Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 20
The Joe Pesci Show
Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer
Jimmy Stewart…..Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey…..Mark McKinney
Announcer: Welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show”. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.
[ CUT TO: Joe Pesci on his talk show set. ]
Joe Pesci: Hey! Hey, everyone, welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show.” I’m Joe Pesci! Huh? Nice, huh? Got my desk here, got my mike here, got my ice pick here – I got everything! Okay, this “Joe Pesci Show” is special, because tomorrow marks the 88th birthday of one of the greatest actors of all-time and he was my boyhood idol. And he’s here tonight! Please welcome, the legendary Jimmy Stewart!
[ Jimmy Stewart waddles out and sits on the couch. ]
Joe Pesci: Have a seat, have a seat… Mr. Stewart, welcome to my show.
Jimmy Stewart: Nice to see you, Johnny!
[ Joe gives the hand signal for senility to the audience. ]
Joe Pesci: Now Jimmy, you may be 88, but as they say, “You’re only as old as you feel.” Huh?
Jimmy Stewart: Well, then I probably died six years ago.
[ Stewart pulls out a piece of paper from his inner coat pocket. ]
Joe Pesci: This guy over here… You know, Jimmy, when I was a kid, you were my boyhood idol. And I always dreamt that one day —
Jimmy Stewart: I have a poem!!
Joe Pesci: And I had a story! But since I’m going to be around here next week, well you go ahead…
[ Joe starts puffing on a cigar. ]
Joe Pesci: C’mon… go ahead…
[ Stewart scans over the paper. ]
Jimmy Stewart: “Little Trout” by Jim Stewart —
‘I woke one day for a taste for trout.
So I got into my boat and headed out.’
Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! That was a great poem, Jimmy! My next guest is —
‘He spotted my bait and began to give chase.
When my hook went and ripped into his fishy face.
Then he looked at me like I was his friend.
So I let him go and went out for a good piece of steak.’
Joe Pesci: Hey! That was a great and beautiful story. You know what though? That reminds me of this story of when I was stabbing this guy’s head in Sheepshead Bay, you know? And I was sitting there and he was looking at me with that one good eye, you know? And I got to tell you – I was touched. I killed him anyway! Let’s bring on our next guest. A real funny guy. Here he is — Jim Carrey! He’s here!
[ Jim Carrey mugs it up as he walks in and seats himself next to Jimmy Stewart. ]
Jim Carrey: Good to see you, Joe! How are you, Mr. Stewart? Still breathing? Are you!?
[ Carrey chuckles madly. ]
Joe Pesci: Look at this guy over here…
Jimmy Stewart: Who is this clown?
Jim Carrey: Say there! Let me introduce myself…
[ Carrey hops on the couch, turns his backside to Stewart’s face, and starts playing with his ass cheeks. ]
Jim Carrey: ‘Hi there! I’m Jim Carrey! Pleased to meet ya!’
[ Carrey sits down. ]
Jimmy Stewart: Smoke a lot of dope, son? That’s a rhetorical question!
Jim Carrey: Re-eeaa-hea-lly?
[ Stewart leans into Joe’s ear. ]
Jimmy Stewart: This fellow mugs so much, you should put a handle on the side of his head.
Joe Pesci: Now Jim, I understand you do a great impression of Jimmy Stewart. Why don’t you do it? I love it. I saw you do it.
Jim Carrey: Well… I’d rather talk about my movie “The Cable Guy” opening June 14th, but here it goes [mimics Stewart’s voice] I’m Jimmy Stewart. I’m incredibly old!
Jimmy Stewart: Completely untalented! Let me show you how it’s done, son.
[ Stewart slowly rises up. ]
Joe Pesci: Take your time.
Jimmy Stewart: Here’s an impression for you…
[ Stewart his back to the camera then faces it. ]
Jimmy Stewart: I’m Jim Carrey. I’ll do anything for a laugh! I’ll do anything for attention 24 hours a day! LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!!!
[ Stewart sits down. ]
Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! Look over here! This guy knows what he’s doing.
Jim Carrey: Nice try, old timer! But I don’t think so.
Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! Wait a second, here! Mr. Jimmy Stewart’s impression is not good enough for Jim Carrey? Huh?
Jim Carrey: Nope.
Joe Pesci: Oh… Well, I think I got an impression you just might like, Mr. Carrey.
[ Joe gets out of his chair and goes behind the couch. ]
Joe Pesci: It goes a little something like this… ‘Riddle me this, riddle me that, say hello to my big, fat bat!’
[ Joe pulls out a baseball bat and clocks Carrey over the head. Carrey exits the set. ]
Joe Pesci: Now the kid’s ready to do “Numb and Number”!
Jimmy Stewart: I have never agreed with gratuitous violence.
Joe Pesci: Yeah! Me neither!
[ Joe clocks Stewart over the head. Stewart falls to the floor. ]
Joe Pesci: What am I!? Some violent canoli sucking criminal to you!
[ Joe walks over to Stewart’s body. ]
Joe Pesci: You’re an American icon and I’m some ethnic moron!
[ Stewart arises from the floor. ]
Joe Pesci: Is that what’s going on?
Jimmy Stewart: That about sums it up! You midget mobster greaseball!!
Joe Pesci: Oh really? Well, it’s been a wonderful life, Jimmy. Unfortunately, it’s time to say goodbye!
[ Joe swings the bat at Stewart, who blocks the swing and manages to snag the bat. ]
Joe Pesci: Hey… what are you doing?
Jimmy Stewart: This is a nice baseball bat. I wonder what it would look like — buried in your ass.
Joe Pesci: You think so?
Jimmy Stewart: HEY HARVEY! GET HIM!
Joe Pesci: Who’s Harvey?
[ Joe turns around to see “Harvey”. Stewart slugs the bat at him over and over. Joe screams in pain. ]
Jimmy Stewart: I kind of like this feeling… Makes me feel young again…
[ Joe gets up. ]
Joe Pesci: C’mon Jimmy… Let’s talk about this.
Jimmy Stewart: SHUT UP, GREASEBALL!
[ Stewart jabs the knob of the bat into Joe’s testicles and then into his forehead. Joe falls behind his desk. ]
Jimmy Stewart: You hear that, Clarence? Every time a Guido sings, an angel gets his wings.
[ Stewart looks into the camera. ]
Jimmy Stewart: Excuse me, son. You can shut off the camera now. Show’s over.
[ The camera stays focused. ]
Jimmy Stewart: Hey! I’m talking to you! Son of a bitch thinks I’m playing games. Well, here’s a game for you…
[ Stewart swings the bat at the camera. The lens cracks. Stewart spits into the lens. ]
Jimmy Stewart: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE ELDERLY.[singing]
“Happy Birthday to Me..”
Submitted by: Cody Downs