Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 4
Johnny Carson and Phil Donahue: The Retirement Years
[ open on Johnny Carson scavenging around his house, as Phil Donahue enters through the front door carrying a bag of golf clubs ]
Phil Donahue: Johnny, my dear good man, boy are you ready to go, or what?
Johnny Carson: Sure, Phil. As soon as I find my keys.
Phil Donahue: Well, did you check your pockets?
Johnny Carson: Well, that’s the first place I checked!
Phil Donahue: Well.. you looked in your pockets.. you looked everywhere?
Johnny Carson: Yes, I did.
Phil Donahue: Uh-huh. Well, how about the door? Could you have left them in the door? A lot of people do that.
Johnny Carson: You know, this is weird. This is weird, this is kind of wild. I had them a minute ago!
Phil Donahue: Now, you have a maid here all the time, don’t you?
Johnny Carson: Yes. That’s right.
Phil Donahue: Well, how about this: we go shoot a nice round of golf, you come back here, you knock on the door, and the maid.. lets you in!
Johnny Carson: Oh, it just.. it just makes me feel a little weird not having my keys. Um.. would you just, uh.. would you just give me a second?
Phil Donahue: Yes. Did you check your pants?
Johnny Carson: I told you I did!
Phil Donahue: [ sighs ] You know, every time I come over, it’s the.. same.. darn.. thing: “Oh, please, dear God, won’t someone help me find my keys?” But what about good ol’ Phil, who comes over to play a round of golf, and wait a minute, he misses tee-off because dear ol’ Johnny cannot find.. his keys!
Johnny Carson: Are you finished, old Blabber Mouth?
Phil Donahue: Okay, I am.
Johnny Carson: Alright.. alright.. I’m just gonna look in the garbage here. [ picks up garbage pail, roots through the garbage ]
Phil Donahue: What are you doing?
Johnny Carson: I’m looking for my keys. How many times have I got to tell you that?
Phil Donahue: You think you dropped your keys in the garbage?
Johnny Carson: No. But I may have thrown them out with something that had the keys in it!
Phil Donahue: You know what you need?
Johnny Carson: I swear to God, do not tell me again about that Key Caddy!
Phil Donahue: I’m telling you.. Marla got me one. Now, when I come home, I take my keys out of my pocket, I hang them up in the Key Caddy, God’s in his Heaven, all’s right with the world, and I always know where my keys are! [ taps endtable ]
Johnny Carson: That is soem weird, wild stuff! But, Phil, how does that help me find my keys?
Phil Donahue: Did you try retracing your steps?
Johnny Carson: What’s that? You say , um.. retrace? Well, that’s not a bad idea. Is that where you go back and try to remember where you were before? That’s, that’s terrific! Let’s see.. I was reading the National Enquirer over here.. and then I went over here and made some, made a little fruit punch.. [ pikcs up object ] And, uh.. oh! Here they are!
Phil Donahue: [ excited ] Oh, great! Let’s go! [ dashes for the door ]
Johnny Carson: Oh, wait a minute. This is my money clip.
Phil Donahue: Did you look in the chair?
Johnny Carson: No, I did not.
Phil Donahue: I’ll check the chair! [ starts digging through the chair ]
Johnny Carson: All righty..
Phil Donahue: Boy, I’ll tell you.. [ Johnny puts his hand in his pocket, accidentally discovering his keys where Phil told him to check ] You know what you need, I swear to God.. [ johnny tosses his keys into the garbage pail ] ..you need one of those fake rocks you can put your keys in. You leave it out front, in the door, so every time I come over, we don’t have to..
Johnny Carson: Alright, alright.. I’ll tell you what? I’ll check the garbage just one more time, and then we’ll get out of here.
Phil Donahue: Oh, come on! They’re not in the garbage!
Johnny Carson: [ reaches into the pail ] Well, well, well.. what do we have here, keys in the garbage. What do you think about that, Smart Guy?
Phil Donahue: I’m sorry!
Johnny Carson: Don’t you feel like an idiot? Lieutenant Columbo, you are not!
Phil Donahue: Sorry!
Johnny Carson: Admit it! Admit it, MacGruff the Crime Dog, you were wrong!
Phil Donahue: Okay, let’s move on! [ exits the house ]
Johnny Carson: Frank Lloyd Wrong! [ exits house, closes door ]
[ fade out ]