Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 1
September 28th, 1996
Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
ABC News Election ReportSummary: Peter Jennings (Tom Hanks) moderates as President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond), Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) and Ross Perot (Cheri Oteri) bicker during their debate.
Recurring Characters: Peter Jennings, President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Ross Perot, Al Gore.
Tom Hanks’ MonologueSummary: Tom Hanks reads the Oscar acceptance speech he disn’t get to use this year.
Also Hosted: 85e, 87l, 88a, 89m, 90h, 91s, 05q.
Big Brawn Feminine NapkinsSummary: When it comes to feminine hygeine, Big Brawn equates the feeling of a lumberjack (Will Ferrell) between your knees.
The Roxbury GuysSummary: Another new club hopper (Tom Hanks) joins Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) in a wild night carousing, hitting on women, and landing in jail.
Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.
Hey, Remember The 80’sSummary: Goat Boy (Jim Breuer) hosts an 80’s flashback show on M-TV.
Recurring Characters: Goat Boy, Tina Yothers, William “The Refrigerator” Perry.
Spartan CheerleadersSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) are visited by the Spartan Spirit (Tom Hanks).
Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.
TV FunhouseSummary: Superheroes Ace and Gary, the Ambiguously Gay Duo, fall victim to a trap set by their nemesis Big Head, who yearns for world domination and the opportunity to out his foes.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: M-TV airhead Kincaid (Ana Gasteyer) references past TV shows during her commentary. Kerry Strug and her brother Kippy (Chris Kattan) discuss their experiences at the Olympics in Atlanta.
Recurring Characters: Kincaid.
Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers performs “Walls”
The Tonight Show with Jay LenoSummary: Missing link Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) wreaks havoc on the set of “The Tonight Show.”
Recurring Characters: Jay Leno, Andie MacDowell, Mr. Peepers.
Creativity TestSummary: Mr. Tolson (Tom Hanks) finds it an arduous challenge to come up with one original thought.
Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers performs “Angel Dream”
Classic Sing-along with the Drunken AssesSummary: They love to sing, but they’re too drunk to remember the lyrics.
Brief HistoriesSummary: Cannibalism within the Donner Party is recalled.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) participates in a school production of MacBeth.
Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher, Patrick.