SNL Transcripts: Teri Hatcher: 04/20/96: Unabomber Defense Team


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 18

95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Unabomber Defense Team

Guard…..Jim Breuer
David Kaczynski…..David Koechner
Ted Kaczynski…..Will Ferrell
Johnny Cochran…..Tim Meadows
Leslie Abramson…..Cheri Oteri
Bald Guy From “Murder One”…..Darrell Hammond
F. Lee Bailey…..Steve Higgins

[ open on interior, jailhouse, Guard standing next to David Kaczynski ]

Guard: Okay, you’ve got 15 minutes, Mr. Kacyznski. Wait right here, and I’ll being in your brother.

David Kaczynski: Thanks a lot!

[ Guard exits hallway to retrieve Ted Kaczynski, then brings the wild man out of his jail cell ]

Ted Kaczynski: We-e-e-ell! If it isn’t my brother David! Good to see ya! Wish I could bring you up to my log cabin, but there’s about 150 FBI agents using it this weekend!

David Kaczynski: [ uneasy ] Yeah..

Ted Kaczynski: Go figure! [ laughs maniacally ]

David Kaczynski: I know.. I’m sorry about that, okay.. [ ] He-e-eyy!! I thought you got a haircut?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. I just use a little mousse with the judge, you know? [ laughs maniacally ]

David Kaczynski: Yeah, I gotcha.. hey, listen – Ted. I don’t have much time.. I feel just, just awful! Okay, you got that now? So, to make it up to you, I’ve gotten the best.. legal defense team money can buy. Now, you just wait right here, I’m gonna go get ’em, alright?

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, you know what? Don’t worry.. ’cause I’m not goin’ anywhere! Okay! [ laughs ]

David Kaczynski: Alright. Well, first off, I’ve got.. Johnny Cochran!

[ Johnny Cochran enters the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: Fantastic!

Johnny Cochran: I am outraged! It’s nice to meet you. [ sits at the table ]

David Kaczynski: Now.. F. Lee Bailey!

[ F. Lee Bailey enters the room, drinking from a martini glass ]

Ted Kaczynski: Fantastic! Fantastic!

David Kaczynski: I’ve also got the lawyer for the Menendez Brothers – Leslie Abramson!

[ Leslie Abramson enters the room, frizzy hair and all ]

Leslie Abramson: Boys!

Ted Kaczynski: Alright!

David Kaczynski: And, of course, the bald guy from “Murder One”!

[ the bald guy from “Murder One” enters the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: You know what? I’m sorry I don’t have a television.. I-I’ve never seen your show..

Bald Guy From “Murder One”: Well, Mr. Kaczynski, neither has anybody else.

[ Ted laughs heartily at the joke ]

David Kaczynski: Okay, Mr. Cochran.. you begin!

Johnny Cochran: [ stands ] Alright, Mr. Kaczynski, I am outraged! To think that the FBI has the nerve.. the audacity.. the unmitigated GALL to accuse a respected mathematician hermit like yourself! To such a heinous crime! I will demonstrate to the jury that if the hood and the sunglasses don’t fit.. then you must aquit! [ sits ]

Leslie Abramson: [ stands ] Don’t you worry, Mr. Kaczynski. With the defense I have planned, there is no way they can convict you! At least, not at the first trial. Okay. Now, tell me, exactly how long were you and your brother sexually abused by your parents?

Ted Kaczynski: [ confused ] Uh.. we weren’t..

Leslie Abramson: Then I’ve got nothing. Talk to the bald guy! [ sits ]

David Kaczynski: Okay! “Murder One” guy, go ahead!

Bald Guy From “Murder One”: Mr. Kaczynski, I don’t think any of us here can emphasize enough: that I’m the bald guy from “Murder One”. Thank you. [ sits ]

David Kaczynski: That’s a good point! Mr. Bailey?

F. Lee Bailey: [ looks up ] Scotch and soda, please!

David Kaczynski: Uh.. I’m sorry?

F. Lee Bailey: Isn’t this T.J. McDougal’s?

David Kaczynski: No. It’s not.

F. Lee Bailey: Well, I’ll tell ya, Marine to Marine: I’m stinkin’ drunk! [ burps ] I just pulled 15 million stock options to get out of the pokie.. I’m gonna go find me a Happy Hour! [ exits the room ]

Ted Kaczynski: Listen, David.. I appreciate all this, but.. I’ll tell you what, I’ve run up a pretty tight legal defense of my own.. and if you folks have a minute, I’d love to share it with ya!

David Kaczynski: Sure.. yeah.. go ahead, Ted.. yeah.

Ted Kaczynski: [ drops stack of papers onto the table ] There’s Part One.. the Opening Statement right here.. and, uh.. let’s see it.. [ unfolds the paper ] Well, it begins kind of like this.. uh.. [ reads ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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