SNL Transcripts: Phil Hartman: 03/23/96: Acting Class


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Acting Class

Bobby Coldsman…..Phil Hartman
Brian…..Chris Kattan
Female Student…..Cheri Oteri
Kelley…..Molly Shannon
Jane…..Nancy Walls
Male Student…..Tim Meadows
Troy…..Will Ferrell

[ open on Bobby Coldsman’s acting class ]

Bobby Coldsman: Okay, guys. On your mark, get set.. [ the students stretch their arms out ] Live that way.. live that way. Okay, let’s start the class! [ the students pull in their arms ] This is the halway point in the 12-week course. Who am I?

Tim: Bobby Coldsman!

Bobby Coldsman: What was I in? Troy.

Troy: Uh.. “Fantastiks”!

Bobby Coldsman: Kelley. What else?

Kelley: “Fiddler on the Roof”!

Bobby Coldsman: Brian, what showed the world my range as an actor?

Brian: The Pringles commercial!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Hey, hey, hey! “If you’re not five minutes early..”

Cheri: “’re five minutes late!”

Bobby Coldsman: Nice. Last week you were told to set aside at least five hours a day observing human behavior. If you didn’t do it, it’s your loss. If you did, congratulations! Troy, talk to me!

Troy: Uh.. yes, Bobby! I spent five-and-a-half hours watching a homeless lady..

Bobby Coldsman: Shut up! Get up! What are you working on?

Troy: [ jumps to the front of the class ] Uh.. I’m working on my weakness, which you said last week was voice and diction. So I thought I would sing “A Whole New World” from Disney’s “Aladdin”.

Bobby Coldsman: Good. Alen Menkin, a good friend of mine. You’ve got music?

Troy: No.

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Go!

Troy: [ singing ]

I can open your eyes.

Take you wonder by wonder..”

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Who are you?

Troy: I’m Aladdin.

Bobby Coldsman: I don’t know. Are you?

Troy: Yes, I am.

Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. You’re Troy!

Troy: I’m Troy?

Bobby Coldsman: Look at this. [ sways his hands backwards and front ] This is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing, this is something.. this is nothing. Kelley! Who is he?

Kelley: Aladdin! Troy! Aladdin!

Bobby Coldsman: Shut up, you’re not listening! Brian, who is he?

Brian: Troy!

Bobby Coldsman: Good.

Brian: Aladdin? Troy!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! [ to Troy ] Sit! Brian, get up here. [ Brian stands up ] Quick story. Important story. A good lesson. A good friend of mine, David Hassellhoff – “Knight Rider”, “Baywatch”, “Batwatch Nights”, the list goes on.. five years ago, David calls me, five a.m., he’s been crying. He’s got a tough scene in which his car, Kitt, refuses to jump a bridge. David doesn’t know how to play the scene. I take the red out of Burbank. I say to him.. [ motions his hands again ] ..this is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing.” Five minutes later, he nails the scene! [ class sighs ] Jane, what’s your weakness!

Jane: Uh.. rejection!

Bobby Coldsman: Get out of here! Go home! [ solemn, Jane exits the class ] Brian! Weakness?

Brian: Uh.. emotion.

Bobby Coldsman: What are you working on?

Brian: Uh.. “Dead Man Walking”, where Susan Sarandon is watching Sean Penn being executed.

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t tell me about it! Do it! [ Brian holds his hand up ] You’re dying.. you’re dying.. you’re dying.. Focus, Brian! This isn’t “Scent of a Woman” – you’re not blind. Focus. Focus. Do you love your mother?

Brian: Yes.

Bobby Coldsman: No you don’t.

Brian:, I don’t.

Bobby Coldsman: Yes you do!

Brian: I do..

Bobby Coldsman: Keep the hand up! Keep the.. sit down. [ Brian sits, still holding his hand up ] Brian’s young, he’s good.. but I’m gonna have to work with him in private. Hey, listen up! I’m gonna say one thing, and I’m only gonna say one thing – pilot season! That’s all I’m gonna say. Kelley, what’s your weakness?

Kelley: Um.. working with props.

Bobby Coldsman: What are yourking on?

Kelley: Um.. telephone with a beverage.

Bobby Coldsman: Good. Quick note: I don’t like women. They shouldn’t be in the business. Alright, go.

Kelley: [ stands up and does her act with a phone and a beverage ] Hello? No, I just walked through the door, why? [ sips ]

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! What are you drinking?

Kelley: Water.

Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. It’s buttermilk. Go!

Kelley: [ improvises ] Hello? No, I just walked in the door, why? [ sips and gags as though it’s buttermilk ] She is?

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Kelley, you scare me. Why are you so scary?

Kelley: Because I..

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary?

Kelley: Because I..

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary? [ Kelley pauses ] no answer. Good. Sit down. Troy! Who are you?

Troy: I’m Aladdin!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Brian! Sean Penn’s stil dying! Keep that hand up, up, up! God work! Okay, everybody.. 20-minute mirror exercise. [ points to class members ] You’re a mouse. You’re a rock. You’re a tree. I’m gonna get a quick latte with Gordon Jump. I hope when I come back, I see future stars. See you in ten.

[ Bobby exits the classroom, as the students maintain their exercises to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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