Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 15
The Real World II
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald
Hoagie: Yes, it matters when! Because they’re my CDs, and I get to listen to ’em!
Kristen: Listen to you.. quit..
Hoagie: I dn’t wanna..![ Bob Dole walks past, tires of the argument, and kicks the back ofHoagie’s knee, sending him crashing to the ground ]
Kristen: Oh, my God!
Chris: Bob said, “No, I can’t get in touch with other people.”He said he had a fear of intimacy.. and I was just like, “Wow. Andyou’re going to be President?”[ cut to Bob Dole in the bathroom, practicing speeches in front of the mirror ]
Bob Dole: “I’m President Bob Dole, I’m President of the UnitedStates, nice to meet you, Ambassador! [ laughs ] This must be your lovely wife? Assistant? Sorry. Oh, your wife passed on? Oh, I.. I.. uh.. no way I could have known. Rest assured, you have the condolences of the President of the United States, I’m President of the United States, I’m President Bob Dole, I’m President and I live in the White House!”
Hoagie: [ walks in, amazed at the sight before him ] You arepathetic, man..[ cut to close-up of phone ringing ] [ show Bob feeding the fish in the tank, as Kristen enters ]
Kristen: Hi, Bob.
Bob Dole: Hello, there.
Kristen: Oh.. Bob, some election guy called for you.
Bob Dole: Who was it?
Kristen: I forgot..
Bob Dole: What do you mean “you forgot”?! What did he say!
Kristen: I don’t know.. something about exit polls, and the state being wrong, or something like that..[ cut to Terry summarizing the scene ]
Terry: We’re not being paid to be his secretary, and I’m not his secretary, and I wouldn’t be his secretary..[ return to scene ]
Bob Dole: What state?! Good God, woman, did you get aname!
Kristen: No. I’m sure if it’s important, he’ll call back.[ cut to Kristen summarizing the scene ]
Kristen: I think it’s safe to say that Bob and I have no communication, where communication is concerned.[ show Terry and Chris talking in the bedroom in the middle of the night ]
Chris: And then what happened?
Terry: I go up in the bedroom, and there’s my boyfriend Joey having, like, hot sex with this other guy..
Chris: Oh, man, that’s rough. What did you say?
Terry: I called him “Chicken Hawk”, every name in the book.. I called him “Mochachino Boy Slut”, and I dumped, like, this KY jelly all over them. But we winded up having this amazing three-way, it was, like, my first..
Chris: Oh, my God.. congratulations.
Terry: Thank you, thank you.
Chris: Are you gonna see him again?[ camera pans slowly up to see Bob Dole lying at the top of a bunk bed,eyes open wide, petrified at the contnet of the conversation that was woken him out of bed. ] [ fade to black ]