SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Overprotective Lifeguard



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20





95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Overprotective Lifeguard

Man…..Will Ferrell
Lifeguard…..Jim Carrey
Lap Swimmer…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Man relaxing in an indoor jacuzzi, as a freaky-looking Lifeguard enters ]

Lifeguard: [ standing over jacuzzi, blowing a whistle ] Norough-housing.. in the jacuzzi! Settle down, please!

Man: You’re, uh.. you’re talking to me?

Lifeguard: Cut the horseplay, Sir.. or I’ll be forced to eject you from the swimming facility.. thank you, so much!

Man: I’m sorry.. uh.. who exactly are you?

Lifeguard: [ sits atop lifeguard chair and points at “Lifeguard On Duty” sign ] Lifeguard on Duty, Sir! If you don’t mind, I have to watch the water! [ stares intently at the water in the jacuzzi ]

Man: You’re the lifeguard for the little jacuzzi here?

Lifeguard: Correct, Sir! Continue splashing, and I’ll be forced to ban you from all aquatic activity! Thank you!

Man: you know, I’m just splashing water on myself, on my face..

Lifeguard:

Man: But I’m the only guy in this jacuzzi right now..

Lifeguard: I am on watch, Sir.. I cannot have thisconversation right now! [ stares at jacuzzi through binoculars – notices Man stretch himself across the jacuzzi, so he whips out a bullhorn ] ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! YOU ARE TOO FAR!! RETURN IMMEDIATELY!!

Man: Are you talking to me?

Lifeguard: [ waving naval flags ] Slide back to the wall! You are blocking the bubble jets! Repeat! You are blocking the bubble jets!

Man: Alright, fine.. [ slides back ] Is right here good?

Lifeguard: Watch that underow, Sir! It’ll blow you right out! [ gets up and throws divider rope across half of the jacuzzi ] Watch out!

Man: Wait.. what is this..?

Lifeguard: Siz o’clock, Sir! This side of the pool is for lap swimming only!

Man: What?

[ Lap Swimmer enters ]

Lifeguard: Afternoon, Mr. Garson!

Lap Swimmer: Good to see you, Frank!

[ Lifeguard blows his whistle, signalling the Lap Swimmer to jump in the jacuzzi and proceed to swim mini-laps back and forth for a minute ]

Lifeguard: [ blowing whistle ] Lap time is over!

Lap Swimmer: [ getting out of jacuzzi ] Whoo! That felt great! [ exits ]

Lifeguard: [ blows whistle at the Man ] Resume general swim!

Man: [ stands up to dry himself ]

Lifeguard: [ points bullhorn at Man’s face ] NO DIVING, SIR!!NO DIVING!!

Man: I’m not diving..!

Lifeguard: [ through bullhorn ] THE ENTIRE STAFF APPRECIATES YOUR COOPERATION!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

Man: [ sits back down and massages his foot ] Oooh.. ahh.. ow..

Lifeguard: Is there an emergency, Sir?!

Man: No! I just got a small cramp in my toe..

Lifeguard: CRAMP?! [ rushes to wall to grab life preserver and arm floaties ] Everyone, be calm! Stay away from this area! There’s nothing to see here!

Man: You’re not talking about me, are you..?

Lifeguard: Swimmer, do not panic! I am a trained professional lifesaver! [ dives into the jacuzzi and rescues the struggling Man ] Do not fight me, Sir! Just relax!

Man: What the hell are you doing!!

Lifeguard: [ throws Man against the side of the jacuzzi and snaps fingers in front of his eyes ] Can you hear me, Sir!

Man: Yes, I can you!

Lifeguard: Can you hear me!

Man: Yes!

Lifeguard: [ starts pounding on Man’s chest, hoping to revive him ] Nooo! It’s not your time yet! [ pulls Man forward and gives him mouth-to-mouth, much to the Man’s chagrin ]

Man: [ struggles free, upset ] I’m okay!! I AM OKAY!! You know, I don’t appreciate this! This is HORRIBLE!!

Lifeguard: That’s okay, Sir! You don’t have to thank me! You’ve been exposed to a horrible trauma! Just play it safe from now on! I think I’m gonna go for a little swim!

[ still inside life preserver, Lifeguarddives underwater, as the Man quickly exits the jacuzzi, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of