SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 03/16/96: The Real World I

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

The Real World I

Kristen…..Cheri Oteri
Terry…..Mark McKinney
Chloe…..Molly Shanno
Hoagie…..Jim Breuer
Annabel…..Nancy Walls
Chris…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

Kristen Voiceover: This is a true story..

Terry Voiceover: ..of seven strangers.

Chloe Voiceover: ..picked to live in a house..

Hoagie Voiceover: ..and have their lives taped.

Annabel Voiceover: Find our what happens..

Chris Voiceover: ..when people stop being polite..

Bob Dole Voiceover: ..and start getting real. The Real World”, Chicago.

[ cut to the housemates sitting around in a rap session ]

Chris: ..and I guess his motorcycle ran head into a gasoline truck..

[ everyone gasps ]

Annabel: When did this happen?

Chris: Yesterday. He’s in a coma.

[ Bob Dole, oblivious to the conversation, walks in angry, holding an empty peanut butter jar ]

Bob Dole: Who the hell ate my peanut butter?! Peanut butter!

Chris: I guess I did. Why?

Bob Dole: Yeah, well, now it’s gone! Next time, ask! Nobody eats Bob Dole’s peanut butter without asking!

Chris: Whatever..

[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]

Annabel: Bob needed to work on his “people skills”..

[ cut back to the scene ]

Bob Dole: You wanna chip in, that’s a different story. Otherwise, keep your grubby hands out of Bob Dole’s peanut butter! [ throws the empty jar across the floor ] [ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]

Annabel: So I called a house meeting..

[ cut to Bob Dole giving his version of the scene ]

Bob Dole: Bob Dole likes peanut butter. Bob Dole’s never made asecret of that.

[ cut to the meeting called by Annabel ]

Annabel: Okay. Look, the reason I called this meeting, alright, is because I think there’s some issues that we need to face.

[ Bob Dole stands over Terry, who’s sitting in a chair reading a book ]

Bob Dole: Get out of my chair!

Terry: Oh, relax, Senator.

Bob Dole: That’s Bob Dole’s chair, and everybody knows it! [ shoves Terry out of the chair ]

Chloe: Bob!

[ cut to summarizations of the scene from Terry, Hoagie, Bob Dole, andAnnabel ]

Terry: Bob flipped out over me being in his chair.. “his chair.”

Hoagie: You wanna bug like that over a chair – do your bug thing.

Bob Dole: [ silently shifts his eyes back and forth ]

Annabel: I called another house meeting.

[ cut to the new meeting called by Annabel ]

Annabel: Okay. We’re here to talk about the incident with his chair.

Kristen: It’s not even his chair.

Annabel: Bob, you have to understand you can’t always sit in your favorite chair.

[ show Bob trying to comfortable on a red bean bag ] [ cut to Chloe talking about a separate incident ]

Chloe: I bought.. um.. a coat at a thrift store last week. It was my “special coat.” And, um.. I came in, and Bob’s dog had, um.. gone to the bathroom all over my coat..

[ show scene of Chloe discovering Bob’s dog peeing on her coat ]

Chloe: Who the f–k brought a dog here?!

[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]

Chloe: And I said, “Bob, you know, you’re a nice guy..”[ show scene of Chloe bitching out Bob ]

Chloe: Well, you know what, Bob?! You should f–kin’ ask before you bring a f–kin’ dog home!

[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]

Chloe: “I feel close to you”, I said, “but you have to be responsible. It’s not responsible to bring a dog into the house. You can’t let this happen.”

[ show Bob lying on the floor, his dog licking his face playfully ] [ fade to black ]

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