand squeezing some girl’s behind!”
[ John winks to the camera. ]
“He was friend with Bob Hope’s dad
He’s old but doesn’t drool
Okay he drools but not a lot
Not as much as Re-aa-gan!!!”
[ John’s swaying to the song. ]
“What is all comes down to, my Republican friend,
Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!?
Because Bob’s got one hand holding a pencil,
While the other one’s giving a victory sign!”
[ Jim starts playing the harmonica solo on the song. John gets up and claps. Jim exits. ]
John Goodman: Thank you, Jim! Everclear is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!
Submitted by: Cody Downs
