SNL Transcripts: Steve Forbes: 04/13/96: Unabomber Class Reunion


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 17

95q: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine

Unabomber Class Reunion

FBI Agent #1…..Jim Breuer
Ted Kaczynski…..Will Ferrell
James…..David Koechner
Rita…..Nancy Walls
George…..Norm MacDonald
Edward…..Mark McKinney
Emily…..Molly Shannon
Walter…..Chris Kattan

[ open on interior, Harvard University Class Reunion – Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, shackled, enters with two FBI agents in tow ]

FBI Agent #1: You have ten minutes, Ted!

Ted Kaczynski: Fellas, thanks again for letting me come to this – a class reunion doesn’t happen very often! And, I tell ya, it feels like I never left!

James: [ aproaching ] Oh, my God! Don’t tell me.. don’t tell me.. uh.. uh..

Ted Kaczynski: [ covers his nametag ] No peeking!

James: [ laughs ] Ted Kaczynski! Where did they find you?!

[ they hug ]

Ted Kaczynski: Jimmy Mallory, you old pool shark! how the hell are you?

James: Not bad.. So, what have you been up to?

Ted Kaczynski: I’ve been doing a lot of writing..

James: Yeah, really? You, uh, get anything published?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. One thing.

James: So, uh.. where have you been living now?

Ted Kaczynski: I’ve got this great little place up in the woods. It’s real secluded, gives me a lot of time to tinker around with my hobbies..

James: Oh, ho ho! I remember your hobbies! [ mimes smoking marijuana ]

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, cut it out! [ laughs ] You son of a gun! Hey, did I introduce Stu and Mike here for you? [ acknowledges the FBI Agents ]

James: No, you didn’t. How you doing, fellas? [ shakes FBI Agents’ hands ]

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, excuse me, boys. I think I’m gonna mingle. The ladies await! [ steps behind Rita and covers her eyes ] Guess who!

Rita: Um.. um.. um.. [ feels his chains ] Ted Kaczynski! [ turns around ] You heartbreaker!

Ted Kaczynski: Guilty as charged! [ laughs and hugs her ]

Rita: Oh, my God! You look great!

Ted Kaczynski: Thank you. I feel good!

Rita: You know, I still have that 400-page love letter you sent me.

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, that’s sweet.

Rita: Hey, do they still call you “Casanova” Kaczynski?

Ted Kaczynski: No.. actually, I’ve got a different nickname these days..

Rita: Oh, hey, hey, how’s your brother doing?

Ted Kaczynski: Well.. to tell you the truth, we’re not really getting along these days.. [ points across the room ] Hey, look! Is that that ol’ practical joker, George Graham?

Rita: Yeah. Didn’t he stick your face in the toilet and flush it? And then he replaced your toothpaste with Preperation H?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah, that’s him. Here he comes!

George: [ hobbles up on crutches, missing one arm, and a bandage on his head ] Hey-ey, Ted Kaczynski! Hey listen, buddy, sorry about all that stuff I did back in our old college days! I hope you don’t hold a grudge!

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, no, no.. I got all that off of my chest. Let’s let bygones be bygones.

George: Alright, then! [ hobbles off ]

Edward: Oh, my God! It’s Ted Kaczynski! Isn’t it?

[ other classmates surround Ted ]

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, the whole gang’s here! Hey, Eddie, what are youup to these days?

Edward: Well, Ted, I’m an industrialist..

James: No way! I’m an industrialist, too!

Emily: Me, too! I chop down trees and build computers. [ turns to Walter ] What about you?

Walter: I work for a company that dumps ink into the ocean.

Ted Kaczynski: Well.. that’s just great. You know, guys, we’ve just gotta keep in touch. Hey, make sure you give me all your addresses before you leave, okay? [ everyone hands their business card to Ted, as the FBI Agents pull him back ] Hey, look, I gotta go, guys..

George: Ted, wait! I brought you that package you sent me! I’ve been waiting to open it!

Ted Kaczynski: Oh.. you know what, George..? That package is really a present for all you guys.. [ everyone awws ] Now, don’t open it until I’m gone, because I’ll get embarrassed..

James: Tell you what, Ted? At least read the card.

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, okay! [ grabs the card ] I’m having the best time! [ reads card ] “To all my chums from the Class of ’62.. Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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