Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 17
95q: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine
Unabomber Class Reunion
FBI Agent #1…..Jim Breuer
Ted Kaczynski…..Will Ferrell
James…..David Koechner
Rita…..Nancy Walls
George…..Norm MacDonald
Edward…..Mark McKinney
Emily…..Molly Shannon
Walter…..Chris Kattan
[ open on interior, Harvard University Class Reunion – Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, shackled, enters with two FBI agents in tow ]
FBI Agent #1: You have ten minutes, Ted!
Ted Kaczynski: Fellas, thanks again for letting me come to this – a class reunion doesn’t happen very often! And, I tell ya, it feels like I never left!
James: [ aproaching ] Oh, my God! Don’t tell me.. don’t tell me.. uh.. uh..
Ted Kaczynski: [ covers his nametag ] No peeking!
James: [ laughs ] Ted Kaczynski! Where did they find you?!
[ they hug ]
Ted Kaczynski: Jimmy Mallory, you old pool shark! how the hell are you?
James: Not bad.. So, what have you been up to?
Ted Kaczynski: I’ve been doing a lot of writing..
James: Yeah, really? You, uh, get anything published?
Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. One thing.
James: So, uh.. where have you been living now?
Ted Kaczynski: I’ve got this great little place up in the woods. It’s real secluded, gives me a lot of time to tinker around with my hobbies..
James: Oh, ho ho! I remember your hobbies! [ mimes smoking marijuana ]
Ted Kaczynski: Hey, cut it out! [ laughs ] You son of a gun! Hey, did I introduce Stu and Mike here for you? [ acknowledges the FBI Agents ]
James: No, you didn’t. How you doing, fellas? [ shakes FBI Agents’ hands ]
Ted Kaczynski: Hey, excuse me, boys. I think I’m gonna mingle. The ladies await! [ steps behind Rita and covers her eyes ] Guess who!
Rita: Um.. um.. um.. [ feels his chains ] Ted Kaczynski! [ turns around ] You heartbreaker!
Ted Kaczynski: Guilty as charged! [ laughs and hugs her ]
Rita: Oh, my God! You look great!
Ted Kaczynski: Thank you. I feel good!
Rita: You know, I still have that 400-page love letter you sent me.
Ted Kaczynski: Oh, that’s sweet.
Rita: Hey, do they still call you “Casanova” Kaczynski?
Ted Kaczynski: No.. actually, I’ve got a different nickname these days..
Rita: Oh, hey, hey, how’s your brother doing?
Ted Kaczynski: Well.. to tell you the truth, we’re not really getting along these days.. [ points across the room ] Hey, look! Is that that ol’ practical joker, George Graham?
Rita: Yeah. Didn’t he stick your face in the toilet and flush it? And then he replaced your toothpaste with Preperation H?
Ted Kaczynski: Yeah, that’s him. Here he comes!
George: [ hobbles up on crutches, missing one arm, and a bandage on his head ] Hey-ey, Ted Kaczynski! Hey listen, buddy, sorry about all that stuff I did back in our old college days! I hope you don’t hold a grudge!
Ted Kaczynski: Oh, no, no.. I got all that off of my chest. Let’s let bygones be bygones.
George: Alright, then! [ hobbles off ]
Edward: Oh, my God! It’s Ted Kaczynski! Isn’t it?
[ other classmates surround Ted ]
Ted Kaczynski: Hey, the whole gang’s here! Hey, Eddie, what are youup to these days?
Edward: Well, Ted, I’m an industrialist..
James: No way! I’m an industrialist, too!
Emily: Me, too! I chop down trees and build computers. [ turns to Walter ] What about you?
Walter: I work for a company that dumps ink into the ocean.
Ted Kaczynski: Well.. that’s just great. You know, guys, we’ve just gotta keep in touch. Hey, make sure you give me all your addresses before you leave, okay? [ everyone hands their business card to Ted, as the FBI Agents pull him back ] Hey, look, I gotta go, guys..
George: Ted, wait! I brought you that package you sent me! I’ve been waiting to open it!
Ted Kaczynski: Oh.. you know what, George..? That package is really a present for all you guys.. [ everyone awws ] Now, don’t open it until I’m gone, because I’ll get embarrassed..
James: Tell you what, Ted? At least read the card.
Ted Kaczynski: Oh, okay! [ grabs the card ] I’m having the best time! [ reads card ] “To all my chums from the Class of ’62.. Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
