SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96: The Courtney Love Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 19

95s: Christine Baranski / The Cure

The Courtney Love Show

Courtney Love…..Molly Shannon
Marge Schott…..Darrell Hammond
Julie Andrews…..Christine Baranski

Announcer: It’s “The Courtney Love Show”, here she is, Courtney Love!

[ Courtney steps out from behind the curtains, but gets herself tangled up in them. A stagehand enters to assist her. ]

Courtney Love: [ shoves him away ] Get the hell off of me! Get off of me! Get the hell off of me! [ stumbles to the main set ] Whoa.. alright, here we go.. Alright, welcome to “The Courtney Love Show”, I’m Courtney Love.. I need a cigarette.. [ yells offstage ] Get me a cigarette! [ is handed a cigarette by the stagehand ] Alright.. come here! [ grabs the stagehand and makes out with him, as he struggles to break free ] Alright.. time for the monologue.. Alright.. Bill Clinton. What is up with him? Alright.. enough of that! Okay.. alright.. [ clears the crap off of her desk and sits on top ] Okay, it’s time for the Top Ten List. These are the Top Ten Bruises On My Body. Number One.. [ leans back and lifts up leg ] ..Number Two, Number Three, Number Four.. [ points to one area of her arm ] ..Alright, there’s ten, trust me, okay! Alright. My next guest.. is a woman who the press has been after, because she’s a woman who speaks her mind – like me. Please welcome Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott!

Marge Schott: [ enters set and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Hello, dear! Love that dress. You look so sexy! You look like one of those Puerto Rican street hookers!

Courtney Love: Oh, thanks, Marge! It’s so sweet of you to say that.. so sweet. So what, what happened?

Marge Schott: Well. All I said was that Adolph Hitler had some good ideas.

Courtney Love: You know what? Okay, that.. first of all.. that is the problem with thiscountry, okay? Because it’s like, a woman speaks her mind, people get all freaked out! ..You know? Did you say Hitler? Marge, you’re a fat Nazi bitch! Okay? Why do I feel like I want to make out with you? [ pounces onto Marge, as she uickly breaks free and runs away ] Whatever. Alright. Okay. My next guest.. is a woman.. [ falls asleep, then wakes up ] ..Okay, I’m back.. My next guest is the woman who told the Tony Awards where they can shove their Tony Awards. Please welcome Julie Andrews.

Julie Andrews: [ steps out and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Courtney it’s so exciting to meet you! I’ve followed your little band, Hole, since its inception!

Courtney Love: Ohh.. Mary Poppins! What is up?!

Julie Andrews: Well.. the Tony Awards snubbed my Broadway show, so I am snubbing them back by not accepting their nomination.

Courtney Love: Ohh, Julie.. I totally know what you mean.. because, people come up to me, and they’re like, “Courtney, you have such a good voice, but your band sucks.” And I’m like, “You know what? Eat me! EAT ME!! EAT ME!! [ flashes her panties ] SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! What are you looking at?!

Julie Andrews: That is precisely how I feel! Courtney, I would be honored if you’d sing a song with me.

Courtney Love: Alright.. whatever..

Julie Andrews: I know.. [ stands ] Let’s do “Doe, A Deer”. [ sings ] “Doe, a deer, a female deer..”

Courtney Love: [ throws hands in the air ] “A female deer!

Julie Andrews: “Ray, a drop of golden sun..”

Courtney Love: “Sun!”

Julie Andrews: “Me, a name I call myself..”

Courtney Love: “Me!”

Julie Andrews: “Far, a long long way to run..”

Courtney Love: Wait, wait, wait, wait.. this sucks! This is totally making me, um.. a little bit dizzy..

Julie Andrews: Courtney, Courtney.. do you know “A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down.. in the most delightful waaaayy”?

Courtney Love: Yeah.. and Vodka helps it go down, also! Julie, I need to lay down, I feel tired.. I’m going to lay down, I’m so tired..

[ Courtney drops to the floor, as the stagehand tries to revive her. She slaps him off of her, as the show fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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