Weekend Update 9/30/95

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic] [opening music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you….Thank you….Tha-anks, I’m Norm MacDonald, and I’ll be there for you.

Well, the Trial of the Century is over. Late yesterday, the fate of O.J. Simpson, the most famous murder suspect in United States history, was placed in the hands of the jurors. They must now decide whether to free him or get all their heads cut off.

Testimony during the final week provided some spellbinding moments. In a brilliant move during closing arguments, Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey hey, easy with that! That’s my lucky stabbin’ hat!”

In the course of his summation, Cochran also brought out Detective Mark Fuhrman, calling him a, quote, “genocidal racist,” and comparing him to Adolf Hitler. Fuhrman later responded, “After all the things he said about me during this trial, it’s a little late to start sucking up now.”

Meanwhile, Fuhrman, who was expected to face disciplinary action by the LAPD, may get off lightly. Under the terms of a controversial plea bargain, the charges against him have been reduced to, quote, “one count of using the word ‘darky.'”

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause] [photo of Anna Nicole Smith kissing J. Howard Marshall] Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbageman, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Nancy: I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Norm: Well, is that…that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

Nancy: No no, Norm, there’s one more item. I’m a new cast member. I just moved here all the way from Chicago. And this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….[cheers and applause] No, that’s – that’s not right. That’s not right.

Nancy: What are you gonna do?

Norm: Well – well, hey! Maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

Nancy: You really think so?

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Noo, noo…no, no. Nancy Walls, everybody!…Nancy Walls.

Remember 12 Angry Men, the classic courtroom drama? Well, the first film about the O.J. Simpson case is in the works. It’s entitled Nine Angry Black People, Two Scared Asians, and a White Guy Who Hasn’t Spoken Since Rosa Lopez.

In Carlsbad, Texas, a tanker truck crashed into a prison bus, injuring 16 inmates. Doctors say it will be at least two weeks before the men are up and around and raping each other again.

America’s best known atheist, Madalyn Murray O’Hair, is missing, and hasn’t been seen for weeks. Her family is asking everyone to not pray.

And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra. And at number two: Ezra. [delayed applause] [photo of Elton John with a tennis racket in his mouth] Meanwhile, Elton John continues to deny rumors that he is engaged to his tennis racket.

Finally, folks, next week, Jews everywhere will be celebrating the holiday of Yom Kippur. Or as non-Jews refer to it: Wednesday.

And that’s all for now, folks. Good night!

[closing music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts] [fade to black]

Author: Gregory Larson

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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