SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 03/16/96: John Goodman’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15













95o: John Goodman / Everclear

John Goodman’s Monologue

…..John Goodman
…..Elle MacPherson
…..Jim Breuer
…..Norm MacDonald
…..Mark McKinney
…..Tim Meadows
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Molly Shannon
…..Nancy Walls

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — John Goodman!

John Goodman: Thank you! Thank you very much! It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for — can you believe it? The 7th time!

[ Cheers and applause ]

John Goodman: Now when you host five times, that puts you in the Five-Timers Club. And that’s great! Because you know what that gets you? 50% off at all participating Red Lobsters. And when you host six times, it gets even better! Lorne personally hands you the keys to a brand new Mercedes Benz convertible SL… and then he has you drive him to the opera. But when you host seven times, that’s the sweetest!

[ John gives a “sweet life” kiss. ]

John Goodman: Because you don’t have to do the monologue. That’s right! You can do whatever you want — like right now, I want to sit down!

[ Dignitary music plays as two stagehands place down a throne adorned with a large “7” on top. Elle MacPherson comes on home base and places a “7” crown on John’s head while holding a “7” scepter. ]

Elle MacPherson: Here’s your scepter.

[ John takes the scepter. ]

John Goodman: Why thank you, supermodel Elle MacPherson!

[ Elle curtsies and departs. John heads to his throne. ]

John Goodman: She a 10 and I’m a 7! Here we go — I’m going to sit back and have my favorite beverage — a Seven & Seven!

[ A crew member hands him the beverage. ]

John Goodman: You know, this reminds me of my film “King Ralph”, which, seven people went to go see! Coincidence? I think not. One of the great things about hosting seven times is Lorne gives you access to his secret remote control. Let’s take a look, shall we?

[ John grabs a remote control on the throne and pushes a button. ]

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – THE CONTROL ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s the control room. Pretty cool, huh?

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – MOLLY’S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Molly Shannon’s rested on her couch, rehearsing tonight’s script. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Molly going over her lines.

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – TIM’S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Tim Meadows is flexing his muscles in front of the mirror. ]

Tim Meadows: Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Tim. I don’t know what he’s doing.

Tim Meadows: Whoo-oo!!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – LADIES ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): Ladies room! Cool!!

[ A toilet flushes. The stall opens. Nancy Walls emerges and adjusts her hair as she leaves. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Nancy Walls.

[ Mark McKinney exits the same stall and zips his pants. ]

John Goodman (V/O): And that’s Mark McKinney!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – CONTROL ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s boring. I’ve already seen that.

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – NORM’S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Norm MacDonald’s emceeing a cockfight with several Mexican gamblers. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Norm getting ready for Update.

[ Back to Home Base. ]

John Goodman: Cool. But the best part about hosting seven times — I can make the cast do whatever I want! Jim Breuer!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – MAKEUP ROOM ]

[ Jim Breuer’s getting make-up applied. ]

Jim Breuer: Yeah, John? I’m kind of busy getting ready.

John Goodman (V/O): I don’t think so.

[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]

John Goodman: I want you to come out here and do that thing you did last night while we were at dinner?

Jim Breuer: What thing?

John Goodman: You know — that impression of Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole.

Jim Breuer: John, we were drunk last night. I don’t think — I don’t — no, I don’t want to do it. No.

John Goodman: Lorne…

[ Lorne Michaels is watching the monologue on a monitor under the bleachers. ]

John Goodman (V/O): Is Jim doing it?

[ Lorne nods. ]

[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]

John Goodman: See you soon!

[ Jim is pissed. ]

[ Back to Home Base. ]

John Goodman: You see, Jim & I went out last night for St. Patty’s Day and had one too many… actually seven too many! And I think combined, we both threw up seven times. Now let’s get some production values.

[ Two large Dole for President Posters, plastered with Dole’s face, drop down. John gets up. ]

John Goodman: Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of my 7th time hosting and because I want to see it, here’s Jim Breuer as Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole!

[ John goes back to his throne. Jim enters dressed as Alanis Morissette. ]

Jim Breuer: [ Alanis’ Voice ] Hit it boys!

[ INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC: “HAND IN MY POCKET” ]

Jim Breuer: [singing]“He’s wrinkly but rugged
He’s grey but his hair is dyed
Liver spots on his forehead, Ba-by!!”

“What is all comes down to, my Republican friend,
Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!?
Because Bob’s got one hand in his pocket,
While Clinton’s hand squeezing some girl’s behind!”

[ John winks to the camera. ]

“He was friend with Bob Hope’s dad
He’s old but doesn’t drool
Okay he drools but not a lot
Not as much as Re-aa-gan!!!”

[ John’s swaying to the song. ]

“What is all comes down to, my Republican friend,
Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!?
Because Bob’s got one hand holding a pencil,
While the other one’s giving a victory sign!”

[ Jim starts playing the harmonica solo on the song. John gets up and claps. Jim exits. ]

John Goodman: Thank you, Jim! Everclear is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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