Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 15
The Real World I
Kristen…..Cheri Oteri
Terry…..Mark McKinney
Chloe…..Molly Shanno
Hoagie…..Jim Breuer
Annabel…..Nancy Walls
Chris…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald
Kristen Voiceover: This is a true story..
Terry Voiceover: ..of seven strangers.
Chloe Voiceover: ..picked to live in a house..
Hoagie Voiceover: ..and have their lives taped.
Annabel Voiceover: Find our what happens..
Chris Voiceover: ..when people stop being polite..
Bob Dole Voiceover: ..and start getting real. The Real World”, Chicago.
[ cut to the housemates sitting around in a rap session ]
Chris: ..and I guess his motorcycle ran head into a gasoline truck..
[ everyone gasps ]
Annabel: When did this happen?
Chris: Yesterday. He’s in a coma.
[ Bob Dole, oblivious to the conversation, walks in angry, holding an empty peanut butter jar ]
Bob Dole: Who the hell ate my peanut butter?! Peanut butter!
Chris: I guess I did. Why?
Bob Dole: Yeah, well, now it’s gone! Next time, ask! Nobody eats Bob Dole’s peanut butter without asking!
Chris: Whatever..
[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]
Annabel: Bob needed to work on his “people skills”..
[ cut back to the scene ]
Bob Dole: You wanna chip in, that’s a different story. Otherwise, keep your grubby hands out of Bob Dole’s peanut butter! [ throws the empty jar across the floor ]
[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]
Annabel: So I called a house meeting..
[ cut to Bob Dole giving his version of the scene ]
Bob Dole: Bob Dole likes peanut butter. Bob Dole’s never made asecret of that.
[ cut to the meeting called by Annabel ]
Annabel: Okay. Look, the reason I called this meeting, alright, is because I think there’s some issues that we need to face.
[ Bob Dole stands over Terry, who’s sitting in a chair reading a book ]
Bob Dole: Get out of my chair!
Terry: Oh, relax, Senator.
Bob Dole: That’s Bob Dole’s chair, and everybody knows it! [ shoves Terry out of the chair ]
Chloe: Bob!
[ cut to summarizations of the scene from Terry, Hoagie, Bob Dole, andAnnabel ]
Terry: Bob flipped out over me being in his chair.. “his chair.”
Hoagie: You wanna bug like that over a chair – do your bug thing.
Bob Dole: [ silently shifts his eyes back and forth ]
Annabel: I called another house meeting.
[ cut to the new meeting called by Annabel ]
Annabel: Okay. We’re here to talk about the incident with his chair.
Kristen: It’s not even his chair.
Annabel: Bob, you have to understand you can’t always sit in your favorite chair.
[ show Bob trying to comfortable on a red bean bag ]
[ cut to Chloe talking about a separate incident ]
Chloe: I bought.. um.. a coat at a thrift store last week. It was my “special coat.” And, um.. I came in, and Bob’s dog had, um.. gone to the bathroom all over my coat..
[ show scene of Chloe discovering Bob’s dog peeing on her coat ]
Chloe: Who the f–k brought a dog here?!
[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]
Chloe: And I said, “Bob, you know, you’re a nice guy..”[ show scene of Chloe bitching out Bob ]
Chloe: Well, you know what, Bob?! You should f–kin’ ask before you bring a f–kin’ dog home!
[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]
Chloe: “I feel close to you”, I said, “but you have to be responsible. It’s not responsible to bring a dog into the house. You can’t let this happen.”
[ show Bob lying on the floor, his dog licking his face playfully ]
[ fade to black ]
