Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 20
Spartan Cheerleaders
Principal…..Mark McKinney
Lochmiel…..Jim Carrey
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
[ open on interior, Principal’s office somewhere in Europe – Lochmiel enters talking through a bullhorn ]
Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Good morning!
Principal: [ subtitles ] Please sit down. Lochmiel, your spiritannoys the other students. You must leave South Europe High.
Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Where will I go?
Principal: [ subtitles ] You’re being sent to America as an exchange student.
Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] But I’ll miss my friends.
Principal: [ subtitles ] Too bad. So long.
[ cut to East Lake High’s Wrestling Tournament in America – non-Spartancheerleaders Craig and Arianna cheerleading the team on ]
Together: [ cheering ]
“Mess him up! Mess him up!
We don’t care!
There’s a big red ambulance right over there!
Stitch him up and check his pulse,
Get ’em a bed pan!
The only one to call is Doc Kevorkian!
Hook ’em up, Let ’em drip,
Die!”
[ a pair of wrestlers topple at their feet ]
Arianna: Keep ’em on the mat! Keep ’em on the mat!
Craig: They’re sweaty! They’re sweaty! [ they sit on the bench ] I am so excited about Lochmiel joining our squad!
Arianna: I just don’t know, Craig – I don’t trust foreign spirit.
Craig: I know, but he’s a spirit machine – he never stops. Besides, he’s got some sizzling Euro moves!
Arianna: Alright, well, I guess he deserves a chance. Sorry Isnapped? [ she hugs Craig ]
[ Lochmiel runs up, speaking in his foreign language. He jumps up withCraig, then sits down and notices Arianna. ]
Lochmiel: You must be Arianna! Craig was right – you aretantalizing!
Arianna: Welcome to our country, Lochmiel. But let’s chin down, and chit-chat later, okay? [ notices the action in the match ] Oh, my God! Bridge, Tyler! Bridge, Tyler!
Craig: Bridge! Bridge! Bridge!
[ all three stand to cheer ]
Together: [ cheering ]
“Uh! Ungowa,
Spartans got the power!
We’re the winning tribe,
Just try to catch our vibe!
Nam yo ho reng gay chow!
Go Spartans!”
Craig: “Hey! Who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”
Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!”
Craig: “I said who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”
Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!
Together: “Uh-huh, Uh-huh,
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh!
Asian Immigrants!”
[ Ariana jumps into Lochmiel’s arms ]
Arianna: Lochmiel.. I don’t know.. I feel all.. squooshy inside..
Lochmiel: My.. groin.. feels to be petrified..
Craig: Arianna?
Arianna: What..?
Craig: Alexis wants you.
Arianna: Where is she..? [ looks up and yells towards Alexis ] What, Alexis? What? His name is “Lochmiel”. Yeah, he’s foreign, yeah, that means he has an accent and is kind of stinky. He’s kind of stinky! He stinks! I can’t hear! Call me later, okay! [ returns to Craig and Lochmiel ]
Craig: Oh, my God! Virgil’s caught in a half-nelson!
Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us now! More than ever!
[ the three of them stand up to do a rollercoaster cheer ]
Together: [ cheering ]
“Click-click-click-click-click-click!
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster!”
[ Lochmiel starts to dance, as Craig and Arianna cheer him on ]
Arianna: Go, Lochmiel! go, Lochmiel!
[ Lochmiel drops something from his pocket – Craig bends down to pick it up ]
Craig: Lochmiel! You dropped your.. [ stunned, as he realizes what the object is ]
Arianna: [ examining object ] Dexatrim? But Lochmiel doesn’t have a weight problem! [ Lochmiel hyperactively dances past ] Craig! This means Lochmiel’s spirit..
Craig: ..comes in an easy-to-swallow tablet..
Lochmiel: Hey, my friends! What is being our next cheer is?
Arianna: [ upset ] It’s called “My Gums Are Bleeding Because I’mSo Hocked Up On Diet Pills!” [ cries into Craig’s arms ]
Craig: Do you know that cheer, Lochmiel, because I thinkthat you do!
Arianna: What we had ws real, Lochmiel – but you threw itall away! What were you thinking?
[ Craig returns the Dexatrim to Lochmiel ]
Lochmiel: [ over violin music ] I was.. fooling around with thewrong crowd.. when I learned that these pills would be the shortcut to the super-spirit. I have let you down now.
Craig: Lochmiel, super-spirit doesn’t come from a pharmacy. Itcomes from within.
Arianna: Yeah. The only prescription you need is the Perfect Cheer!
[ Lochmeil tosses the pills ]
Craig & Arianna: Now let’s blow this mother out!
Lochmiel: [ confused ] Do what to my mother?
Craig & Arianna: Let’s kick it!
Lochmiel: Oh.
[ they play “I Like Big Butts” – Craig and Lochmiel bend over, as Arianna simulates pumping their butts up to size ]
[ fade out ]
