Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 20
Spade in America
[Opens with David sitting at his desk]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Spade in America with David Spade.
[cheers and applause]
David Spade: All right. Good crowd. Well, good evening. I hope you guys are having fun. The show is been going good so far. Which you may noticed, there’s a lot of talented new cast members and we’ve gotten to know them pretty well during the past 20 shows. So, let’s take a quick review of this year’s group.
[photo pf Nancy Walls]
Nancy Walls. Sweet girl. She just got married before the start of the season. I’ve been to parties with Nancy and trust me, she ain’t that married.
[photo of Mark McKinney]
Hi. I’ve been in 40 sketches this season. Name one.
[photo of David Koechner]
David Koechner. Definitely the funniest guy around the office. Not this office, but still.
[photo of Colin Quinn]
Colin Quinn. This guy got his start on “MTV’s Remote Control”. Now there’s a whole generation of kids going: “Hey, is that Colin Quinn’s dad?”
[photos of Chris Kattan and Fred Wolf]
America, you decide. Feature players? Or a couple of extras from “The Birdcage”?
It’s a hit movie!
[photo of Tim Meadows]
Tim Meadows. Never met him–[applause] yeah. Didn’t get to meet him. Heard he’s funny.
[photo of Molly Shannon]
Mmmm, don’t know…
[photo of Darrell Hammond]
[photo of Will Ferrell]
[ photo of Cheri Oteri]
…did her, didn’t know she worked here. Look, I’m just messing around. This is obviously a great new cast, lot of new friends. “The Hollywood Minute” is just my was of expressing love. So, if you have a second I thought we take a look back at some of my favorite “Hollywood Minutes” from the past. So, get out your hankies and let’s take a look back at me being an ass.
[cut to Hollywood Minute segments from the early 90’s. Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays]
[photo of Michael Bolton]
Michael Bolton. Big star, popular musician. But guess what? You’re bald and we all know it. I don’t care how long you’re growing your hair on the back, we know what’s happening on top. I know you sold 9 million albums, but guess what? I don’t know anybody that has one.
[cut to another segment, photo of Cindy Crawford]
I saw that new Charly perfume commercial where Cindy Crawford sings…yikes! [mockingly sings monotone] “And the call it…tone deaf”. How can you do this? Cindy, what was going through your mole?
[another segment, photo of Erik Estrada dressed as Punch from “Chips”]
Hi. I need work.
[another segment, photo of Latoya Jackson]
Latoya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jacksons, how screwed up you have to be to be known as the crazy one?
[another segment, photo of MC Hammer]
[to the tune of “Can’t touch this”]
Do, dodo, do, dodo, dodo…it’s over.
[another segment, Steve Martin’s movie poster “Leap of Faith”]
And Steve Martin’s “Leap of Faith”. I was gonna see it, but I was sick that day.[Steve appears behind David sipping a drink, audience roars] He, uh…oh, yeah, oh yeah.
[another segment, poster for the film “The Bodyguard”]
And I also sat through “The Bodyguard”. [mocking Whitney Houston’s mega hit “I’ll always love you”] And… I-I-I-I-ahi-I-ahi-I-I-I want my money back.
[another segment, photo of child star Macaulay Culkin]
Hi. First off, your dad is nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid. You’re cute. You got blond hair, everyone loves you. It’s true. Here’s the catch. [photo of a 10 year old David Spade appears next to Macaulay’s photo, they’re almost identical] I used to look exactly like you when I was ten. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. [points at himself] This is where you’re headed, buddy! Welcome to hell!
[Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays. Cut to David back live dabbing his eyes with a napkin. Big applause.]
MC Hammer jokes still make me a little misty. By the way, my former hairstylist and me are still in litigation. Anyway, it’s been a fun 6 years and uh, it hasn’t really…uh, hasn’t really. It’s been mostly mind games, but still it had it moments. Like the time I saw Elle McPherson in a quick change booth naked, accidentally. [darts eyes around] Anyway, you guys, thanks for sitting through that. Have a nice summer. We’ll see you soon.
[Spade in America logo]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel