Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 18
95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band
Spade In America
David Spade…..Teri Hatcher
Teri Hatcher…..David Spade
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, “Spade In America” with David Spade.
David Spade: Good evening! I’m David Spade – or, at least, I eill be for the next five minutes. Just go with me, here on this premise, we’re trying to keep this segment alive. sorry my piece was so late in the show, but, of course, “Update” ran long. Okay, Norm, Marion Barry smokes crack – we get it! This week, I thought I’d interview the lovely and talented, Miss Teri Snatcher. I mean, Hatcher Whoo-oops.. typo! You do know Teri Hatcher, don’t you? [ raised finger ] She’s #1. Teri? Get out here!
Teri Hatcher: [ pulls up a chair ] Oh, hi! David, it’s so nice to see you here! It’s gonna be really fun. you look great! Is this jacket cotton? [ tries to feel David up ]
David Spade: [ pulls him off ] Easy, Teri!
Teri Hatcher: What?! I’m into fabrics! I’m a girl, what’s the problem? And, this must be “felt”.. [ reaches for David’s crotch ]
David Spade: Teri! Please!
Teri Hatcher: What?! It’s the fabric! i’m intrigued by fashion! I took a class in college.
David Spade: Anyhoo.. Now, Teri, you’re on that hip show, “Lois & Clark”. How’d you wind up with that part?
Teri Hatcher: Is it really a hit show? Uh.. David, I’m glad you asked that. My agent told me that there was a great part for a semi-goodlooking girl who can yell “Help!” a different way each week.
David Spade: Well.. I’ve seen the show, and it’s obviously a high-quality show done by skilled professionals, so I’m sure that it requires a lot more talent than that.
Teri Hatcher: [ shakes head ] Not really.. no.. But the show’s starting to bore me – you know, because I’m really good – and, so, I want to do movies now.
David Spade: Oh, yeah? Well, you know, I did a movie called “Black Sheep.” Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called “Tommy Boy”!
Teri Hatcher: Uh.. yes. I did see that. You were great, David. I mean, you are very sexy on the screen. Sometimes, I rent it late at night, and then I think naughty thoughts about it!
David Spade: There is no way that you, Teri Hatcher, would find me, David Spade, remotely attractive. Remotely. Plus, I’m into guys.
Teri Hatcher: He-ey-ey! Hey! No, everybody knows that’s not true! No, no, Spade, you’re a total catch. A lot of my hot chick friends think so, too! You’re a babe.
David Spade: Well, thanks. You know, because it does take me a lot of effort to look good. I come in here two hours before each show, so the hair people can make me look like Lisa Kudrow!
Teri Hatcher: Lisa Kudrow? [ stunned ] I didn’t know people thought.. your hair looked like Lisa Kudrow..
David Spade: They do!
Teri Hatcher: Well.. you know, Tom Arnold was right. Maybe talking isn’t my best thing. [ laughs ] Which is really bad, you know, because he’s a talented guy. He’s got some good theories..
David Spade: You know, Teri, this piece isn’t really going the way I expected it to. But.. nothing I’ve done this year has been funny!
Teri Hatcher: [ removes wig ] Okay, that one’s not fair.
David Spade: Oh? Oh, really? And that remark about Tom Arnold is? [ points to fake cleavage ] And, what are those? Are those boobs? You look like a cartoon!
Teri Hatcher: Yeah, well, this is a compliment! This is how I picture you in my mind when I think about you.
David Spade: Well, that’s really interesting, because I put about a half-a-pack of Certs in my front pocket, because that’s how I think of you! Anyhow.. Teri.. we’d better wrap this up, because I’ve got to go sell out and do some more phone commercials.
Teri Hatcher: Oh, is that right? [ puts wig back on ] Well, David.. um.. I have to go do a photo shoot with my sharpei for InStyle Magazine, and then I have to go put another nude photo of myself on the Internet. So, I’d better run!
David Spade: Buh-bye! See you next week!