SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Teri Hatcher’s Monologue – flowers delivered



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18



95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Teri Hatcher’s Monologue

…..Teri Hatcher
…..Will Ferrell
…..Nancy Walls
…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Teri Hatcher!

Teri Hatcher: Thank you very much! It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! A lot of you know me from my TV show “Lois & Clark”, where I play Lois. The main difference in this version of Superman is that I, Lois Lane, know that Clark Kent is Superman. [ as if dumbfounded ] I mean, how could you not know? Clark Kent wears glasses, and Superman doesn’t, right? I mean, granted it did take me two seasons to figure that out..

Anyway, I had a lot of fun this week. In fact, Will Ferrell had flowers delivered before the show, and he gave me the sweetest note. I just want to read it to you. [ opens the note and reads ] Uh.. “Dear Teri-kins..” [ laughs ] That’s what he calls me! Um.. well.. you know what? Will should read this. [ looks offstage ] Will!

[ Will Ferrell appears onstage ]

Will Ferrell: Yeah. No problem. [ takes the note, and puts on a pair of glasses for improved vision ]

Teri Hatcher: You guys are just gonna LOVE this! [ she looks toward Will, but notices a strange man in glasses instead ] Oh, my God..!

Will Ferrell: [ reading ] “Dear Teri-kins..”

Teri Hatcher: [ panicked ] Who are you?!

Will Ferrell: [ confused ] Uhhh.. what’s the matter, Teri? I’m just reading the note.

Teri Hatcher: Who are you?! Where did Will go?! Security!!

Will Ferrell: No, Teri! Whoa-oa-oa, look! [ removes his glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Ohh!

Will Ferrell: Yeah.

Teri Hatcher: Oh, my God.. oh, Will.. some creep was just up here, I was so scared!

Will Ferrell: Uh.. Teri, that was me..

Teri Hatcher: Oh, no no.. this guy was really freakish-looking..

Will Ferrell: No, no, no.. Teri, just watch. Look, look.. [ alternates between wearing the glasses and not wearing the glasses ] Will. Will. Will. Will. Will.. Will. Do you understand? I’m always Will. [ can see Teri is inable to grasp the concept, looks offstage for help ] Uh.. Nancy, could you come up here and help us with something?

[ Nancy Walls steps onstage, wearing a pair of glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: Who are you?

Nancy Walls: I’m Nancy Walls.

Teri Hatcher: Wait.. you’re not Nancy Walls.

Nancy Walls: Yeah, it’s me.. [ removes her glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Nancy!! Ohhh, my Gooood.. oh, you wouldn’t believe it – there was just some crazy woman uo here pretending to be you!

Nancy Walls: No, no, no.. it’s just these glasses. Here. [ puts the glasses on Teri ] Now, look in the monitor. [ points Teri the monitor they all appear on ]

Teri Hatcher: [ annoyed at the sight she sees on the monitor ] Who is that woman? I thought I was hosting the show tonight..?

Will Ferrell: No no, no no.. you are hosting the show tonight. [ removes the glasses from Teri’s face ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Ohhh, good! Ohhh, I’ve been working so hard on it all week!

[ Tim Meadows walks onstage, wearing a pair of glasses ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, guys, what’s going on?

Teri Hatcher: [ worried ] Who’s this guy?

Tim Meadows: Oh. I’m sorry. [ removes his glasses and smiles at Teri ]

Teri Hatcher: I still don’t know who this guy is.

Tim Meadows: I-I’m Tim Meadows.. I’ve been in the cast for, like, eight years.

Teri Hatcher: What are your hit characters?

Tim Meadows: [ sullen ] I don’t.. have any, really..

Teri Hatcher: Ohh.. [ putting him on ] Oh, well, I’m sure you’ll get some! [ to the audience ] We have a great show for you! Dave Matthews Band is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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