Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 3
INT. AT&T HEADQUARTERS MORNING
[ The office section is filled with six female operators. All are wearing matching blazers, scarves, skirts, and headsets. In the foreground are JANICE and KELLEY; both seated side by side at a computer work station. ]
[ Janice and Kelley are engaged in cross-chatter. Both having grating voices. ]
Kelley: [ to headset ] I wouldnt recommend, but thanks for calling AT&T.
[ Both women look at each other and throw their hands up. ]
Kelley: [ to headset ] Thank you sir for using AT&T.
Janice: [ to headset ] No sir, still holding No sir, MCI doesnt offer a wide service like we do Well, thank you for calling AT&T.
[ Janice clicks a switch on her headset. ]
Janice: I havent gotten one all day.
Kelley: I tell you Janice, I have been on this headset for three whole hours and all I got is this man for a referral for a man in Wisconsin and hes not even home.
Janice: Well Kelley, I know youve been on vacation for the last three weeks, so it takes time to get back in the swing of things.
Kelley: It just doesnt feel Ive been on vacation. Oh! Ive got a call! [ to headset ] Hi! This is Kelley with AT&T!
Janice: [ to headset ] Kelley?
Kelley: [ to headset ] Hi.
Janice: [ to headset ] Its me!
Kelley: I cant believe you just did that!?
Janice: I just want to put you in a good mood.
Kelley: Thats the craziest thing you ever did do!
Janice: Well, youve got to keep your sense of humor when you work around here. Can I get you another cup of coffee?
Kelley: I dont want another cup of coffee! I could go for another Cheese Danish, though.
Janice: I think were all out, but let me go check with Karen in the back and see if we have anymore.
Kelley: Hey, hey, hey! Get me another toothpick while youre at it. If it gets stuck on my teeth once, its going to stick again.
Janice: I know where youre coming from.
[ Janice gets up and does a six-shooter routine with her hands and makes gun fire mouth sounds to Kelley. Kelley turns around and responds the same. Janice walks to the hallway near the back. ]
Janice: COULD I GET A COUPLE OF CHEESE DANISHES AND A TOOTHPICK!!!
[ Janice goes back to her seat. ]
Kelley: I dont know why you have to yell!
Janice: Well, you have to yell if you want to get anything done around here.
Kelley: You got that right, killer. [ to headset ] Hi! This is Kelley with AT&T. This is a direct line, sir. The only reason you use this is for direct line services. Well, thank you very much for using AT&T!!
Janice: Kelley, Ive been looking on my computer here and I havent had an international referral in over three weeks.
Kelley: Here I got two on my list.
Kelley: I got one for Tokyo and one for South Korea. I cant believe it!?
Janice: Janie in Section 14 once got a call from Greece the other day, I just about fell on the floor.
Kelley: I tell you, Im so excited! I think Im about to pee my pants!! I dont think Ill make it to the bathroom on time!
[ The ladies giggle and almost high-five but refrain. ]
Janice: [ to headset ] Hello? This is Janice with AT&T.
Kelley: Im going to go check on the Danishes.
[ Kelley gets up and does the same six-shooter routine to Janice, who follows suit. Kelley makes her way to the back hallway. ]
Kelley: WHY DO I GOT TO KEEP YELLING FOR A CHEESE DANISH!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BACK THERE, FOR GOD SAKES!?!?
[ Kelley back kicks the floor. ]
Janice: Would you stop yelling!? Im trying to help somebody with their long-distance service. Why dont you get yourself another cup of coffee? [ to headset ] Sir, thats forty percent off your —
Kelley: I dont want another cup of coffee. I want another Cheese Danish, Cheese Danish.
Janice: Well, youre just going to have to be patient [ to headset ] No sir, Im not talking to you. [ off headset ] Well, there you go. I just lost the best chance Ill have all day because you keep yelling Cheese Danish, Cheese Danish!!
[ Kelley mocks Janices mouth movements. ]
Kelley: Yada, yada, yada Im going to make one of my international calls. Im going to call Tokyo. [ to headset ] Konichiwa! This is your friend overseas — Kelley from AT&T. How are you doing today, sir? Hi, hi, hiya!
Janice: Im going to go check on those Cheese Danishes.
[ Both woman faintly scream at each other as Janice gets up and heads to the rear hallway. ]
Janice: WHERE THE HELL ARE THE DAMN CHEESE DANISHES!?!?!?
Kelley: [ to headset ] Im not yelling at you, sir. Why would I be mad at you, sir?
[ Kelley continues to speak in unintelligible Japanese as Janice returns to the desk. Kelley sighs and turns of her headset. ]
Kelley: Well, thank you very much. I just lost the call!
Janice: Im just so damn hungry! I want the Cheese Danish!
Kelley: Well, thank you very much.
Janice: You dont understand, if my blood sugar drops, I turn into the devil!
Kelley: I keep telling you — youre going to wipe yourself out wipe yourself out.
[ KAREN, wearing very similar clothing to Janice and Kelley, saunters in holding a tray of two Cheese Danishes. Her voice is far more intolerable than Janice or Kelley. ]
Karen: Are you the girls that wanted the Cheese Danishes?
Janice: Well, its about time.
Karen: Well, Im sorry you dont understand
[ Karen places the tray before the ladies. ]
Karen: I have to serve Cheese Danishes to this entire office. And if Im late, people start yelling, Where are my Cheese Danishes!?
[ Janice and Kelley cover their ears. ]
Karen: People dont understand theres a lot of people here and Im only one woman!!
[ Karen saunters to her exit backwards. Janice and Kelley uncover their ears. ]
Kelley: Shes got the most irritating voice.
Janice: I know where youre coming from.
Both: Hi! This is AT&T.
[ Camera zooms out as the house lights come on. The majority of the studio audience can be seen. The camera quickly pans to home base where Lenny Pickett and the SNL band are performing. ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs