Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 17
Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald
Pat Buchanan…..David Koechner
Ted Koppel Voiceover: First, there was the bestseller “Primary Colors”.. and now, another book about presidential politics has been written. This time it is a “fictional” account of the 1996 Republican Primary. The book is titled “Election Colors”, and has once again been written by an anonymous author. Tonight, we take a look at this new bestselling book.[ blend to “Nightline” opening ]
Announcer: This is “Nightline”. Reporting live from Washington, Ted Koppel.
Ted Koppel: With us tonight to talk about this new bestseller are three of the major candidates who were involved in the 1996 Republican Primary. Senator Bob Dole, Pat Buchanan, and magazine publisher Steve Forbes. Mr. Forbes, let’s start with you.
Steve Forbes: [ giddy ] Hi, Ted!
Ted Koppel: Mr. Forbes, I assume you’ve read this so-called “fictional” account of the Repubican Primary?
Steve Forbes: Yes, I have, Ted.
Ted Koppel: Then, I assume you’re familiar with this passage: [ text appears on screen ] “Millionaire Teve Torbes was a maverick candidate who had Washington insiders running scared. He also had an undeniable animal magnetism that drove the ladies crazy. It was clear Teve Torbes had it goin’ on.” Since this portrays you in such a positive light, Mr. Forbes, many people have suggested that you are the author of the book.
Steve Forbes: [ smiling ] Well, Ted, I’m flattered by your suggestion. But I didn’t write the book.
Ted Koppel: Mr. Forbes, clearly the character named “Teve Torbes” represents you.
Steve Forbes: Well, that’s one way to interpret it. I mean, the description of the character ind of fits my profile as a verile, charismatic leader of men. But, then again, my name isn’t “Teve Torbes” – it’s Steve Forbes.. which is different! Maybe it represents somebody named “Leve Norbes”.
Ted Koppel: Oh, come on! Come on! The character obviously is you! Just like “At Buchanan” is supposed Pat Buchanan, “Dob Bole” is Bob Dole, and Lamar Alexander is represented by “Lamar Alexander 2”.
Steve Forbes: Well, it seems like the author has done a very good job of disguising those names! Ted, there is one passage I find particularly interesting, if I may?
Ted Koppel: Well.. certainly.
Steve Forbes: It’s on page 42. The anonymous author writes on page 42: [ text appears on screen ] “The ladies loved Teve Torbes’ brilliant tax plan. That and the fact that he had a musky Victor Mature-like scent. no. Teve Torbes was definitely not a geek with a crooked smile. He was a babe magnet. Did I mention hos much the ladies love me, I mean him?”
Ted Koppel: Mr. Forbes, did you write this book?
Steve Forbes: No.
Ted Koppel: Senator Dole, any comments?
Bob Dole: Steve Forbes. Steve Forbes wrote the book. I recognize his awkaward prose anywhere.
Ted Koppel: Senator, I take you’ve read the book?
Bob Dole: Ah, Bob Dole’s read the book. Let me tell you osmething – the instruction manual to Bob Dole’s VCR is more exciting, ha ha ha!
Ted Koppel: Senator, you certainly weren’t treated very well by the author. On page 142, he writes: “I don’t think Grenator Dole is handling the pressure very well.” [ confused ] “Grenator”? I don’t know why the author felt he had to disguise the word “Senator”.. Anyway, he goes on to say: “Today, Dob Bole leaned over to me, and said, ‘If family values means stealing the taxpayers’ money and sniffing model glue, I’m way into family values!'”
Bob Dole: That’s a lie! Bob Dole would never say anything like that! Steve Forbes, you wrote this book, and you know it![ Forbes shakes his head no ]
Ted Koppel: The Senator has a point, Mr. Forbes. I mean, for God’s sake, on the Dedication page, it says: “To my lovely wife, Telen Torbes, and my beautiful daughters Tatherine, Tabina, Taberta, Taura and Telizabeth.
Steve Forbes: I wonder who those people are?
Ted Koppel: Well, at this point, I’d like to bring GOP candidate Pat Buchanan into the discussion.
Pat Buchanan: Hello, Ted. I just hope we can get to the bottom of these malicious lies.
Ted Koppel: Mr. Buchanan, the author is obviously referring to you when he says on page 245: “And then, I saw At Buchanan kick his Nicaraguan gardener and say, ‘Teve Torbes, I enjoy your musky Victor Mature-like scent.'”
Pat Buchanan: Ted, that was just a lie. Mostly.
Steve Forbes: Read on, Ted!
Ted Koppel: Alright. On page 167, the author continues: “I was on Ched Choppel’s show ‘Pightline’, when, during a commercial break, Ched confessed to me that he often engages in autoerotic asphyxiation.” Now, that was unnecessary. And then it goes on to say: “It was on Ched’s show that At Buchanan and Teve Torbes first agreed that Dob Bole should drop out. At said, ‘Teve, what about Dob?’ Then Dob motioned for At to come towards Steve..” [ text appears on screen ] ..”Teve Torbes, At, Dob Bole, Uchanan, Ucotos, Ucomos, Ucant, Teve, At, Bole, Dat, Boba Fet, Toni Kukoc, Bee-Bo-Bo, Lamar Alexander 2.” Gentlemen, reactions?
Steve Forbes: That’s wonderful writing!
Bob Dole: Ah, I’ve just got one thing to say to you, Tteve Torbes – tuck off!
Ted Koppel: And that’s all we have time for. Thank you, gentlemen, for joining me. From all of us at ABC News, this has been Ched Toppel in Washington, and good night.[ dissolve to “Pightline” graphic ] [ fade out ]