SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Spade in America

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spade in America

…..David Spade

[Opens with David sitting at his desk]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Spade in America with David Spade.

[cheers and applause]

David Spade: All right. Good crowd. Well, good evening. I hope you guys are having fun. The show is been going good so far. Which you may noticed, there’s a lot of talented new cast members and we’ve gotten to know them pretty well during the past 20 shows. So, let’s take a quick review of this year’s group.

[photo pf Nancy Walls]

Nancy Walls. Sweet girl. She just got married before the start of the season. I’ve been to parties with Nancy and trust me, she ain’t that married.

[photo of Mark McKinney]

Hi. I’ve been in 40 sketches this season. Name one.

[photo of David Koechner]

David Koechner. Definitely the funniest guy around the office. Not this office, but still.

[photo of Colin Quinn]

Colin Quinn. This guy got his start on “MTV’s Remote Control”. Now there’s a whole generation of kids going: “Hey, is that Colin Quinn’s dad?”

[photos of Chris Kattan and Fred Wolf]

America, you decide. Feature players? Or a couple of extras from “The Birdcage”?

[audience groans]

It’s a hit movie!

[photo of Tim Meadows]

Tim Meadows. Never met him–[applause] yeah. Didn’t get to meet him. Heard he’s funny.

[photo of Molly Shannon]

Mmmm, don’t know…

[photo of Darrell Hammond]

not sure…

[photo of Will Ferrell]

…looks familiar….

[ photo of Cheri Oteri]

…did her, didn’t know she worked here. Look, I’m just messing around. This is obviously a great new cast, lot of new friends. “The Hollywood Minute” is just my was of expressing love. So, if you have a second I thought we take a look back at some of my favorite “Hollywood Minutes” from the past. So, get out your hankies and let’s take a look back at me being an ass.

[cut to Hollywood Minute segments from the early 90’s. Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays] [photo of Michael Bolton]

Michael Bolton. Big star, popular musician. But guess what? You’re bald and we all know it. I don’t care how long you’re growing your hair on the back, we know what’s happening on top. I know you sold 9 million albums, but guess what? I don’t know anybody that has one.

[cut to another segment, photo of Cindy Crawford]

I saw that new Charly perfume commercial where Cindy Crawford sings…yikes! [mockingly sings monotone] “And the call it…tone deaf”. How can you do this? Cindy, what was going through your mole?

[another segment, photo of Erik Estrada dressed as Punch from “Chips”]

Hi. I need work.

[another segment, photo of Latoya Jackson]

Latoya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jacksons, how screwed up you have to be to be known as the crazy one?

[another segment, photo of MC Hammer] [to the tune of “Can’t touch this”]

Do, dodo, do, dodo, dodo…it’s over.

[another segment, Steve Martin’s movie poster “Leap of Faith”]

And Steve Martin’s “Leap of Faith”. I was gonna see it, but I was sick that day.[Steve appears behind David sipping a drink, audience roars] He, uh…oh, yeah, oh yeah.

[another segment, poster for the film “The Bodyguard”]

And I also sat through “The Bodyguard”. [mocking Whitney Houston’s mega hit “I’ll always love you”] And… I-I-I-I-ahi-I-ahi-I-I-I want my money back.

[another segment, photo of child star Macaulay Culkin]

Hi. First off, your dad is nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid. You’re cute. You got blond hair, everyone loves you. It’s true. Here’s the catch. [photo of a 10 year old David Spade appears next to Macaulay’s photo, they’re almost identical] I used to look exactly like you when I was ten. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. [points at himself] This is where you’re headed, buddy! Welcome to hell!

[Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays. Cut to David back live dabbing his eyes with a napkin. Big applause.]

MC Hammer jokes still make me a little misty. By the way, my former hairstylist and me are still in litigation. Anyway, it’s been a fun 6 years and uh, it hasn’t really…uh, hasn’t really. It’s been mostly mind games, but still it had it moments. Like the time I saw Elle McPherson in a quick change booth naked, accidentally. [darts eyes around] Anyway, you guys, thanks for sitting through that. Have a nice summer. We’ll see you soon.

[Spade in America logo] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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