Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 20
Lap Swimmer…..Tim Meadows
[ open on Man relaxing in an indoor jacuzzi, as a freaky-looking Lifeguard enters ]
Lifeguard: [ standing over jacuzzi, blowing a whistle ] Norough-housing.. in the jacuzzi! Settle down, please!
Man: You’re, uh.. you’re talking to me?
Lifeguard: Cut the horseplay, Sir.. or I’ll be forced to eject you from the swimming facility.. thank you, so much!
Man: I’m sorry.. uh.. who exactly are you?
Lifeguard: [ sits atop lifeguard chair and points at “Lifeguard On Duty” sign ] Lifeguard on Duty, Sir! If you don’t mind, I have to watch the water! [ stares intently at the water in the jacuzzi ]
Man: You’re the lifeguard for the little jacuzzi here?
Lifeguard: Correct, Sir! Continue splashing, and I’ll be forced to ban you from all aquatic activity! Thank you!
Man: you know, I’m just splashing water on myself, on my face..
Man: But I’m the only guy in this jacuzzi right now..
Lifeguard: I am on watch, Sir.. I cannot have thisconversation right now! [ stares at jacuzzi through binoculars – notices Man stretch himself across the jacuzzi, so he whips out a bullhorn ] ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! YOU ARE TOO FAR!! RETURN IMMEDIATELY!!
Man: Are you talking to me?
Lifeguard: [ waving naval flags ] Slide back to the wall! You are blocking the bubble jets! Repeat! You are blocking the bubble jets!
Man: Alright, fine.. [ slides back ] Is right here good?
Lifeguard: Watch that underow, Sir! It’ll blow you right out! [ gets up and throws divider rope across half of the jacuzzi ] Watch out!
Man: Wait.. what is this..?
Lifeguard: Siz o’clock, Sir! This side of the pool is for lap swimming only!
[ Lap Swimmer enters ]
Lifeguard: Afternoon, Mr. Garson!
Lap Swimmer: Good to see you, Frank!
[ Lifeguard blows his whistle, signalling the Lap Swimmer to jump in the jacuzzi and proceed to swim mini-laps back and forth for a minute ]
Lifeguard: [ blowing whistle ] Lap time is over!
Lap Swimmer: [ getting out of jacuzzi ] Whoo! That felt great! [ exits ]
Lifeguard: [ blows whistle at the Man ] Resume general swim!
Man: [ stands up to dry himself ]
Lifeguard: [ points bullhorn at Man’s face ] NO DIVING, SIR!!NO DIVING!!
Man: I’m not diving..!
Lifeguard: [ through bullhorn ] THE ENTIRE STAFF APPRECIATES YOUR COOPERATION!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
Man: [ sits back down and massages his foot ] Oooh.. ahh.. ow..
Lifeguard: Is there an emergency, Sir?!
Man: No! I just got a small cramp in my toe..
Lifeguard: CRAMP?! [ rushes to wall to grab life preserver and arm floaties ] Everyone, be calm! Stay away from this area! There’s nothing to see here!
Man: You’re not talking about me, are you..?
Lifeguard: Swimmer, do not panic! I am a trained professional lifesaver! [ dives into the jacuzzi and rescues the struggling Man ] Do not fight me, Sir! Just relax!
Man: What the hell are you doing!!
Lifeguard: [ throws Man against the side of the jacuzzi and snaps fingers in front of his eyes ] Can you hear me, Sir!
Man: Yes, I can you!
Lifeguard: Can you hear me!
Lifeguard: [ starts pounding on Man’s chest, hoping to revive him ] Nooo! It’s not your time yet! [ pulls Man forward and gives him mouth-to-mouth, much to the Man’s chagrin ]
Man: [ struggles free, upset ] I’m okay!! I AM OKAY!! You know, I don’t appreciate this! This is HORRIBLE!!
Lifeguard: That’s okay, Sir! You don’t have to thank me! You’ve been exposed to a horrible trauma! Just play it safe from now on! I think I’m gonna go for a little swim!
[ still inside life preserver, Lifeguarddives underwater, as the Man quickly exits the jacuzzi, to fade ]