SNL Transcripts: Phil Hartman: 03/23/96: Phil Hartman’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Phil Hartman’s Monologue

…..Phil Hartman
…..Tim Meadows
…..Lorne Michaels

Phil Hartman: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, it’s great to be back on “Saturday Night Live.” I spent 8 years as a cast member on this show; I did 153 episodes; played 518 characters; wore 627 wigs – 50 of which were some personal business I do in the privacy of my own home.. The point is – I’ve seen a lot of monologues, and, believe you me, the monologue can destroy a man. It’s the most difficult part of the show. Matthew Broderick did one, and had to spend two months in a halfway house; Steven Seagal did one, and.. you’ve seen what he’s like now. But as for me, I relish a challenge! Because after all the hundreds of voices I’ve done, I finally get to use my own voice. Now I have the chance toplay the one person I’ve never played before – myself! So, here we go.

[ speaks, but a deep voice slips out ] You know, I was born in a small town.. [ coughs ] Excuse me.. [ tries again, but a squeaky voice pops out ] I was born in a small town.. [ suddenly breaks apart ] I can’t do this! I don’t know who I am..! [ runs off stage ] [ cut to the hall outside the studio, past Tim Meadows ]

Tim Meadows: Phil!

Phil Hartman: Don’t look at me! [ runs to his dressing room ]

Tim Meadows: Phil! [ runs after him ] Phil! [ stands outside Phil’s dressing room ]

Phil Hartman: Leave me alone!

Tim Meadows: Come on, Phil, I know you’re in there.

Phil Hartman: [ talking to his mirror inisde his dressing room ] Phil can’t finish the monologue.. because I don’t know who Phil is.. Who are you?!

Tim Meadows: You’re Phil Hartman! You’re one of the best sketchperformers this show has ever had! You’re one of my idols!

Phil Hartman: Of course I am. I’m so much better than you are. But this is different, don’t you see?! Hiding behind wigs, fake noses and false bosoms.. that’s easy! What’s hard is playing the one character I’ve never had to play – myself! Who am I!

Tim Meadows: I’ll tell you who you are – Phil Hartman!

Phil Hartman: [ mocking ] Phil Hartman! I’m 47 years old.. I’m41 years old! But I don’t know who Phil Hartman is!

Tim Meadows: Look, I’ll tell you who Phil Hartman is. He’s the guy who let me stay in his apartment when I first came to this show. The guy who fed me, gave me hope! That’s who Phil Hartman is!

Phil Hartman: That wasn’t me! That was Kevin Nealon!

Tim Meadows: Oh, right.. Kevin Nealon, yeah..

Phil Hartman: If you don’t even know who I am.. how am I supposed to know?

Tim Meadows: Look, Phil.. would McDonald’s – America’s #1 fast food chain – pay you $1 million to bw its spoeksman if there was no Phil Hartman?

Phil Hartman: [ interested ] Go on.

Tim Meadows: Listen – would the Cheeto’s Corporation stake theirreputation on Phil Hartman if they didn’t know who Phil Hartman is?

Phil Hartman: Of course not. It’s Cheetos.. the cheesiest cheese snack there is!

Tim Meadows: Right! And would Cary’s Big & Tall Shop of Muncie,Indiana choose you to be their Dress slacks spokesman if there was no Phil Hartman?

Phil Hartman: That’s a regional spot. How did you see that?

Tim Meadows: I told you – you’re my idol! Now, look, Phil, most of all, would I be here if I didn’t know who Phil Hartman is?

Phil Hartman: You’re right.. Who is this?

Tim Meadows: It’s Tim Meadows!

Phil Hartman: Tim?! You’re still on the show?! Look.. I’m sorry I was never nice to you when you were on the show. I already had a pre-existing relationship with Chris Rock, and..

Tim Meadows: Look, Phil.. You got a show to do. Now get out there!

Phil Hartman: [ weeping ] I can’t do it, timmy, I can’t..

Tim Meadows: You can, and you will! And if you won’t do it for yourself, do it for the rest of us who’ll never get the chance to host the show. Do it for the Anthony Michael Halls.. the Nora Dunns.. Hell, do it for Joe Piscopo!

Phil Hartman: [ steps out of his dressing room and hugs Tim ] You’re right. I am somebody! I’ve got a monologue to do! [ cooly saunters down the hall, where he encounters Phil Hartman, Nancy Walls, Chris Kattan, Mark McKinney, and members of the writing staff, who they begin to clap for Phil as he approaches Lorne Michaels ] Lorne, I know woh I am now. I’m ready to host your show!

Lorne Michaels: Go get ’em, Bill.

Phil Hartman: Phil.

Lorne Michaels: Right.
Phil Hartman: [ returns to home base triumphantly ] The Gin Blossoms are here! And I am proud to be your host! My name is Phil Hartman!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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