SNL Transcripts: Bill Pullman: 10/19/96: The Quiet Storm


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 3

96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

The Quiet Storm

Chris “Champagne” Garnett…..Tim Meadows
Station Manager…..Bill Pullman
Caller…..Molly Shannon

[ open on couple dancing to the music played on radio program “The Quiet Storm” ] [ cut to DJ Chris “Champagne” Garnett performing “The Quiet Storm” live at the radio station ]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: That’s right. Tongiht is the night to make love to your woman. Hold her, and give her what only you can give her – your love. Alright. You’re with me, your DJ, Chris “Champagne” Garnett. So, grab your lady, hold her tight, and let her know it’s time to grind.. to.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]

Station Manager: [ enters booth ] Hey.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: We got a special treat, here on “The Quiet Storm”. I’ve been joined by our Station Manager Steve Jones. Welcome, Steve.

Station Manager: Can I, uh.. talk to you outside?

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Now, that’s alright, Steve. I don’t mind if my listeners hear. You see, we have a very special relationship, here on “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Now, tell us, Steve. What’s on your mind?

Station Manager: Well.. we’re gonna have to let you go.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ not hearing ] What’s that?

Station Manager: Uh.. look, Chris, I told you four times, change your playlist, and you haven’t, alright? And, I don’t need this crap!

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ still mellow ] Get the hell outta my face, punk! Son of a bitch, you can kiss my ass!

Station Manager: [ angry ] Alright, you got fifteen minutes left! Finish your shift, and then GET OUT!! You’re OUTTA HERE, you hear me! YOU’RE OUT!! [ exits booth ]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: That bastard fired me on the air. Damn. I am this close to punching a hole in the wall. Right now, let’s punch up some smooth grooves, on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Let’s check out Kool & The Gang. This is “Cherish”. [ turns song on ] Yeah. [ accidentally knocks his coffee cup over ] Oh! Oh, God. I just burned my hand with scalding, hot coffee. It’s starting to blister.. I’d better find some water to put on this white, hot, searing pain. Here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Right now, let’s take a dedication. Hello, Sweet Thang. You’re on “The Quiet Storm”. What’s your pleasure?

Caller: “Champagne”? It’s me.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Hey, what a surprise. It’s my fine lady, Cynthia. How you doing, lovely lady?

Caller: Look.. I have to tell you.. I’m seeing another man.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Who is he? I’ll kill him. I swear to God, I’ll kill him. On.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]

Caller: It’s Steve Jones, your Station Manager. I’m sorry! But it is over! [ hangs up ]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Well, it’s, uh.. 11:45. My life is a living hell. We’re listening to Kool & The Gang. And I am wearing the horns of a cuckold. We’re giving away free tickets to Frankie Beverly & Maze. And I have pure hate pulsing through my veins, here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] I am now holding a gun, here on “The Quiet Storm”. I will kill Steve Jones. Tonight, you will die like the pig that you are. Do you hear me, Steve Jones?

Station Manager: [ re-enters booth ] You’re gonna kill me? You don’t have the guts! Come on! Come on!

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ pointing gun ] People, you are about to hear the sounds of a man’s brains splatting against the wall. Here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]

Station Manager: [ fights “Champagne” for the gun ]Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ struggling ] Ohhh.. I’ll kill you..

[ cut to couple dancing, as “Champagne” and Station Manager are heard struggling for the gun. Suddenly, the gun goes off. ]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Oh, my God. I’ve just killed a man. No. I was mistaken. He’s killed me. I’m about to die. And I’m.. dead. I.. am.. dead.. I am no longer living. I am dead. I can’t talk anymore, because I’m.. dead. On.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ thunder sound effect plays again ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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