SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 03/16/96: The Real World II


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

The Real World II

Kristen…..Cheri Oteri
Terry…..Mark McKinney
Chloe…..Molly Shanno
Hoagie…..Jim Breuer
Annabel…..Nancy Walls
Chris…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

[ Segment #2 opens on Hoagie and Kristen arguing in the living room ]

Hoagie: Yes, it matters when! Because they’re my CDs, and I get to listen to ’em!

Kristen: Listen to you.. quit..

Hoagie: I dn’t wanna..!

[ Bob Dole walks past, tires of the argument, and kicks the back ofHoagie’s knee, sending him crashing to the ground ]

Kristen: Oh, my God!

[ cut to Chris explaining the living situation so far ]

Chris: Bob said, “No, I can’t get in touch with other people.”He said he had a fear of intimacy.. and I was just like, “Wow. Andyou’re going to be President?”

[ cut to Bob Dole in the bathroom, practicing speeches in front of the mirror ]

Bob Dole: “I’m President Bob Dole, I’m President of the UnitedStates, nice to meet you, Ambassador! [ laughs ] This must be your lovely wife? Assistant? Sorry. Oh, your wife passed on? Oh, I.. I.. uh.. no way I could have known. Rest assured, you have the condolences of the President of the United States, I’m President of the United States, I’m President Bob Dole, I’m President and I live in the White House!”

Hoagie: [ walks in, amazed at the sight before him ] You arepathetic, man..

[ cut to close-up of phone ringing ] [ show Bob feeding the fish in the tank, as Kristen enters ]

Kristen: Hi, Bob.

Bob Dole: Hello, there.

Kristen: Oh.. Bob, some election guy called for you.

Bob Dole: Who was it?

Kristen: I forgot..

Bob Dole: What do you mean “you forgot”?! What did he say!

Kristen: I don’t know.. something about exit polls, and the state being wrong, or something like that..

[ cut to Terry summarizing the scene ]

Terry: We’re not being paid to be his secretary, and I’m not his secretary, and I wouldn’t be his secretary..

[ return to scene ]

Bob Dole: What state?! Good God, woman, did you get aname!

Kristen: No. I’m sure if it’s important, he’ll call back.

[ cut to Kristen summarizing the scene ]

Kristen: I think it’s safe to say that Bob and I have no communication, where communication is concerned.

[ show Terry and Chris talking in the bedroom in the middle of the night ]

Chris: And then what happened?

Terry: I go up in the bedroom, and there’s my boyfriend Joey having, like, hot sex with this other guy..

Chris: Oh, man, that’s rough. What did you say?

Terry: I called him “Chicken Hawk”, every name in the book.. I called him “Mochachino Boy Slut”, and I dumped, like, this KY jelly all over them. But we winded up having this amazing three-way, it was, like, my first..

Chris: Oh, my God.. congratulations.

Terry: Thank you, thank you.

Chris: Are you gonna see him again?

[ camera pans slowly up to see Bob Dole lying at the top of a bunk bed,eyes open wide, petrified at the contnet of the conversation that was woken him out of bed. ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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