Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 3
Home Security Decoys
Bill Tasker…..Mark McKinney
[ show Woman inside window, reading book in den ]
Bill Tasker V/O: You’re alone; and you’re vulnerable.[ quick pan to Bill Tasker standing in front of house ]
Bill Tasker: Hi. I’m Bill Tasker of National Home Security, Inc. The only thing that will stop a dangerous intruder from terrorizing you – is if another criminal is already doing the job. That’s why we developed Home Security Decoys.[ show Home Security Decoy of a man peering into the house ]
These life-sized and weather-resistant dummies tell criminals, “Hey! This house is taken!”
Now you can feel the comfort and safety of having a Home Securty Decoy nearby.
Statistics prove criminals like to strike while you sleep.[ show Elderly Woman jump up in bed; she gasps, thinking someone is in the room with her, but it’s just her knife-weilding Home Security Decoy ]
That’s why we developed the Home Bedroom Decoy.[ Edlerly Woman relaxes, casually falls back asleep ] [ show Home Security Decoys peeking out from under childrens’s bed ]
Finally, you can sleep in peace, while these versatile decoys watch over your loved ones and scare off intruders.[ show Woman inside shower ]
You made it through the night – and that’s important; but now you find yourself in the most vulnerable place of all – the shower. With a Home Decoy, you can rest assured that shadowy figure behind the curtain is your friend![ suddenly worried, Woman peeks out of shower to investigate funny sound, revealing a bloody cown Home Security Decoy; she smiles, and returns to her shower ]
So make the secure choice, and turn your fears into friends. With Home Security Decoys.
Announcer: Also available: new talking Home Decoy.
Talking Home Decoy: I’m gonna put my evil inside you!
Announcer: Available at Rickel, K-Mart, and other fine stores.