SNL Transcripts: Phil Hartman: 03/23/96: Acting Class

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Acting Class

Bobby Coldsman…..Phil Hartman
Brian…..Chris Kattan
Female Student…..Cheri Oteri
Kelley…..Molly Shannon
Jane…..Nancy Walls
Male Student…..Tim Meadows
Troy…..Will Ferrell

[ open on Bobby Coldsman’s acting class ]

Bobby Coldsman: Okay, guys. On your mark, get set.. [ the students stretch their arms out ] Live that way.. live that way. Okay, let’s start the class! [ the students pull in their arms ] This is the halway point in the 12-week course. Who am I?

Tim: Bobby Coldsman!

Bobby Coldsman: What was I in? Troy.

Troy: Uh.. “Fantastiks”!

Bobby Coldsman: Kelley. What else?

Kelley: “Fiddler on the Roof”!

Bobby Coldsman: Brian, what showed the world my range as an actor?

Brian: The Pringles commercial!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Hey, hey, hey! “If you’re not five minutes early..”

Cheri: “’re five minutes late!”

Bobby Coldsman: Nice. Last week you were told to set aside at least five hours a day observing human behavior. If you didn’t do it, it’s your loss. If you did, congratulations! Troy, talk to me!

Troy: Uh.. yes, Bobby! I spent five-and-a-half hours watching a homeless lady..

Bobby Coldsman: Shut up! Get up! What are you working on?

Troy: [ jumps to the front of the class ] Uh.. I’m working on my weakness, which you said last week was voice and diction. So I thought I would sing “A Whole New World” from Disney’s “Aladdin”.

Bobby Coldsman: Good. Alen Menkin, a good friend of mine. You’ve got music?

Troy: No.

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Go!

Troy: [ singing ]

I can open your eyes.

Take you wonder by wonder..”

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Who are you?

Troy: I’m Aladdin.

Bobby Coldsman: I don’t know. Are you?

Troy: Yes, I am.

Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. You’re Troy!

Troy: I’m Troy?

Bobby Coldsman: Look at this. [ sways his hands backwards and front ] This is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing, this is something.. this is nothing. Kelley! Who is he?

Kelley: Aladdin! Troy! Aladdin!

Bobby Coldsman: Shut up, you’re not listening! Brian, who is he?

Brian: Troy!

Bobby Coldsman: Good.

Brian: Aladdin? Troy!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! [ to Troy ] Sit! Brian, get up here. [ Brian stands up ] Quick story. Important story. A good lesson. A good friend of mine, David Hassellhoff – “Knight Rider”, “Baywatch”, “Batwatch Nights”, the list goes on.. five years ago, David calls me, five a.m., he’s been crying. He’s got a tough scene in which his car, Kitt, refuses to jump a bridge. David doesn’t know how to play the scene. I take the red out of Burbank. I say to him.. [ motions his hands again ] ..this is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing.” Five minutes later, he nails the scene! [ class sighs ] Jane, what’s your weakness!

Jane: Uh.. rejection!

Bobby Coldsman: Get out of here! Go home! [ solemn, Jane exits the class ] Brian! Weakness?

Brian: Uh.. emotion.

Bobby Coldsman: What are you working on?

Brian: Uh.. “Dead Man Walking”, where Susan Sarandon is watching Sean Penn being executed.

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t tell me about it! Do it! [ Brian holds his hand up ] You’re dying.. you’re dying.. you’re dying.. Focus, Brian! This isn’t “Scent of a Woman” – you’re not blind. Focus. Focus. Do you love your mother?

Brian: Yes.

Bobby Coldsman: No you don’t.

Brian:, I don’t.

Bobby Coldsman: Yes you do!

Brian: I do..

Bobby Coldsman: Keep the hand up! Keep the.. sit down. [ Brian sits, still holding his hand up ] Brian’s young, he’s good.. but I’m gonna have to work with him in private. Hey, listen up! I’m gonna say one thing, and I’m only gonna say one thing – pilot season! That’s all I’m gonna say. Kelley, what’s your weakness?

Kelley: Um.. working with props.

Bobby Coldsman: What are yourking on?

Kelley: Um.. telephone with a beverage.

Bobby Coldsman: Good. Quick note: I don’t like women. They shouldn’t be in the business. Alright, go.

Kelley: [ stands up and does her act with a phone and a beverage ] Hello? No, I just walked through the door, why? [ sips ]

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! What are you drinking?

Kelley: Water.

Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. It’s buttermilk. Go!

Kelley: [ improvises ] Hello? No, I just walked in the door, why? [ sips and gags as though it’s buttermilk ] She is?

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Kelley, you scare me. Why are you so scary?

Kelley: Because I..

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary?

Kelley: Because I..

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary? [ Kelley pauses ] no answer. Good. Sit down. Troy! Who are you?

Troy: I’m Aladdin!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Brian! Sean Penn’s stil dying! Keep that hand up, up, up! God work! Okay, everybody.. 20-minute mirror exercise. [ points to class members ] You’re a mouse. You’re a rock. You’re a tree. I’m gonna get a quick latte with Gordon Jump. I hope when I come back, I see future stars. See you in ten.

[ Bobby exits the classroom, as the students maintain their exercises to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Notify of