Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 3
96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition
The Quiet Storm
Chris “Champagne” Garnett…..Tim Meadows
Station Manager…..Bill Pullman
Caller…..Molly Shannon
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: That’s right. Tongiht is the night to make love to your woman. Hold her, and give her what only you can give her – your love. Alright. You’re with me, your DJ, Chris “Champagne” Garnett. So, grab your lady, hold her tight, and let her know it’s time to grind.. to.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]
Station Manager: [ enters booth ] Hey.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: We got a special treat, here on “The Quiet Storm”. I’ve been joined by our Station Manager Steve Jones. Welcome, Steve.
Station Manager: Can I, uh.. talk to you outside?
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Now, that’s alright, Steve. I don’t mind if my listeners hear. You see, we have a very special relationship, here on “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Now, tell us, Steve. What’s on your mind?
Station Manager: Well.. we’re gonna have to let you go.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ not hearing ] What’s that?
Station Manager: Uh.. look, Chris, I told you four times, change your playlist, and you haven’t, alright? And, I don’t need this crap!
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ still mellow ] Get the hell outta my face, punk! Son of a bitch, you can kiss my ass!
Station Manager: [ angry ] Alright, you got fifteen minutes left! Finish your shift, and then GET OUT!! You’re OUTTA HERE, you hear me! YOU’RE OUT!! [ exits booth ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: That bastard fired me on the air. Damn. I am this close to punching a hole in the wall. Right now, let’s punch up some smooth grooves, on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Let’s check out Kool & The Gang. This is “Cherish”. [ turns song on ] Yeah. [ accidentally knocks his coffee cup over ] Oh! Oh, God. I just burned my hand with scalding, hot coffee. It’s starting to blister.. I’d better find some water to put on this white, hot, searing pain. Here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Right now, let’s take a dedication. Hello, Sweet Thang. You’re on “The Quiet Storm”. What’s your pleasure?
Caller: “Champagne”? It’s me.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Hey, what a surprise. It’s my fine lady, Cynthia. How you doing, lovely lady?
Caller: Look.. I have to tell you.. I’m seeing another man.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Who is he? I’ll kill him. I swear to God, I’ll kill him. On.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]
Caller: It’s Steve Jones, your Station Manager. I’m sorry! But it is over! [ hangs up ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Well, it’s, uh.. 11:45. My life is a living hell. We’re listening to Kool & The Gang. And I am wearing the horns of a cuckold. We’re giving away free tickets to Frankie Beverly & Maze. And I have pure hate pulsing through my veins, here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] I am now holding a gun, here on “The Quiet Storm”. I will kill Steve Jones. Tonight, you will die like the pig that you are. Do you hear me, Steve Jones?
Station Manager: [ re-enters booth ] You’re gonna kill me? You don’t have the guts! Come on! Come on!
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ pointing gun ] People, you are about to hear the sounds of a man’s brains splatting against the wall. Here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]
Station Manager: [ fights “Champagne” for the gun ]Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ struggling ] Ohhh.. I’ll kill you..
[ cut to couple dancing, as “Champagne” and Station Manager are heard struggling for the gun. Suddenly, the gun goes off. ]Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Oh, my God. I’ve just killed a man. No. I was mistaken. He’s killed me. I’m about to die. And I’m.. dead. I.. am.. dead.. I am no longer living. I am dead. I can’t talk anymore, because I’m.. dead. On.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ thunder sound effect plays again ] [ fade to black ]
