SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Spartan Cheerleaders

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 18

95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Gabrielle…..Teri Hatcher

(shows the school with a sign saying: East Lake Math Club Regional Competition, and then kids taking tests and then to the Spartans)

Both: V for Victory! I said V Â for Victory!

Craig: Spread that V!

Arianna: Dot that I !

Both: Rock that C-T-O-R-Y! Whoo Spartan Spirit!!

(erasers are thrown at them from off camera and they both stop cheering to pick them up, then sit back down)

Craig: Ok we’ll take a break

Arianna: its an accident. That’s all right! Oh My God Craig! I cant believe it! Our Differential Calculus squad is really kicking some tail!

Craig: I know! I’ll say! And wait till they get a load of our herkie jump!

Arianna: bad news flash Craig, I cant do the herkie jump today, I’ve got my friend.

Craig: What??

Arianna: um, I can’t go swimming!

Craig: ohh. Hey that’s not the only friend you got, and this one wont give you cramps!

(they both hug)

Arianna: Oh My God Ronald’s approaching the chalkboard!

Both: Focus Ronald! Focus Ronald!


Craig: pick it up! Pick it up! Ok he’s got it! He’s got it!

Arianna: Chalk can be slippery!

Craig: I know I know! He’s got it. He wrote .35

Both: Is it right?

Arianna: no ones saying anything…. No.

(they pause and look confused for a couple of seconds before they realize its right)

Both: Oh my God! Its right! .35! whoo! Whoo!

(they jump up to cheer)

Both: arf arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!

Arianna: I’m Arianna! The boys are urging but I am proud to stay a virgin!

Both: Arf Arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!

Craig: My name is Craig! I give good hugs! Your not my friend if you do drugs!

Both: arf! Small dog! Whoo! Whoo! Spartan spirit!

(Gabrielle walks in wearing the real Spartan Cheerleader uniform)

Gabrielle: Hi craig. Hi arianna.

Arianna: Oh my God! Gabrielle!

Craig: Gabrielle! Arent you missing the game?

Arianna: I didn’t no you liked math!

Gabrielle: Oh I Don’t. I’m here on behalf of the REAL Spartan cheerleaders. Tommy Peters has mono and we need your help,

Both: Oh My god! This is it! Now’s our chance! Oh my God!

Arianna: Gabrielle, we would be proud to join the real Spartan Squad!

Gabrielle: Not you Arianna, Just Craig.

(Arianna’s looks like she is about to cry and she keeps repeating “Oh my god” softly for the next couple lines between Gabrielle and Craig)

Craig: Gabrielle I don’t know if I’d feel right —

Gabrielle: Oh well I think you would feel just fine! And besides Arianna doesn’t like you like that

Craig: Arianna!

Arianna: The real Spartans need you Craig. Your dream is calling! Pick up the phone.

Craig: Thank you! (and he runs off camera)

Gabrielle: That was for telling everyone about my WonderBra

Arianna: Whatever!

Gabrielle: Whatever! Whatever!


(Gabrielle runs off camera too, leaving Arianna standing by herself)

Arianna: Oh my God! Ok right! Spirit Spirit! Come on Nathan! Your best utensil is a number 2 pencil! Come on Nathan! Come on Nathan!

(she starts to cry and sits back down. The screen changes to Gabrielle and Craig cheering at the basketball game, They are both cheering but only Gabrielle is moving around until Craig starts to, halfway through the cheer)

Gabrielle and Craig: Steady eddie eddie eddie ROCK! Who rocks the house? The Spartans rock the house! And when the Spartans rock the house, they rock it all the way down!

(Craig starts to repeat the cheer but Gabrielle stops him when she realizing he is doing the cheer moves too.)

Gabrielle: CRAIG! What are you doing? Your supposed to be standing still!

Craig: I just thought I’d throw in a trekking move! You know spice it up! You know when Arianna and I work on routines—

Gabrielle: wait a minute Craig! I make the decisions on this squad! If you don’t like it, you can go back to your buddy from planet Freak, Arianna!

(Gabrielle’s voice saying “Arianna” is echoed as the camera zooms in on Craig and a 25 second clip of a bunch of previous Spartan skits are shown, after the clips Craig runs off stage and Gabrielle comes running in on the other side and falls down)


( the screen goes back to Arianna alone cheering)

Arianna: Lucy, Charlie Brown, piano playing Schroeder! Your teams like Pigpen cause you got an odor! OPEN A WINDOW! Whoo whoo!

(she starts to cry and sits down again, and Craig runs in from the other side)

Craig: Hey! Who’s that Spartan looking so lonely?

Arianna: it’s me, It’s me. I said whose that Spartan gonna sing with me?

Craig: It’s me! Its me!

Both: Let’s turn this mother out!

(they turn on Bust a move and exit with the Perfect Cheer)

Submitted by: Jenna

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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