SNL Transcripts: Phil Hartman: 03/23/96: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Frankenstein…..Phil Hartman
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thanks, folks! I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: In Los Angeles this week, Lyle and Eric Mendendez were found guilty of first-degree murder. So, to review California law: killing your wife – legal; killing your parents – illegal.

In other political news, Texas billionaire Ross Perot announced this week that if his party wants him to run for President, he will. Accoridng to insiders, it is the first step of Perot’s plan to waste the last few years of Bob Dole’s life.

Yesterday, on “Rivera Live”, Kato Kaelin made the startling admission that he now thinks O.J. Simpson is guilty. Although, authorities suspect this may just be part of an attempt by Kato to crash at Fred Goldman’s place for a while.

Norm MacDonald: Well, last year, wildfires throughout the western United States destroyed an estimated 50,000 acres and over 300 homes. Now, many fear that with the new Republican-controlled Congress cutting the budgets of key Federal agencies such as the Forest Service and Army Corps of Engineers, fires this summer can be even more devestating. Here with a comment – Frankenstein.

Frankenstein: Fire bad!

Norm MacDonald: Frankenstein, everybody! Frankenstein.

Well, filming has finally begun on the long-awaited life story of Evita Peron, starring pop singer Madonna. According to the producers, the film is 100% accurate – except for the part where Mrs. Peron has group sex with the Houston Rockets.

A Minnesota woman has patented a batting helmet, that she designed for her daughter, that features a cutout in the back for a ponytail to poke through. The helmet will be marketed to young girls and damn, dirty hippies.

This winter, the state of Maine has a record 250 snowmobile accidents, most of them caused by drinking and speeding. Although, if you’re not drinking and speeding, what the hell’s the point of riding a damn snowmobile?

Norm MacDonald: Over the years, the Academy Awards have been criticized for regularly ignoring the achievements of actors, writers and directors of color. At Monday night’s Oscar ceremony, a protest will be held to draw attention to this issue. Here now, the organizer of the protest, the Reverand Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson: Thank you, Norman. Monday night, the 58th Annual Academy Awards will be held in Hollywood. No matter who wins, you know as well as I know who’s going to lose! African-American nominees. It seems recently, in Hollywood, all-white films is rapidly becoming the tradition of the day. Time after time, year after year.. Tinseltown black talent is ignored and feared. From screenwriters and set designers.. from costume makers to movie ticket-takers.. from dance boys and gaffers to post-production staffers.. from the top-down and not to the bottom up! Jibbety-jibbety and rat-a-tat-tat! I said to the committee, “Why? Why Tommy Lee Jones and not James Earl Jones? Why John Huston and not Whitney Houston? Why Sir John Gielgud and not Sir Mix-a-Lot? Why Liam Neeson and not.. the little boy who played Urkel?” And Norman, I don’t mean to sound mean.. but there was not one black in “Apollo 13”. So, Academy members, let’s show some humility! Pick “Waiting to Exhale”, and not “Sense and Sensibility”! Keep hope alive!

Norm MacDonald: Jesse Jackson. And that’s the way it is, folks. Good night, and good luck.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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