Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 19
The Courtney Love Show
Courtney Love…..Molly Shannon
Marge Schott…..Darrell Hammond
Julie Andrews…..Christine Baranski
Announcer: It’s “The Courtney Love Show”, here she is, Courtney Love!
[ Courtney steps out from behind the curtains, but gets herself tangled up in them. A stagehand enters to assist her. ]
Courtney Love: [ shoves him away ] Get the hell off of me! Get off of me! Get the hell off of me! [ stumbles to the main set ] Whoa.. alright, here we go.. Alright, welcome to “The Courtney Love Show”, I’m Courtney Love.. I need a cigarette.. [ yells offstage ] Get me a cigarette! [ is handed a cigarette by the stagehand ] Alright.. come here! [ grabs the stagehand and makes out with him, as he struggles to break free ] Alright.. time for the monologue.. Alright.. Bill Clinton. What is up with him? Alright.. enough of that! Okay.. alright.. [ clears the crap off of her desk and sits on top ] Okay, it’s time for the Top Ten List. These are the Top Ten Bruises On My Body. Number One.. [ leans back and lifts up leg ] ..Number Two, Number Three, Number Four.. [ points to one area of her arm ] ..Alright, there’s ten, trust me, okay! Alright. My next guest.. is a woman who the press has been after, because she’s a woman who speaks her mind – like me. Please welcome Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott!
Marge Schott: [ enters set and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Hello, dear! Love that dress. You look so sexy! You look like one of those Puerto Rican street hookers!
Courtney Love: Oh, thanks, Marge! It’s so sweet of you to say that.. so sweet. So what, what happened?
Marge Schott: Well. All I said was that Adolph Hitler had some good ideas.
Courtney Love: You know what? Okay, that.. first of all.. that is the problem with thiscountry, okay? Because it’s like, a woman speaks her mind, people get all freaked out! ..You know? Did you say Hitler? Marge, you’re a fat Nazi bitch! Okay? Why do I feel like I want to make out with you? [ pounces onto Marge, as she uickly breaks free and runs away ] Whatever. Alright. Okay. My next guest.. is a woman.. [ falls asleep, then wakes up ] ..Okay, I’m back.. My next guest is the woman who told the Tony Awards where they can shove their Tony Awards. Please welcome Julie Andrews.
Julie Andrews: [ steps out and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Courtney it’s so exciting to meet you! I’ve followed your little band, Hole, since its inception!
Courtney Love: Ohh.. Mary Poppins! What is up?!
Julie Andrews: Well.. the Tony Awards snubbed my Broadway show, so I am snubbing them back by not accepting their nomination.
Courtney Love: Ohh, Julie.. I totally know what you mean.. because, people come up to me, and they’re like, “Courtney, you have such a good voice, but your band sucks.” And I’m like, “You know what? Eat me! EAT ME!! EAT ME!! [ flashes her panties ] SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! What are you looking at?!
Julie Andrews: That is precisely how I feel! Courtney, I would be honored if you’d sing a song with me.
Courtney Love: Alright.. whatever..
Julie Andrews: I know.. [ stands ] Let’s do “Doe, A Deer”. [ sings ] “Doe, a deer, a female deer..”
Courtney Love: [ throws hands in the air ] “A female deer!
Julie Andrews: “Ray, a drop of golden sun..”
Courtney Love: “Sun!”
Julie Andrews: “Me, a name I call myself..”
Courtney Love: “Me!”
Julie Andrews: “Far, a long long way to run..”
Courtney Love: Wait, wait, wait, wait.. this sucks! This is totally making me, um.. a little bit dizzy..
Julie Andrews: Courtney, Courtney.. do you know “A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down.. in the most delightful waaaayy”?
Courtney Love: Yeah.. and Vodka helps it go down, also! Julie, I need to lay down, I feel tired.. I’m going to lay down, I’m so tired..
[ Courtney drops to the floor, as the stagehand tries to revive her. She slaps him off of her, as the show fades to black ]