Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 17
Stan Hooper….Norm MacDonald
(Opens with Stan and Mary sitting at a news desk. Pleasant music theme plays. Seattle Today logo.)
Mary: Good morning and welcome to Seattle Today. My guest today is the composite sketch artist who drew the famous picture of the Unabomber. He works for the FBI and we´re happy to have him. Welcome Stan.
Stan Hooper: Oh, thanks Mary. Its great to be here.
Mary: Ok, Stan, why don´t you explain how you create a composite sketch.
Stan Hooper: Well, simply put, I interview the eyewitnesses, sometimes as many as a hundred people, and I question about different facial features of the suspect. From that information I come up with a composite, then I turn that over to the FBI.
Mary: Well, this must be an exciting week for you because due to your hard work the FBI has captured the man they believe to be the Unabomber.
Stan Hooper: Yeah, its a good feeling.
Mary: Ok. Lets take a look at the composite sketch you drew of the Unabomber.
(Stan brings out the famous sketch of the Unbabomber wearing a hooded sweatshirt, big dark sunglasses and a mustache)
Stan Hooper: (proud) Yeah, there it is.
Mary: Although I´m sure everyone´s familiar with it by now. And here is the picture of Ted Kaczynski, the man the FBI arrested last week. (Mary pulls out an actual mugshot picture of Ted with scraggly hair, a bushy beard and dark penetrating eyes. The sketch and the mugshot don´t look alike at all) Stan, do you think they got the right man?
Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah. That´s him. No doubt about it.
Mary: Well, the evidence certainly points that way. (Mary puts the mugshot picture away) And I noticed in the accounts that I read, that they didn´t find any hooded sweatshirts or sunglasses in Kaczynski’s cabin.
Stan Hooper: Well, that doesn´t surprise me at all. Did you know not one eyewitness I interviewed mentioned either a hood or a pair of sunglasses?
Mary: Really? Well, what did they describe?
Stan Hooper: They described a guy with scraggly hair, a big bushy beard and dark piercing eyes.
Mary: I see, well, that doesn´t seemed to show in your composite sketch here. Why you have him wearing a hood?
Stan Hooper: Um, I´m not good with hair. Hair and uh, eyes.
Mary: I see.
Stan Hooper: Yeah, you see, a good composite sketch artist knows his limitations and he uses various techniques to compensate for those limitations.
Mary: Really? What kind of techniques?
Stan Hooper: Well, for instance, as I said, the eyewitnesses all described a man with dark penetrating eyes. Now I could no more draw dark penetrating eyes than I could the Mona Lisa or a big bushy beard. So, if you look here what I did was I drew giant mirrored sunglasses on. That way, who´s to say how his eyes look like under there.
Mary: Right. And that explains the hood.
Stan Hooper: Yes. This is another technique I use. To help me avoid the whole….hair thing. (puts sketch away)
Mary: Well, I see. Now, the Unabomber has been your most famous subject but you´ve had a long career. Let´s look at some of your other work.
Stan Hooper: Great.
(Stan pulls out a sketch of a man with a ten gallon hat and big dark sunglasses)
Stan Hooper: Yes, here we go. The first one is a…this is of a man they called “The Ten Gallon Hat Killer”.
Mary: Because he wore a ten gallon hat during his killings?
Stan Hooper: No, no. He never wore a ten gallon hat. No, the nickname came from the sketch. Interesting story about this guy though, according to eyewitnesses I spoke to, he actually had square eyes. I never heard of such a thing. Another interesting thing, never been caught. (puts sketch away)
Mary: Ok. Why don´t you tell us about this next one.
Stan Hooper: All right. Now, the next one, he´s been at large for about 20 years. This guy even shoots people at random. I´ll tell you something, very hard to catch a killer who seems to have no motive. That´s why these sketches are so very important. There we go. (brings out a very similar sketch, a guy with a big chef´s hat and big, dark sunglasses) Yeah, the press took the name from this guy, “The Chef Hat Killer”.
Mary: Because you drew him with a chef´s hat?
Stan Hooper: Yeah, that´s right. Before that they called him “The Scar”.
Mary: Why is that?
Stan Hooper: He has a huge scar on his face.
Stan Hooper: Well, its right around here. (Stan points under the hat into the forehead) You can´t see it because this oversized chef hat.
Mary: You´re not good with scars, are you?
Stan Hooper: No, no. Scars and hair and eyes are not good for me. Beauty marks I have a problem with too. Moles. Cheeks are tricky. Eyebrows…
Mary: Well, that´s all the time we have. We´ll see you next time.
Stan Hooper: ….freckles I´ve never been able to get a handle on….pimples….(Stan continues reciting his limitations)
(Seattle Today logo)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel