Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 20
Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald
[ open on stock footage of Sen. Bob Dole delivering a speech ]
Sen. Bob Dole: Thank you very much!
Ted Koppel V/O: After 28 years in the Senate.. Bob Dole calls it quits.[ dissolve to “Nightline” opening ]
Announcer: This is “Nightline.” Reporting live, from Washington – Ted Koppel.[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: In what many are calling a political Hail Mary pass, Bob Dole, this week, resigned from the Senate, in order to devote his full energies to the presidential campaign. Here to discuss this surprising decision, is Senator – soon to be former Senator – Bob Dole.[ cut to Bob Dole, as the audience cheers heroically ]
Sen. Bob Dole: How do you do, Ted? How do you do?
Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, you certainly seem to be in an ebulient mood.
Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles ] Well, uh – this week, Ted, with my resignation from the Senate, we’ve begun my campaign anew. I think the American people are going to give us a second look.
Ted Koppel: Senator, has the mood in your campaign been dampered at all by President Clinton’s rather startling press conference today?
Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously ] What press conference?
Ted Koppel: The one that concluded a few hours ago? Let’s take a look.
Sen. Bob Dole: [ more nervously ] What press conference would that be?[ dissolve to taped footage of President Bill Clinton standing behind a podium on the White House lawn ] [ SUPER: “The White House, Earlier Today” ]
President Bill Clinton: Thank you for coming. First off, I would like to thank Senator Dole for his decades of service to our country. The Senate will be a poorer place for his absence. But I do know why he resigned.. and it got me to thinking. So, effective immediately, I am resigning from the office of the President of the United States —[ quick cut to Bob Dole looking agitated ] [ cut back to Clinton speaking ]President Bill Clinton: — so that my duties will not distract me from my presidential campaign. Furthermore, to ensure that absolutely nothing interferes with my quest for the presidency, earlier today, in a District of Columbia public court, I filed for divorce from my wife, Hillary, on the grounds that she was a big distraction. Thank you. [ cut back to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, your thoughts?
Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh — [ drops his pen ]
Ted Koppel: It would seem the President has one-upped you.
Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh, not at all, Ted. In fact, after much soul searching, prayer, and consultation with my wife, Elizabeth, I’ve decided that I, uh – well, uh, in order to give the Amercian people the kind of presidential campaign that they deserve – well, I can’t do it like Bill Clinton, as just a man. That’s why I intend to undergo a series of medical procedures which will permit me to campaign, not as a man, but as a kind of half-man/ half-woman. Some kind of an androgynous sex neuter.
Ted Koppel: That is absolutely astounding, Mr. Dole! I mean, how’s this going to be accomplished?
Sen. Bob Dole: [ fumbling for words ] Well, uh – uh – ah, I don’t want to get into the nuts and bolts of it, Ted! It’s kind of a grisly thing there, but I think the American people will agree that we’ve had too much of the whole male-female gridlock on Capitol Hill, and it’s time to move beyond that! Uh – well, the new gender-neutral Bob Dole is the candidate who can do it!
Ted Koppel: In other words, you plan to run – not as Bob Dole, Senate Majority Leader from Kansas, but as Bob Dole, she-male? Forgive me, Senator, but a cynic might say this is just a way of dealing with the gender gap issue, and a rather unsavory one at that.
Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – okay, Ted, how about this: Bob Dole. Not male, not female – not even human! Bob Dole, beam of pure energy! [ chuckles triumphantly ] How about that! It never tires, it never ages!
Ted Koppel: Senator, even assuming you could be converted into pure energy, where would this beam of energy be stored?
Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – well, the Bob Dole energy beam would be stored in a – in a – crystal! And then, when Congress was ready to pass real welfare reform, real deficit reduction, why Bob Dole, why, he’d, uh – he’d simply jump out of the crystal and materialize!
Ted Koppel: Like – like Obi-wan Kinobi?
Sen. Bob Dole: Yeah. Whoever that is, sure.
Ted Koppel: Senator, to be honest, I liked the she-male idea better.
Sen. Bob Dole: You did, huh? Well, uh – ah, well, you’re right, Ted Koppel! Who the hell am I kidding? I don’t have a Chinaman’s chance in this election.
Ted Koppel: I-I wouldn’t say that, Senator.
Sen. Bob Dole: Hey, hey, what about that! Bob Dole, Chinaman! Yeah! Hard working, good at math!
Ted Koppel: [ shakes his head ] Senator, I’m gonna stop now before you embarrass yourself any further.
Sen. Bob Dole: Ah, you call that embarrassment, huh? I’ll give you embarrassment right now. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”