SNL Transcripts: Dana Carveyt: 10/26/96: Johnny Carson and Phil Donahue: The Retirement Years


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 4

96d: Dana Carvey / Dr. Dre

Johnny Carson and Phil Donahue: The Retirement Years

…..Dana Carvey
…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on Johnny Carson scavenging around his house, as Phil Donahue enters through the front door carrying a bag of golf clubs ]

Phil Donahue: Johnny, my dear good man, boy are you ready to go, or what?

Johnny Carson: Sure, Phil. As soon as I find my keys.

Phil Donahue: Well, did you check your pockets?

Johnny Carson: Well, that’s the first place I checked!

Phil Donahue: Well.. you looked in your pockets.. you looked everywhere?

Johnny Carson: Yes, I did.

Phil Donahue: Uh-huh. Well, how about the door? Could you have left them in the door? A lot of people do that.

Johnny Carson: You know, this is weird. This is weird, this is kind of wild. I had them a minute ago!

Phil Donahue: Now, you have a maid here all the time, don’t you?

Johnny Carson: Yes. That’s right.

Phil Donahue: Well, how about this: we go shoot a nice round of golf, you come back here, you knock on the door, and the maid.. lets you in!

Johnny Carson: Oh, it just.. it just makes me feel a little weird not having my keys. Um.. would you just, uh.. would you just give me a second?

Phil Donahue: Yes. Did you check your pants?

Johnny Carson: I told you I did!

Phil Donahue: [ sighs ] You know, every time I come over, it’s the.. same.. darn.. thing: “Oh, please, dear God, won’t someone help me find my keys?” But what about good ol’ Phil, who comes over to play a round of golf, and wait a minute, he misses tee-off because dear ol’ Johnny cannot find.. his keys!

Johnny Carson: Are you finished, old Blabber Mouth?

Phil Donahue: Okay, I am.

Johnny Carson: Alright.. alright.. I’m just gonna look in the garbage here. [ picks up garbage pail, roots through the garbage ]

Phil Donahue: What are you doing?

Johnny Carson: I’m looking for my keys. How many times have I got to tell you that?

Phil Donahue: You think you dropped your keys in the garbage?

Johnny Carson: No. But I may have thrown them out with something that had the keys in it!

Phil Donahue: You know what you need?

Johnny Carson: I swear to God, do not tell me again about that Key Caddy!

Phil Donahue: I’m telling you.. Marla got me one. Now, when I come home, I take my keys out of my pocket, I hang them up in the Key Caddy, God’s in his Heaven, all’s right with the world, and I always know where my keys are! [ taps endtable ]

Johnny Carson: That is soem weird, wild stuff! But, Phil, how does that help me find my keys?

Phil Donahue: Did you try retracing your steps?

Johnny Carson: What’s that? You say , um.. retrace? Well, that’s not a bad idea. Is that where you go back and try to remember where you were before? That’s, that’s terrific! Let’s see.. I was reading the National Enquirer over here.. and then I went over here and made some, made a little fruit punch.. [ pikcs up object ] And, uh.. oh! Here they are!

Phil Donahue: [ excited ] Oh, great! Let’s go! [ dashes for the door ]

Johnny Carson: Oh, wait a minute. This is my money clip.

Phil Donahue: Did you look in the chair?

Johnny Carson: No, I did not.

Phil Donahue: I’ll check the chair! [ starts digging through the chair ]

Johnny Carson: All righty..

Phil Donahue: Boy, I’ll tell you.. [ Johnny puts his hand in his pocket, accidentally discovering his keys where Phil told him to check ] You know what you need, I swear to God.. [ johnny tosses his keys into the garbage pail ] need one of those fake rocks you can put your keys in. You leave it out front, in the door, so every time I come over, we don’t have to..

Johnny Carson: Alright, alright.. I’ll tell you what? I’ll check the garbage just one more time, and then we’ll get out of here.

Phil Donahue: Oh, come on! They’re not in the garbage!

Johnny Carson: [ reaches into the pail ] Well, well, well.. what do we have here, keys in the garbage. What do you think about that, Smart Guy?

Phil Donahue: I’m sorry!

Johnny Carson: Don’t you feel like an idiot? Lieutenant Columbo, you are not!

Phil Donahue: Sorry!

Johnny Carson: Admit it! Admit it, MacGruff the Crime Dog, you were wrong!

Phil Donahue: Okay, let’s move on! [ exits the house ]

Johnny Carson: Frank Lloyd Wrong! [ exits house, closes door ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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