SNL Transcripts: Phil Hartman: 03/23/96: Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Judge…..Nancy Walls
Cirroc…..Phil Hartman
Jury Foreman…..Will Ferrell
Prostitute…..Molly Shannon

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “One hundred thousand years ago, a caveman was out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse. In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out. He then went to law school and became.. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

Jingle: “He used to be a caveman,
but now he’s a lawyer.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!”

Announcer: Brought to you by.. Lawn Destroyer – when you don’t even care anymore; and by Cubic Yard of Earthworms – what you do with it is your business; and by Wilson Ear Drill – we don’t recommend that you use an ear drill, but if you insist, why not get the best! And now, tonight’s episode of “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

[ open on interior, courtroom, the Judge banging her gavel ]

Judge: Mr. Cirroc, are you ready to give your summation?

Cirroc: [ stepping out] It’s just “Cirroc”, your Honor..and, yes, I’m ready. [ approaches the jury box ] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m just a caveman. I fell on some ice and was later thawed by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes when I fly to Europe on the Concorde, I wonder, am I inside some sort of giant bird? Am I gonna be digested? I don’t know, because I’m a caveman, and that’s the way I think! When I’m courtside at a Knicks game, I wonder if the ball is some sort of food they’re fighting over. When I see my image on the security camera at the country club, I wonder, are they stealing my soul? I get so upset, I hop out of my Range Rover, and run across the fairway to to the clubhouse, where I get Carlos to make me one of those martinis he’s so famous for, to soothe my primitive caveman brain. But whatever world you’re from, I do know one thing – in the 20 years from March 22nd, 1972, when he first ordered that extra nicotine be put into his product, until February 25th, 1992, when he issued an inter-office memorandum stopping the addition of that nicotine, my client was legally insane. And, for that reason, I ask that you fine him.. not guilty. Thank you.

Judge: The jury will now retire to deliberate.

Jury Foreman: [ standing ] Your Honor.. I don’t think we need to retire. Cirroc’s words are just as true now as they were in his time. We find the defendent.. not guilty.

[ the jury applauds Cirroc ]

Judge: Did you hear that, Mr. Cirroc? [ no answer ] Mr. Cirroc?

Cirroc: [ watching a basketball game on a tiny TV ] I’m sorry, your Honor. I was watching the tiny men trapped inside this strange modern device! [ smiles maliciously to the camera ]

Announcer: “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” has been brought to you by.. Chili-B-Gone – soothes eyes inflamed by chili spray; and by Spider Whistle – spiders come crawling when you start blowing, also works on certain ants. Next time, on “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”..

[ cut to Cirroc in bed with a prostitute, smoking a cigarette ]

Cirroc: I’m just a caveman, your world frightens and confuses me. And I don’t understand why I should pay you $200 for what we just did.

Prostitute: You always say that.

[ Cirroc leans back and laughs, as the scene freezes ]

Announcer: Next time, on “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

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