Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 20
I’ll See You In Hell!
Joe Pilson…..Jim Carrey
Mr. Clemens…..Darrell Hammond
Jill 2…..Molly Shannon
Mr. Steiner…..Tim Meadows
Delivery Boy…..Chris Kattan
Mr. Henry…..Mark McKinney
[ open on exterior, opffice building ] [ dissolve to interior, office filled with employees seated at desks, except for Joe Pilson, who stands while talking to client Mr. clemens ]
Joe Pilson: I don’t believe this! You’ve stolen thousands of dollars from us! We’re clearly in the right, and you’re going to file a frivilous lawsuit against us?! This is ridiculous!
Mr. Clemens: Fine! I’ll see you in court!
Joe Pilson: Hey – why don’t we just skip that. And I’ll see you.. in HELL!!
Mr. Steiner: Hey, nice job, Joe!
Jill 2: Hey, yeah, you really gave it to him!
Mr. Steiner: Joe, I heard what you just said to Mr. Clemens. Let me say: Good job! [ they shake hands ]
Joe Pilson: Thank you, Mr. Steiner.
Mr. Steiner: Alright. [ exits ] [ Joe ambles over to Jill’s desk ]
Joe Pilson: Oh, hey, Jill. Where’s that.. Clemens report?
Jill: Ohh, right. You know, I will get it to you first thing tomorrow morning.
Joe Pilson: Yeah. You’d better. Or else, you know what? [ screams ] I’ll see you in Hell!!
Jill 2: Heyyyy. [ stomps out of the office ] [ Delivery Boy enters the office ]
Delivery Boy: Hey there, Mr. Pilson. Here’s that muffin and cappucino you ordered.
Joe Pilson: Decaf?
Delivery Boy: No.. I thought you wanted regular?
Joe Pilson: No. I said decaf.
Delivery Boy: Okay. I’ll just take it back and bring you a decaf.
Joe Pilson: Yeah, I think you will. Or else: I’ll.. see you.. in Hell!
Delivery Boy: Lighten up, huh? [ exits ]
Coworker: So, Joe, uh – I-I’ll meet you at the ball game around eight, okay?
Joe Pilson: Yeah, I think you will!
Coworker: I’m-I’m sorry?
Joe Pilson: You’ll be there by eight! You’ll be there, alright. Or, guess what? I’ll see you in Hell!
Coworker: Okay, you know, that worked for you once, uh.. but I’m thinking maybe you should give the whole thing a rest.
Joe Pilson: [ losing it ] Yeah! Maybe I should! Maybe I should give it a rest! Or maybe, I should see you.. [ moves his mouth up against his coworker’s ear ] IN HELLLL!!!!
Coworker: Alright. [ returns to his desk ] [ Jill 2 walks up to Joe ]
Jill 2: Joe..
Joe Pilson: [ screams ] I’ll see you in Hell![ dissolve to exterior, office building ]
Narrator: [ over scroll ] “Six months went by, and Joe Pilson ocntinued to use the phrase, “I’ll see you in Hell” until it became so entrenched in his vernacular, that the words completely lost their power.”
Joe Pilson: Hello! No, you must have the wrong number. That’s okay. I’ll see you in Hell! [ hangs up ] [ Jill 2 walks up ] Oh, uh, here’s tht computer disc you needed.
Joe Pilson: Thanks a lot, Jill. See you in Hell![ Mr. Steiner enters the office with Mr. Henry in tow ]
Mr. Steiner: Joe, this is Mr. Henry.
Mr. Henry: Hey.
Joe Pilson: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Henry. [ under his breath ] I’ll see you in Hell.
Mr. Henry: I’m sorry?
Mr. Steiner: Uh, nothing, nothing. I believe you have a payment for Mr. Henry, Joe.[ Joe sits down and rummages through a drawer in his desk ]
Mr. Henry: [ sits next to Joe ] Well. It’s been great doing business with you, by the way.
Joe Pilson: Well. It’s a pleasure doing business with you. [ between gritted teeth ] I’ll see you in Hell!
Mr. Henry: Sorry, what was that?
Mr. Steiner: He didn’t say anything. Uh, just give him the check, Joe.[ Joe hands the check to Mr. Henry, who frowns when he looks at it ]
Mr. Henry: I’m sorry, but this check is made out to “I’ll see you in Hell”?
Mr. Steiner: Look, I’m really sorry. Will you excuse us for a moment?
Mr. Henry: [ stands ] I just met the man, why does he want to see me in Hell? [ exits scene ]
Mr. Steiner: I don’t know. [ stands over Joe ] Look – that is enough. you’re using it in every sentence now!
Joe Pilson: That’s not true. [ a beat ] I’ll see you in Hell.
Mr. Steiner: Okay, look, that’s the last straw. I hate to do this, because I know it will give you a legitimate reason to use that phrase, but – Joe, you’re fired!
Joe Pilson: Yeah?
Mr. Steiner: Yeah?
Joe Pilson: [ stands, as the music plays a dramatic sting ] You may fire me now.. but, someoday —
Mr. Steiner: Here it comes.
Joe Pilson: Someday! As sure as I’m standing right here —
Mr. Steiner: Mmm hmm.
Joe Pilson: You’ll regret this!
Mr. Steiner: Why?
Joe Pilson: Because, my friend: I! Will see! You! In! [ tries to get the word out, but falls into a spasm instead, as his heart pounds and his body drops to the floor ]
Jill 2: [ runs into scene ] Oh! Oh, my god! QWhat do you think he was going to say?!
Mr. Steiner: I guess we’ll never know.
Jill 2: Oh![ dissolve to black screen, with words: “78,043,721,902 Years Later” ] [ dissolve to the flames of Hell climbing to the sky, as Joe Pilson stands in the middle, checking his watch and rubbing his forehead impatiently ]
Joe Pilson: Man! When the heck are those guys gonna get here? [ looks offscreen, as his coworker enters ]
Joe Pilson: Heeeeeyyy!!! [ they hug ] I told ya’ I’d see ya’!
Coworker: [ laughs ] look who’s here![ Delivery Boy enters, carrying a bag ]
Delivery Boy: I got decaf, buddy! [ hands the bag to Joe ]
Joe Pilson: [ laughs ] Oh, you crazy man![ Jill 2 enters ]
Jill 2: Ohhh!! [ hugs Joe ]
Joe Pilson: Look at you![ Jill, Mr. Steiner and Mr. Henry also enter the scene ]
Joe Pilson: What happened? Did you guys eat in the cafeteria![ they all share the laugh ]
Joe Pilson: Let me show you around! Have you met Ben Franklin?
Everyone: Nooo!![ Joe runs offscreen, as the group, including Mr. Clemens, follows ] [ fade ]