Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 3
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald.[Wild cheers and applause]
Norm MacDonald: Hello, I’m Norm MacDonald and now thefake news.[Image of American flag. Caption: Decision96]Our top story tonight,according to a new CNN pollRepublican candidate Bob Dole now trails PresidentClinton by 15 points. A Dole campaign spokesman saysthat despite this numbers it is possible for them toreach their ultimate goal, to lose by 7 points.[Laughter] [Image of President Clinton and woman on the beach]
While jogging on San Diego this weekend PresidentClinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker whoshouted at him quote “You’re a draft-dodging,yellow-bellied liar, you’re a disgrace to the officeof the Presidency, to your gender and to this nation”and then added “I’m still gonna vote foryou”.[Laughter][Image of Robert Kardashian]
During a recent interview on 20/20 longtime O.J.Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believesSimpson may be guilty though he did add that had hebelieved O.J. was guilty at the time he never wouldhave agreed to hide his bloody clothes andknife.[Laughter][Image of book cover]
Well Jocelyn Elders new book “Jocelyn Elders M.D.”came out this week. I read it.[Norm makes masturbationgestures with his fist][Laughter] [Image of Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger]
This week London tabloids report that model Jerry Hallhas filed for divorce from Mick Jagger ending a 20year old relationship. Although I’m sure this is adifficult time for Mick you know, it must be kind ofexciting after 20 years now he finally gets a chanceto sleep with other women.[Laughter] [Image of Bob Dole]
Meanwhile Bob Dole brought his struggling presidentialcampaign to New Jersey, vowing in his words to proveYogi Berra was right when he said “It ain’t over tillit’s over”[Image of Yogi Berra] Reached for commentYogi Berra said “It’s over”.[Laughter]
Well, after a 15 year absence the New York Yankees areback in the World Series.[Cheers and applause]And somenew yorkers have come up with a novel way of snaggingthose hard-to-come-by tickets, murdering guys withtickets and stealing them.[Laughter]
Well, as I said the 1996 World Series will begintomorrow. Joining us tonight on Weekend Update withhis analysis of each team is baseball legend and adear, dear, dear friend of mine, please welcome hallof fame broadcaster, Harry Caray. Hi, Harry.[Harry Caray joins Norm at the Update desk. He’strembling, old,wild white hair, thick eyeglasses]
Harry Caray: Hi. Hi, everybody! Harry Caray here! Igot to tell you folks. Its gonna be one heck of aseries. These are 2 fantastic ball clubs withoutstanding pitching. You’ve got Andy Pettitte andDavid Cone for the Yankees and of course the Braveshave 24 game winner John Smoltz and Tommy Glavine.He’s always tough, Norm. These teams are so evenlymatched. Let’s start with the Yankees. They play inNew York City. Wow! What a town! This place iscrazy![Hoots and hollering]You people are nuts! I oncesaw an Armenian woman give birth to a baby in thesubway. Beautiful, beautiful 8 pound 3 ounce boy namedTanzu. He’s 11 now. We still keep in touch.
Norm MacDonald: OK, OK,well Harry what can you tell usabout Atlanta?
Harry Caray: Oh, Atlanta is a beautiful city. Manyconsider it the jewel of the south. You know, its inGeorgia.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that’s true Harry but hey, let’sgo back to the Braves and the Yankees, buddy.
Harry Caray: Norm, actually I’d like to give a quickshout out to Gail and Ron Anderson. They run AndersonHardware out in Waukegan, Illinois. They’re actuallyhere on vacation. They wanted me to say hi to theirbeautiful daughter Colleen who’s watching the store.Hey, Colleen!
Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry listen buddy let’s talkabout the lineups for both teams, huh?
Harry Caray: Hey, Norm. What about hose hot dogs theyserve in Yankee Stadium. Aren’t they delicious?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure, yeah.
Harry Caray: I love ’em so much I once ordered 12.
Norm MacDonald: 12 hot dogs?
Harry Caray: Yeah, I only ate 2. I don’t know what Iwas thinking. To this day I laugh at the idea that Ithought I could eat 12 hot dogs. You can’t do it,Norm. You can’t.
Norm MacDonald: No. I imagine not. Well, Harry I knowyou have to run but before you leave hey, let’s getyour prediction on who will win the World Series.
Harry Caray: Yankees in 6.[Wild cheers and screams]
Norm MacDonald: Wow! How about that?! That’s great,that’s great! So that’s your prediction, huh? Yankeesin 6?
Harry Caray: Or the Braves, Norm. You never know.That’s what makes baseball such a crazy game.
Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry Caray everybody. HarryCaray. Thank you for joining us, Harry.
Harry Caray: Thank you.[Shakes hands with Norm] [Cheers and applause]
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, glad to have you with us. Goodyou could drop by.[Harry Caray leaves] [Image of paper headline says “Kid-neglect hooker wasunder probe]
The New York Post reported last week that a prostitutecharged with leaving her 4 youngest children alone ina roach infested Brooklyn apartment had been underinvestigation for years as a negligent mother. What’smore apparently the woman was also a really lousyprostitute.[Laughter] [Image of a camel]
Last week a buyer in Oman paid $390,000 for a camel.The highest price ever paid for a camel. Even in themiddle east many are wondering why anyone would paythat much….[Norm looks over his shoulder to thecamel]Good God, that’s a sexy camel! That is a….takea look at this. I think is its eyes.[Image of a paper headline that says Virginia]
In Virginia,[laughter from previous joke]police arelooking for a stripper who stabbed a man for tellingher she was too fat to strip. Police warn that thewoman is armed and extremely fat.[Laughter] [Image of paper headline says “Di’s video ‘romp’revealed as hoax”]
In England, a much publicized videotape of a nakedPrincess Diana having sex with her lover Captain JamesHewitt has turned out to be a fake. But on the brightside its still a video of 2 naked people havingsex.[Laughter]
In Brunswick Maine, an outbreak of the deadly canineparvo virus has led to the local Human Society killingmany of its dogs. Gee, I wonder if the Humane Societywould kill off victims of canine parvo if instead ofdogs they were rich old white guys.[Silence. APPLAUD NOW flashes on the bottom of thescreen. Applause] [Image of Madonna]
And finally Weekend Update would like to congratulateMadonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl lastMonday. The baby weighed in at 6 pounds 9 ounces.Making it the fourth largest object ever to passthrough Madonna’s birth canal.[Laughs andgroans]Congratulations, Madonna! And that is it! Goodnight. Good News. Take care.[Cheers and applause] [Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald logo]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel