Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 3
The Heyward Foundation
John W. Heyward…..Bill Pullman
Announcer: A message from John W. Heyward, President of the Heyward Foundation.
John W. Heyward: Hello. I’m a very wealthy man. I’m worth billions, and always have been. But I haven’t always been a man with a conscience. Time was, I thought my money was all I needed to be happy. But all that changed one day when I came across.. [ holds up Bible ] ..this book. The Bible. And I saw where it said.. [ reads passage ] ..”It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” That passage changed my life. It moved me to start putting my riches towards a worthy cause. And that’s why I established the Heyward Foundation. The Heyward Foundation, For The Development Of A Way To Make It Easy For A Camel To Pass Through a Needle’s Eyes. I’m not going to Hell if my billions have anything to say about it! And I think they do. Let me show you..
[ enters a laboratory filled with scientists and camels ]
We’re doing God’s work here at the Heyward Foundation. First, scores of desperate Third World children brought me all these camels. And then I found all these cancer researchers, made them stop whatever it was they were doing, and devote their energies to trying to force these camels through needles, just like it says in the Bible. I know it sounds impossible, but we have made a lot of progress. We started small. We tried to cram a horse through a drinking straw. The result was pretty ugly and completely unsuccessful. But we learned a lot! [ stands in front of a big glass full of a strange-colored liquid ] Next, we tried pureeing a camel into a thin liquid, then pouring the camel through the eye of a needle. Sure enough, the liquid camel will pass through the needle. But.. we think that might be cheating. We’ve got our lawyers looking into it. But a liquid camel’s only part of it. I’ve also invested millions of dollars from my tobacco and pornography enterprises to build very large needles and very small camels. [ stands in front of a large needle and a miniature camel ] Unless I’ve completely missed the message of the Bible, somewhere in here is my ticket to Heaven.
Scientist: [ feeding miniature camel ] This is a new batch, Mr. Heyward! Aren’t they cute?
John W. Heyward: They’re cute.. just not small enough. Have them destroyed. [ addresses the camera again ] So, we’re working toward a beautiful future here at the Heyward Foundation. We dream of a day when camels pass willy-nilly through the eyes of needles, while billionaire industrialists like myself can look forward to an eternity spent in the pure white light of Heaven. Right, fellas?
John W. Heyward: And, if we can’t get the camel through the needle, we have another plan. We’re prepared to spend millions to get that part taken out of the Bible. Don’t worry about me!
Announcer: [ appears as SUPER ] The Heyward Foundation. Working really hard to get Mr. Heyward into Heaven.