SNL Transcripts: Phil Hartman: 03/23/96: Uncle John

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Uncle John

Sound Technician #1…..Chris Kattan
Sound Technician #2…..Jim Breuer
Uncle John…..Phil Hartman
Fantasia…..Tim Meadows

FADE IN:

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

Two SOUND TECHNICIANS are seated by a sound mixing board.

Technician #1: Okay.

Technician #2: What the hell? Where is Uncle John?

Technician #1: He’s late as usual.

UNCLE JOHN, An elderly man in glasses, cardigan & khakis, saunters into the recording booth, holding a mini ice chest.

Uncle John: All right boys – let’s do it.

Technician #1: Great… Uncle John.

Technician #2: We were worried about you. You were supposed to be here at ten.

Uncle John: Now, now, young fellas… now let’s not judge Uncle John. I’ve been doing these commercials for some 20 odd years.

Both technicians work the controls on separate boards.

Technician #1: Okay. Let’s lay down a track. Uncle John’s Buttermilk Flapjacks. Anytime you’re ready.

Uncle John rises to the microphone.

Uncle John: Howdy! I’m Uncle John and folks around these parts don’t really catch on to loud cars or pushy people-

A CAN OPENING IS HEARD OFF-SCREEN.

Technician #1: Hold on – we’re picking up the sound of a can being opened. Uncle John, are you drinking in there?

Uncle John’s chugging hard on a canned beer.

Uncle John: Oh, come on boys. What are you, the sobriety police? Come on; give old Uncle John a break.

Technician #2: Okay. Let’s try this again. Ready Uncle John?

Uncle John nods.

Uncle John: Howdy! I’m Uncle John and folks around these parts don’t really catch on –

Uncle John’s tapping hard on the podium in front of him and METAL CUTTING are heard in his booth. He lowers his head onto his podium and holds one nostril shut.

Technician #2: What a second! Cut! Cut! Uncle John, what’s going on in there?

Uncle John rises from his podium, face covered in cocaine.

Uncle John: What?

Technician #2: Uncle John! What the hell!?

Uncle John: Just a little booze. No harm, no foul.

Technician #1: Oh my God! Uncle John!

Technician #2: All right. Let’s just take this from the top. Let’s just do this.

Uncle John lights a cigarette.

Uncle John: Howdy. This is Uncle John.

Technician #2: Cut. Can you give us a little sincerity?

Uncle John: Oh, for the love of Pete!!

Technician #1: Please. Just give us something, Uncle John.

Uncle John: Now wait a second, fellas. I’ve been doing these commercials for over 20 years. I’ve been in love with Uncle John’s Buttermilk Pancakes. I get letters from children nine and younger –

Uncle John begins to sob and lowers his head down to snort another line of cocaine.

Technician #2 bangs on the mixing board.

Technician #2: Uncle John!

Technician #1: Will you just lay down the track so we can move along?

FANTASIA, a transvestite prostitute in little clothing, strolls in.

Uncle John: Oh. Hello. Fellas, this is my friend – Fantasia. Sit in there and watch how it’s done.

Fantasia makes way to the mixing room before turning to Uncle John.

Fantasia: You need a singer? Because I can sing.

Uncle John: I’m sure you can. Now get in there.

Fantasia enters the mixing room. The technicians engage in crosstalk.

Technician #1: Okay. Let’s just lay one down all right?

Uncle John (O/S): Howdy! This is Uncle John…

Fantasia starts brushing his hand in Technician #2’s hair.

Technician #2: Hey! Hey! Cut! Stop that.

Technician #2 points at Fantasia.

Fantasia: Don’t you point that finger at me, honey! I’ll cut that off.

Uncle John: Fantasia, get in here and sit with Papa.

Fantasia goes back into the recording booth not before brushing her hand again in Technician #2’s hair first. When she arrives at Uncle John, his face is covered in blood from massive nose bleeding.

Fantasia: This is what I’m talking about, Poppie. I’m going to be a star like Uncle John.

Uncle John: Okay, fellas. Let’s just do this so I can get the heck out of here.

Technician #2: Okay. Uncle John, do you know your nose is bleeding.

Fantasia: Oh Poppie – are you all right?

Fantasia lays her hand on Uncle John, who quickly removes it.

Uncle John: I’m fine!! Leave me alone.

Fantasia: Who you talking to, old man!!??

Uncle John: Shut up, you street trash!!!

Uncle John grabs Fantasia and tosses her out of the booth.

Fantasia: I’m going to tell the police about your habits, you dirty old pervert!!

Uncle John: Who’s going to believe you? You bitch!!

Uncle John returns to the podium and starts sobbing real hard.

Uncle John: You fellas ever been in love?

Both technicians have there hands over there foreheads, facing down.

Technician #2: Uncle John, if this is a bad time, we can do this –

Technician #1: Maybe we can do this later, Uncle John?

Uncle John: No!! I’m a professional…

Uncle John continues to sob.

Uncle John: Okay. Here we go. Howdy! This is your Uncle John and folks around these parts…

A ZIPPER COMING UNDONE’S HEARD OFF-SCREEN. LIQUID DISPENSING FOLLOWS.

Technician #1: What?

Technician #2: No!

Technician #1: John!

Both: No! No!

Uncle John’s urinating on the carpet below him and sobbing with no control.

Uncle John: I’m sorry… I’m sorry…

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts