SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Spartan Cheerleaders



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20



95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spartan Cheerleaders

Principal…..Mark McKinney
Lochmiel…..Jim Carrey
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on interior, Principal’s office somewhere in Europe – Lochmiel enters talking through a bullhorn ]

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Good morning!

Principal: [ subtitles ] Please sit down. Lochmiel, your spiritannoys the other students. You must leave South Europe High.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Where will I go?

Principal: [ subtitles ] You’re being sent to America as an exchange student.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] But I’ll miss my friends.

Principal: [ subtitles ] Too bad. So long.

[ cut to East Lake High’s Wrestling Tournament in America – non-Spartancheerleaders Craig and Arianna cheerleading the team on ]

Together: [ cheering ]
“Mess him up! Mess him up!
We don’t care!
There’s a big red ambulance right over there!
Stitch him up and check his pulse,
Get ’em a bed pan!
The only one to call is Doc Kevorkian!
Hook ’em up, Let ’em drip,
Die!”

[ a pair of wrestlers topple at their feet ]

Arianna: Keep ’em on the mat! Keep ’em on the mat!

Craig: They’re sweaty! They’re sweaty! [ they sit on the bench ] I am so excited about Lochmiel joining our squad!

Arianna: I just don’t know, Craig – I don’t trust foreign spirit.

Craig: I know, but he’s a spirit machine – he never stops. Besides, he’s got some sizzling Euro moves!

Arianna: Alright, well, I guess he deserves a chance. Sorry Isnapped? [ she hugs Craig ]

[ Lochmiel runs up, speaking in his foreign language. He jumps up withCraig, then sits down and notices Arianna. ]

Lochmiel: You must be Arianna! Craig was right – you aretantalizing!

Arianna: Welcome to our country, Lochmiel. But let’s chin down, and chit-chat later, okay? [ notices the action in the match ] Oh, my God! Bridge, Tyler! Bridge, Tyler!

Craig: Bridge! Bridge! Bridge!

[ all three stand to cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]
“Uh! Ungowa,
Spartans got the power!
We’re the winning tribe,
Just try to catch our vibe!
Nam yo ho reng gay chow!
Go Spartans!”

Craig: “Hey! Who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!”

Craig: “I said who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!

Together: “Uh-huh, Uh-huh,
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh!
Asian Immigrants!”

[ Ariana jumps into Lochmiel’s arms ]

Arianna: Lochmiel.. I don’t know.. I feel all.. squooshy inside..

Lochmiel: My.. groin.. feels to be petrified..

Craig: Arianna?

Arianna: What..?

Craig: Alexis wants you.

Arianna: Where is she..? [ looks up and yells towards Alexis ] What, Alexis? What? His name is “Lochmiel”. Yeah, he’s foreign, yeah, that means he has an accent and is kind of stinky. He’s kind of stinky! He stinks! I can’t hear! Call me later, okay! [ returns to Craig and Lochmiel ]

Craig: Oh, my God! Virgil’s caught in a half-nelson!

Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us now! More than ever!

[ the three of them stand up to do a rollercoaster cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]
“Click-click-click-click-click-click!
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster!”

[ Lochmiel starts to dance, as Craig and Arianna cheer him on ]

Arianna: Go, Lochmiel! go, Lochmiel!

[ Lochmiel drops something from his pocket – Craig bends down to pick it up ]

Craig: Lochmiel! You dropped your.. [ stunned, as he realizes what the object is ]

Arianna: [ examining object ] Dexatrim? But Lochmiel doesn’t have a weight problem! [ Lochmiel hyperactively dances past ] Craig! This means Lochmiel’s spirit..

Craig: ..comes in an easy-to-swallow tablet..

Lochmiel: Hey, my friends! What is being our next cheer is?

Arianna: [ upset ] It’s called “My Gums Are Bleeding Because I’mSo Hocked Up On Diet Pills!” [ cries into Craig’s arms ]

Craig: Do you know that cheer, Lochmiel, because I thinkthat you do!

Arianna: What we had ws real, Lochmiel – but you threw itall away! What were you thinking?

[ Craig returns the Dexatrim to Lochmiel ]

Lochmiel: [ over violin music ] I was.. fooling around with thewrong crowd.. when I learned that these pills would be the shortcut to the super-spirit. I have let you down now.

Craig: Lochmiel, super-spirit doesn’t come from a pharmacy. Itcomes from within.

Arianna: Yeah. The only prescription you need is the Perfect Cheer!

[ Lochmeil tosses the pills ]

Craig & Arianna: Now let’s blow this mother out!

Lochmiel: [ confused ] Do what to my mother?

Craig & Arianna: Let’s kick it!

Lochmiel: Oh.

[ they play “I Like Big Butts” – Craig and Lochmiel bend over, as Arianna simulates pumping their butts up to size ]

[ fade out ]

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