Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 18
95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Greg Norman…..Mark McKinney
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.
Our top story tonight: a shocking new development in the O.J. Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high-ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame O.J. Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene, and found that O.J. really did do it.
On Thursday, Congress gave final approval to a sweeping new anti-terrorism bill. The new law permits foreign terrorists to be deported, limits federal appeals to death sentences, and allows for the immediate arrest of any Harvard graduate who lives in a dirty, wooden shack.
Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on “Larry King Live”. Among them, that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.
In other showbiz news, it is reported that superstar Madonna is pregnant. Although, personally, I dind this a bit hard to believe.. I mean, uh.. Madonna isn’t even married! It’s like.. cra-zy!
This week, a New Jersey woman – Rita Gluzman – was charged with hacking her husband to death with an axe, gutting the body into pieces, and having a cousin dump them in a river. According to police, Gluzman learned how to do this by watching the program “Martha Stewart Living”.
In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is “One ugly bastard.”
In sports, distance runner Uta Pippig set a record by winning her third consecutive Boston Marathon, despite suffering from both her period and diarrhea throughout the 26-mile run. In addition, Pippig also set a record for causing the most spectators to make this face.. [ Norm grimaces ] ..at a Boston Marathon.
And, in basketball news, Magic Johnson was suspended for three games and fined $10,000 for bumping official Scott Foster. Said a distraught Johnson after the game, “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me..”
Norm MacDonald: Last Sunday saw the conclusion of the most celebrated tournament in the world of golf. I’m referring, of course, to The Masters. Here to share with us his impressions, is the Great White Shark himself, Greg Norman. Greg!
Greg Norman: Hi! Hi there, Norm! Good evening, folks! Now.. as many of you might remember, last weekend I took a seemingly insurmountable 6-shot lead into the last day of play at the Masters. But.. on Sunday, I squandered that huge lead and lost the ‘tourney, along with hundreds of thousands of dollars in prize money to Nick Falder. Cheers! Folks, this isn’t the first time Greg “The Shark” Norman has squanderd a huge lead! In fact, I do it fairly regularly! and, consequently, it’s been pointed out to me that perhaps “The Shark” is not really an appropriate nickname. [ holds up a picture of a shark ] You see.. the shark is not only a merciless killer, it’s an eating machine whose swallowing reflexes tops in the animal kingdom. Whereas I, unlike the shark, am actually quite merciful to my opponents. And when I try to swallow, I bloody choke! [ laughs ]
So I’ve decided to create a new, more descriptive nickname for myself. At first, I thought I’d stick with the fish theme, and call myself.. “The Trout”. [ holds up a picture of a trout ] But.. I don’t think that adequately describes the depth of my impotence. Then.. I thought I might call myself.. “The Submissive Trout”. [ holds up another photo of a trout, this one with a cartoon balloon reading “Please don’t hurt me!” ] It’s pretty similar to the regular trout, but this little bugger is sayin’, “Please don’t hurt me!” [ laughs ] Ah, but you know, that didn’t seem catchy. Then I thought, maybe my nickname could be.. Greg “The Little Girl” Norman. [ holds up a picture of a little girl ] But women’s groups complained, and rightly so. So, I considered then.. “Pippi Longstockings”.. [ holds up a photo of Pippi Longstockings ] ..and “Mrs. Butterworth”. [ holds up a photo of Mrs. Butterworth ] But, to my surprise, they were taken. So then I thought, hey! Why not “The Crab”? [ holds up a photo of a crab ] You see? ‘Cause the crab is a little fearsome – like I am during the first part of the tournament. And if you’re in the ocean, and you see that you are about to step on a crab.. well, you’d think twice about it, if you didn’t want to get your toes pinched. Of course, ultimately, a crab doesn’t scare anyone! Just like me! [ laughs ]
So.. this is Greg “The Crab” Norman, saying “Watch your toes!” Back to you, Norm! [ bounces golf ball on the desk, but faces difficulty trying to snatch it back up ]
Norm MacDonald: Greg Norman, everybody! Thanks, Greg! Thank you, Greg Norman!
Well, for the second week in a row, Richard Gere’s new film “Primal Fear” was number one at the box office. Leaving many Hollywood insiders to wonder, “Hey, uh.. do you think that gerbil story is true?”
Magician David Copperfield has announced plans to open his own theme restaurant. The theme: I Don’t Deserve My Girlfriend.
In California, the State Justice Department has endorsed a plan to update the term for a prostitute’s customer, from the traditional “John”, to the new, more current-sounding term “Charlie Sheen”.
And, finally, this Thursday businesses around the country will be celebrating the Fourth Annual “Take Our Daughters To Work Day”. Or, as producer Aaron Spelling calls it: “Thursday”.
Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night, see you later!