Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 16
Bobby Coldsman…..Phil Hartman
Female Student…..Cheri Oteri
Male Student…..Tim Meadows
[ open on Bobby Coldsman’s acting class ]
Bobby Coldsman: Okay, guys. On your mark, get set.. [ the students stretch their arms out ] Live that way.. live that way. Okay, let’s start the class! [ the students pull in their arms ] This is the halway point in the 12-week course. Who am I?
Tim: Bobby Coldsman!
Bobby Coldsman: What was I in? Troy.
Troy: Uh.. “Fantastiks”!
Bobby Coldsman: Kelley. What else?
Kelley: “Fiddler on the Roof”!
Bobby Coldsman: Brian, what showed the world my range as an actor?
Brian: The Pringles commercial!
Bobby Coldsman: Good! Hey, hey, hey! “If you’re not five minutes early..”
Cheri: “..you’re five minutes late!”
Bobby Coldsman: Nice. Last week you were told to set aside at least five hours a day observing human behavior. If you didn’t do it, it’s your loss. If you did, congratulations! Troy, talk to me!
Troy: Uh.. yes, Bobby! I spent five-and-a-half hours watching a homeless lady..
Bobby Coldsman: Shut up! Get up! What are you working on?
Troy: [ jumps to the front of the class ] Uh.. I’m working on my weakness, which you said last week was voice and diction. So I thought I would sing “A Whole New World” from Disney’s “Aladdin”.
Bobby Coldsman: Good. Alen Menkin, a good friend of mine. You’ve got music?
Bobby Coldsman: Good! Go!
Troy: [ singing ]
I can open your eyes.
Take you wonder by wonder..”
Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Who are you?
Troy: I’m Aladdin.
Bobby Coldsman: I don’t know. Are you?
Troy: Yes, I am.
Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. You’re Troy!
Troy: I’m Troy?
Bobby Coldsman: Look at this. [ sways his hands backwards and front ] This is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing, this is something.. this is nothing. Kelley! Who is he?
Kelley: Aladdin! Troy! Aladdin!
Bobby Coldsman: Shut up, you’re not listening! Brian, who is he?
Bobby Coldsman: Good.
Brian: Aladdin? Troy!
Bobby Coldsman: Good! [ to Troy ] Sit! Brian, get up here. [ Brian stands up ] Quick story. Important story. A good lesson. A good friend of mine, David Hassellhoff – “Knight Rider”, “Baywatch”, “Batwatch Nights”, the list goes on.. five years ago, David calls me, five a.m., he’s been crying. He’s got a tough scene in which his car, Kitt, refuses to jump a bridge. David doesn’t know how to play the scene. I take the red out of Burbank. I say to him.. [ motions his hands again ] ..this is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing.” Five minutes later, he nails the scene! [ class sighs ] Jane, what’s your weakness!
Jane: Uh.. rejection!
Bobby Coldsman: Get out of here! Go home! [ solemn, Jane exits the class ] Brian! Weakness?
Brian: Uh.. emotion.
Bobby Coldsman: What are you working on?
Brian: Uh.. “Dead Man Walking”, where Susan Sarandon is watching Sean Penn being executed.
Bobby Coldsman: Don’t tell me about it! Do it! [ Brian holds his hand up ] You’re dying.. you’re dying.. you’re dying.. Focus, Brian! This isn’t “Scent of a Woman” – you’re not blind. Focus. Focus. Do you love your mother?
Bobby Coldsman: No you don’t.
Brian: No..no, I don’t.
Bobby Coldsman: Yes you do!
Brian: I do..
Bobby Coldsman: Keep the hand up! Keep the.. sit down. [ Brian sits, still holding his hand up ] Brian’s young, he’s good.. but I’m gonna have to work with him in private. Hey, listen up! I’m gonna say one thing, and I’m only gonna say one thing – pilot season! That’s all I’m gonna say. Kelley, what’s your weakness?
Kelley: Um.. working with props.
Bobby Coldsman: What are yourking on?
Kelley: Um.. telephone with a beverage.
Bobby Coldsman: Good. Quick note: I don’t like women. They shouldn’t be in the business. Alright, go.
Kelley: [ stands up and does her act with a phone and a beverage ] Hello? No, I just walked through the door, why? [ sips ]
Bobby Coldsman: Stop! What are you drinking?
Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. It’s buttermilk. Go!
Kelley: [ improvises ] Hello? No, I just walked in the door, why? [ sips and gags as though it’s buttermilk ] She is?
Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Kelley, you scare me. Why are you so scary?
Kelley: Because I..
Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary?
Kelley: Because I..
Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary? [ Kelley pauses ] no answer. Good. Sit down. Troy! Who are you?
Troy: I’m Aladdin!
Bobby Coldsman: Good! Brian! Sean Penn’s stil dying! Keep that hand up, up, up! God work! Okay, everybody.. 20-minute mirror exercise. [ points to class members ] You’re a mouse. You’re a rock. You’re a tree. I’m gonna get a quick latte with Gordon Jump. I hope when I come back, I see future stars. See you in ten.
[ Bobby exits the classroom, as the students maintain their exercises to fade ]