SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 09/28/96: The Tonight Show With Jay Leno



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 1





96a: Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

Jay Leno…..Darrell Hammond
Andie MacDowell…..Ana Gasteyer
John Barbary…..Tom Hanks
Mr. Peepers…..Chris Kattan

Jay Leno: And we are back, ladies and gentlemen. We’re talking to Andie MacDowell.. [ points to object hidden by cloth ] ..and, I guess, apparently, in a few minutes we’re gonna find out what this thing is. Andie, I read somewhere that you live on a farm?

Andie MacDowell: I live on a farm, there’s lots of animals..

Jay Leno: That’s terrific! Our next guest is a long-time buddy of “The Tonight Show”, who always beings wonderful creatures from the wild animal park in San Diego. Please welcome John Barbary! [ John Barbary walks out ] Alright, it’s good to see you, John!

John Barbary: It’s great to be here, Jay. It’s always a pleasure!

Jay Leno: Now, what have you brought this time – some of those African sapphire, you know they make me all, you know, gooey..

John Barbary: No, no.. not this time, Jay. I brought you something that is much, much more fascinating.

Jay Leno: Well, that’s a big bulge underneath that blanket, what have you got Dennis Rodman in there!

John Barbary: Oh, no, no. You’re too much, Jay! No, what I brought to you may very well be the missing link.

Jay Leno: Whoa, the missing link? What, is Tom Arnold here? [ rimshot ]

John Barbary: No, uh.. here, let me show him to you.. [ removes blanket to reveal a grotesque-looking man-like creature ] Jay, this is Mr. Peepers! Mr. Peepers is 17-years old, and he comes to us from the Amazon rainforest – so he might be just a little groggy right now.

Jay Leno: Right.. and as far as you know, there’s only one of these in captivity?

John Barbary: Oh, that’s right, Jay! That is correct! And believe me, if there was more than one of these little fellas, I’d be a busy bee! [ Mr. Peepers jumps on John and starts licking him ]

Jay Leno: Boy, I wish my wife Mavis would do that!

John Barbary: Let me tell you about my furry friend here. He has unusually thick hair – very coarse; he has, like a human, man-sized eyebrows; and he has impeccable grooming habits.

Jay Leno: I mean, I bet he’s cleaner than Courtney Love!

John Barbary: [ stands Mr. Peepers on the stool ] Mr. Peepers!

Jay Leno: Geez, does he do any tricks, or anything?

John Barbary: Now, I’m glad you asked me that, Jay. Mr. Peepers has a vocabulary of over 5,000 words! Why, he can even say your name, Jay. [ turns to Mr. Peepers, who is dancing atop the stool ] Mr. Peepers – say Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: There you go!

Jay Leno: [ not convinced ] No, no, no.. Mr. Peepers isn’t saying anything.

Mr. Peepers: Bak! Bak! Bak! [ stomps ]

Jay Leno: What is he doing now?

John Barbary: Oh, he’s just hungry. [ hands Mr. Peepers an apple – Peepers mows it down and spits the bites out machine-gun style ]

Jay Leno: Watch your fingers!

John Barbary: Don’t worry, Jay. Mr. Peepers would never bite me. Peepers and I have this great trusting relationship. You know, Jay, people come up to me and they say, “John, is Mr. Peepers more of a man or a monkey?” I tell them I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure – his heart is all human.

Mr. Peepers: Bak! Bak! Bak! [ stomps ]

Jay Leno: What does he want now?

John Barbary: Uh.. he’s still hungry.. No, Mr. Peepers! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No, Peepers! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No, Peepers! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ] No! [ Peepers sits and puts his hand in his mouth ] Oh, alright.. one last one. [ gives Mr. Peepers another apple ]

Jay Leno: We’re gonna have to go to a commercial now, ladies and gentlemen, but I’m..

[ Mr. Peepers runs amuck, jumping onto Jay’s desk, then flops on top of Andie MacDowell and begins to hump her ]

John Barbary: No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No!

[ scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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