SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 03/16/96: The Real World I


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

The Real World I

Kristen…..Cheri Oteri
Terry…..Mark McKinney
Chloe…..Molly Shanno
Hoagie…..Jim Breuer
Annabel…..Nancy Walls
Chris…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

Kristen Voiceover: This is a true story..

Terry Voiceover: ..of seven strangers.

Chloe Voiceover: ..picked to live in a house..

Hoagie Voiceover: ..and have their lives taped.

Annabel Voiceover: Find our what happens..

Chris Voiceover: ..when people stop being polite..

Bob Dole Voiceover: ..and start getting real. The Real World”, Chicago.

[ cut to the housemates sitting around in a rap session ]

Chris: ..and I guess his motorcycle ran head into a gasoline truck..

[ everyone gasps ]

Annabel: When did this happen?

Chris: Yesterday. He’s in a coma.

[ Bob Dole, oblivious to the conversation, walks in angry, holding an empty peanut butter jar ]

Bob Dole: Who the hell ate my peanut butter?! Peanut butter!

Chris: I guess I did. Why?

Bob Dole: Yeah, well, now it’s gone! Next time, ask! Nobody eats Bob Dole’s peanut butter without asking!

Chris: Whatever..

[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]

Annabel: Bob needed to work on his “people skills”..

[ cut back to the scene ]

Bob Dole: You wanna chip in, that’s a different story. Otherwise, keep your grubby hands out of Bob Dole’s peanut butter! [ throws the empty jar across the floor ] [ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]

Annabel: So I called a house meeting..

[ cut to Bob Dole giving his version of the scene ]

Bob Dole: Bob Dole likes peanut butter. Bob Dole’s never made asecret of that.

[ cut to the meeting called by Annabel ]

Annabel: Okay. Look, the reason I called this meeting, alright, is because I think there’s some issues that we need to face.

[ Bob Dole stands over Terry, who’s sitting in a chair reading a book ]

Bob Dole: Get out of my chair!

Terry: Oh, relax, Senator.

Bob Dole: That’s Bob Dole’s chair, and everybody knows it! [ shoves Terry out of the chair ]

Chloe: Bob!

[ cut to summarizations of the scene from Terry, Hoagie, Bob Dole, andAnnabel ]

Terry: Bob flipped out over me being in his chair.. “his chair.”

Hoagie: You wanna bug like that over a chair – do your bug thing.

Bob Dole: [ silently shifts his eyes back and forth ]

Annabel: I called another house meeting.

[ cut to the new meeting called by Annabel ]

Annabel: Okay. We’re here to talk about the incident with his chair.

Kristen: It’s not even his chair.

Annabel: Bob, you have to understand you can’t always sit in your favorite chair.

[ show Bob trying to comfortable on a red bean bag ] [ cut to Chloe talking about a separate incident ]

Chloe: I bought.. um.. a coat at a thrift store last week. It was my “special coat.” And, um.. I came in, and Bob’s dog had, um.. gone to the bathroom all over my coat..

[ show scene of Chloe discovering Bob’s dog peeing on her coat ]

Chloe: Who the f–k brought a dog here?!

[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]

Chloe: And I said, “Bob, you know, you’re a nice guy..”[ show scene of Chloe bitching out Bob ]

Chloe: Well, you know what, Bob?! You should f–kin’ ask before you bring a f–kin’ dog home!

[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]

Chloe: “I feel close to you”, I said, “but you have to be responsible. It’s not responsible to bring a dog into the house. You can’t let this happen.”

[ show Bob lying on the floor, his dog licking his face playfully ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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