Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 18
95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band
Teri Hatcher’s Monologue
…..Teri Hatcher
…..Will Ferrell
…..Nancy Walls
…..Tim Meadows
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Teri Hatcher!
Teri Hatcher: Thank you very much! It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! A lot of you know me from my TV show “Lois & Clark”, where I play Lois. The main difference in this version of Superman is that I, Lois Lane, know that Clark Kent is Superman. [ as if dumbfounded ] I mean, how could you not know? Clark Kent wears glasses, and Superman doesn’t, right? I mean, granted it did take me two seasons to figure that out..
Anyway, I had a lot of fun this week. In fact, Will Ferrell had flowers delivered before the show, and he gave me the sweetest note. I just want to read it to you. [ opens the note and reads ] Uh.. “Dear Teri-kins..” [ laughs ] That’s what he calls me! Um.. well.. you know what? Will should read this. [ looks offstage ] Will!
[ Will Ferrell appears onstage ]
Will Ferrell: Yeah. No problem. [ takes the note, and puts on a pair of glasses for improved vision ]
Teri Hatcher: You guys are just gonna LOVE this! [ she looks toward Will, but notices a strange man in glasses instead ] Oh, my God..!
Will Ferrell: [ reading ] “Dear Teri-kins..”
Teri Hatcher: [ panicked ] Who are you?!
Will Ferrell: [ confused ] Uhhh.. what’s the matter, Teri? I’m just reading the note.
Teri Hatcher: Who are you?! Where did Will go?! Security!!
Will Ferrell: No, Teri! Whoa-oa-oa, look! [ removes his glasses ]
Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Ohh!
Will Ferrell: Yeah.
Teri Hatcher: Oh, my God.. oh, Will.. some creep was just up here, I was so scared!
Will Ferrell: Uh.. Teri, that was me..
Teri Hatcher: Oh, no no.. this guy was really freakish-looking..
Will Ferrell: No, no, no.. Teri, just watch. Look, look.. [ alternates between wearing the glasses and not wearing the glasses ] Will. Will. Will. Will. Will.. Will. Do you understand? I’m always Will. [ can see Teri is inable to grasp the concept, looks offstage for help ] Uh.. Nancy, could you come up here and help us with something?
[ Nancy Walls steps onstage, wearing a pair of glasses ]
Teri Hatcher: Who are you?
Nancy Walls: I’m Nancy Walls.
Teri Hatcher: Wait.. you’re not Nancy Walls.
Nancy Walls: Yeah, it’s me.. [ removes her glasses ]
Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Nancy!! Ohhh, my Gooood.. oh, you wouldn’t believe it – there was just some crazy woman uo here pretending to be you!
Nancy Walls: No, no, no.. it’s just these glasses. Here. [ puts the glasses on Teri ] Now, look in the monitor. [ points Teri the monitor they all appear on ]
Teri Hatcher: [ annoyed at the sight she sees on the monitor ] Who is that woman? I thought I was hosting the show tonight..?
Will Ferrell: No no, no no.. you are hosting the show tonight. [ removes the glasses from Teri’s face ]
Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Ohhh, good! Ohhh, I’ve been working so hard on it all week!
[ Tim Meadows walks onstage, wearing a pair of glasses ]
Tim Meadows: Hey, guys, what’s going on?
Teri Hatcher: [ worried ] Who’s this guy?
Tim Meadows: Oh. I’m sorry. [ removes his glasses and smiles at Teri ]
Teri Hatcher: I still don’t know who this guy is.
Tim Meadows: I-I’m Tim Meadows.. I’ve been in the cast for, like, eight years.
Teri Hatcher: What are your hit characters?
Tim Meadows: [ sullen ] I don’t.. have any, really..
Teri Hatcher: Ohh.. [ putting him on ] Oh, well, I’m sure you’ll get some! [ to the audience ] We have a great show for you! Dave Matthews Band is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
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