SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Jim Carrey’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Jim Carrey’s Monologue

…..Jim Carrey
Audience Member…..Adam McKay

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Jim Carrey!

Jim Carrey: [ moves his body like a robot, stretches his arms out toward the audience ] People of New York! I mean you no harm! Do not fear me! I come, not to destroy, but to brighten your lives through laughter and merriment! In exchange, I ask nothing more than your unconditional surrender! To “The Cable Guy”! Opening June 14th! And, perhaps, a crack at one of your freaky super models!

Our worlds are similar, yet different! Where I come from, minimum wage is $20 million! Yet, somehow, I manage to make ends meet! Some of your ways I do not undetand. Like the phrase “Over the top.” I do not understand this! where I come from, spastic facial contortions are considered the ultimate in artistic achievement! And talking out of one’s buttcrack, a sign of personal confidence!

[ the audience cheers, as Carrey lowers his arms and motions to the control booth ]

Jim Carrey: Can we just hold on for a second? Just hold on. Something is bothering me. There’s something very wrong here. You know, I’ve been up here trying to make you guys laugh since I got out here. But there’s one guy who’s really bothering me, because he’s got a stone face, and he’s not even smiling, and he’s right in the front row!

[ cut to audience member sitting stone-faced in the front row of the audience ]

And it’s really starting to get to me, you know? This guy, right here. [ points to the man and steps toward him ] Hey! What’s the problem, buddy?

Audience Member: I’m just not crazy about this whole spaceman thing, you know? It’s kind of going over my head. Can’t you be more like you are in the movies?

Jim Carrey: Oh, I see? A little smart for ya’, huh? I know what you want. [ returns to the Home Base ] You want me to come out here and go: “Allllrighty, then!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I know that! I know that!

Jim Carrey: I bet you’d love it if I just threw out the whole monologue, and went, “Ssssssssomebody stop me!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I knew it! That’s the good thing you do!

Jim Carrey: You want the Jim Carrey who goes: “Le-hoo.. sue-her!” Or: [ spins once ] “Ssssssssmokin’!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] That’s what I know! Yeah!

Jim Carrey: In that case.. [ sticks his teeth out wide ] “Let me show you something! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” Soundgarden is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Stick around, and watch me sell out big time!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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