SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Spartan Cheerleaders


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spartan Cheerleaders

Principal…..Mark McKinney
Lochmiel…..Jim Carrey
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on interior, Principal’s office somewhere in Europe – Lochmiel enters talking through a bullhorn ]

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Good morning!

Principal: [ subtitles ] Please sit down. Lochmiel, your spiritannoys the other students. You must leave South Europe High.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Where will I go?

Principal: [ subtitles ] You’re being sent to America as an exchange student.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] But I’ll miss my friends.

Principal: [ subtitles ] Too bad. So long.

[ cut to East Lake High’s Wrestling Tournament in America – non-Spartancheerleaders Craig and Arianna cheerleading the team on ]

Together: [ cheering ]“Mess him up! Mess him up!
We don’t care!
There’s a big red ambulance right over there!
Stitch him up and check his pulse,
Get ’em a bed pan!
The only one to call is Doc Kevorkian!
Hook ’em up, Let ’em drip,

[ a pair of wrestlers topple at their feet ]

Arianna: Keep ’em on the mat! Keep ’em on the mat!

Craig: They’re sweaty! They’re sweaty! [ they sit on the bench ] I am so excited about Lochmiel joining our squad!

Arianna: I just don’t know, Craig – I don’t trust foreign spirit.

Craig: I know, but he’s a spirit machine – he never stops. Besides, he’s got some sizzling Euro moves!

Arianna: Alright, well, I guess he deserves a chance. Sorry Isnapped? [ she hugs Craig ]

[ Lochmiel runs up, speaking in his foreign language. He jumps up withCraig, then sits down and notices Arianna. ]

Lochmiel: You must be Arianna! Craig was right – you aretantalizing!

Arianna: Welcome to our country, Lochmiel. But let’s chin down, and chit-chat later, okay? [ notices the action in the match ] Oh, my God! Bridge, Tyler! Bridge, Tyler!

Craig: Bridge! Bridge! Bridge!

[ all three stand to cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]“Uh! Ungowa,
Spartans got the power!
We’re the winning tribe,
Just try to catch our vibe!
Nam yo ho reng gay chow!
Go Spartans!”

Craig: “Hey! Who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!”

Craig: “I said who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!

Together: “Uh-huh, Uh-huh,
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh!
Asian Immigrants!”

[ Ariana jumps into Lochmiel’s arms ]

Arianna: Lochmiel.. I don’t know.. I feel all.. squooshy inside..

Lochmiel: My.. groin.. feels to be petrified..

Craig: Arianna?

Arianna: What..?

Craig: Alexis wants you.

Arianna: Where is she..? [ looks up and yells towards Alexis ] What, Alexis? What? His name is “Lochmiel”. Yeah, he’s foreign, yeah, that means he has an accent and is kind of stinky. He’s kind of stinky! He stinks! I can’t hear! Call me later, okay! [ returns to Craig and Lochmiel ]

Craig: Oh, my God! Virgil’s caught in a half-nelson!

Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us now! More than ever!

[ the three of them stand up to do a rollercoaster cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]“Click-click-click-click-click-click!
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster!”

[ Lochmiel starts to dance, as Craig and Arianna cheer him on ]

Arianna: Go, Lochmiel! go, Lochmiel!

[ Lochmiel drops something from his pocket – Craig bends down to pick it up ]

Craig: Lochmiel! You dropped your.. [ stunned, as he realizes what the object is ]

Arianna: [ examining object ] Dexatrim? But Lochmiel doesn’t have a weight problem! [ Lochmiel hyperactively dances past ] Craig! This means Lochmiel’s spirit..

Craig: ..comes in an easy-to-swallow tablet..

Lochmiel: Hey, my friends! What is being our next cheer is?

Arianna: [ upset ] It’s called “My Gums Are Bleeding Because I’mSo Hocked Up On Diet Pills!” [ cries into Craig’s arms ]

Craig: Do you know that cheer, Lochmiel, because I thinkthat you do!

Arianna: What we had ws real, Lochmiel – but you threw itall away! What were you thinking?

[ Craig returns the Dexatrim to Lochmiel ]

Lochmiel: [ over violin music ] I was.. fooling around with thewrong crowd.. when I learned that these pills would be the shortcut to the super-spirit. I have let you down now.

Craig: Lochmiel, super-spirit doesn’t come from a pharmacy. Itcomes from within.

Arianna: Yeah. The only prescription you need is the Perfect Cheer!

[ Lochmeil tosses the pills ]

Craig & Arianna: Now let’s blow this mother out!

Lochmiel: [ confused ] Do what to my mother?

Craig & Arianna: Let’s kick it!

Lochmiel: Oh.

[ they play “I Like Big Butts” – Craig and Lochmiel bend over, as Arianna simulates pumping their butts up to size ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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