SNL Transcripts: Phil Hartman: 03/23/96: Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Judge…..Nancy Walls
Cirroc…..Phil Hartman
Jury Foreman…..Will Ferrell
Prostitute…..Molly Shannon

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “One hundred thousand years ago, a caveman was out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse. In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out. He then went to law school and became.. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

Jingle: “He used to be a caveman,
but now he’s a lawyer.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!”

Announcer: Brought to you by.. Lawn Destroyer – when you don’t even care anymore; and by Cubic Yard of Earthworms – what you do with it is your business; and by Wilson Ear Drill – we don’t recommend that you use an ear drill, but if you insist, why not get the best! And now, tonight’s episode of “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

[ open on interior, courtroom, the Judge banging her gavel ]

Judge: Mr. Cirroc, are you ready to give your summation?

Cirroc: [ stepping out] It’s just “Cirroc”, your Honor..and, yes, I’m ready. [ approaches the jury box ] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m just a caveman. I fell on some ice and was later thawed by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes when I fly to Europe on the Concorde, I wonder, am I inside some sort of giant bird? Am I gonna be digested? I don’t know, because I’m a caveman, and that’s the way I think! When I’m courtside at a Knicks game, I wonder if the ball is some sort of food they’re fighting over. When I see my image on the security camera at the country club, I wonder, are they stealing my soul? I get so upset, I hop out of my Range Rover, and run across the fairway to to the clubhouse, where I get Carlos to make me one of those martinis he’s so famous for, to soothe my primitive caveman brain. But whatever world you’re from, I do know one thing – in the 20 years from March 22nd, 1972, when he first ordered that extra nicotine be put into his product, until February 25th, 1992, when he issued an inter-office memorandum stopping the addition of that nicotine, my client was legally insane. And, for that reason, I ask that you fine him.. not guilty. Thank you.

Judge: The jury will now retire to deliberate.

Jury Foreman: [ standing ] Your Honor.. I don’t think we need to retire. Cirroc’s words are just as true now as they were in his time. We find the defendent.. not guilty.

[ the jury applauds Cirroc ]

Judge: Did you hear that, Mr. Cirroc? [ no answer ] Mr. Cirroc?

Cirroc: [ watching a basketball game on a tiny TV ] I’m sorry, your Honor. I was watching the tiny men trapped inside this strange modern device! [ smiles maliciously to the camera ]

Announcer: “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” has been brought to you by.. Chili-B-Gone – soothes eyes inflamed by chili spray; and by Spider Whistle – spiders come crawling when you start blowing, also works on certain ants. Next time, on “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”..

[ cut to Cirroc in bed with a prostitute, smoking a cigarette ]

Cirroc: I’m just a caveman, your world frightens and confuses me. And I don’t understand why I should pay you $200 for what we just did.

Prostitute: You always say that.

[ Cirroc leans back and laughs, as the scene freezes ]

Announcer: Next time, on “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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