Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 18
95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band
Mood Music
Man…..Chris Kattan
Date…..Teri Hatcher
[ open on Man and his Date sitting on the couch in front of a bay window, sipping wine; generic music plays on the sound system ]
Date: I love this wine.
Man: Isn’t it great?
Date: Yeahhh.
Man: It’s from.. So-no-ma!
Date: Well, I really like it!
Man: [ seductively ] How about.. a little nighttime music?
Date: Why don’t you put on something.. romantic..
[ their lips move incredibly close together ]
Man: I know just the song. [ struts over to his sound system along the opposite wall, taking a seductive look back at his date ] You’re gonna love this.
[ Man puts on a Latin rhythm, as he motions back to his date. He sort of tiptoes toward the coach, gyrating his body against the couch as he leans in close for a kiss.. then suddenly jerks upward ]
Man: Wait..! [ runs back to the sound system, turns the music off ]
Date: [ really into the music and seduction ] Wha-what is it?
Man: Nothing. I’ve just got something much better!
Date: Well, I-I kinda liked that..
Man: You liked that, you’re gonna love this – it’s per-FECT! [ looks at his date with a sexual longing ]
[ Man puts on a new song, with an electronic drumbeat and records scratching. He moves closer to his date, reaching out and peeking from behind the arm of the couch like a cat, pawing at her playfully ]
Man: Wait..! [ runs back to the sound system and turns the music off again ]
Date: What was wrong with that song..?
Man: I’ve just got something much better!
Date: Ohh.. [ slighty sarcastic ] Well, gee.. I can’t wait..
Man: [ overexcited ] I can’t, either! I can’t WAIT!! [ looks back at her again with that sexual longing ]
[ Man turns on a soothing female vocal performance, then makes his way toward the couch twisting one leg around the other, then breaks into a series of pre-Mango dance moves. His Date seems slightly interested, until he begins to push the couch to the side with his thrusting pelvis; now she’s perturbed, and he senses it and runs to turn off the sound system again. ]
Man: [ upset ] Well, you obviously didn’t like that song!
Date: Well, i-it wasn’t the song.. Why don’t we just try it without the music? You know.. come on over here! Come on! [ he’s relunctant to come back ] Come on!
Man: [ shaking his head ] I-i can’t! I look like an idiot! [ motions the vast emptiness of the room, especially now that he’s pushed the couch practically out of frame ] Look all the space here! I need something to carry me over! You know, some kind of a.. rhythm.. you know? Some kind of, uh.. [ snaps his fingers ] I know just the song! [ looks at her with that sexual longing ]
[ Man puts on an African beat, moving towards the couch with a dance than looks more fruity than sensual ]
Date: [ sighs ] Sit down!
Man: But I was just-
Date: [ pushes him onto the couch ] Just sit down.. Shaka Zulu! Let me show you how it’s done.
[ his Date puts on a lite jazz tune, moving toward the couch with a slow, sexy rhythm, stretching her body out and rubbing up and down her legs. She reaches the couch, rubs her hands on Man’s legs, then falls backward over the arm to kiss the Man in an upward position. ]
Man: [ suddenly busts out laughing ]
Date: [ upset ] What are you laughing at?!
Man: What.. nothing.. What are you doing with your body there! Hey, come on! It’s kind of cra-zy! What’s this? [ mimics her dance moves ]
Date: That’s it! I’m going home!
Man: Oh, no, no! I-I-I’m sorry! Wa-wait a second.. I’m sorry, okay? [ a beat ] You sure you don’t want to dance home!
Date: Oh!
Man: Come on! Let’s do that again, whatever that was! What was that?!
[ fade ]
