SNL Transcripts: Dana Carveyt: 10/26/96: Russell & Tate Law Firm


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 4

96d: Dana Carvey / Dr. Dre

Russell & Tate Law Firm

Russell…..Tim Meadows
Tate…..Tracy Morgan
Testimonial #1…..Jim Breuer
Husband…..Will Ferrell
Wife…..Ana Gasteyer
Testimonial #2…..Molly Shannon
Testimonial #3…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: If you’ve been injured on the job, or you are the victim of an accident, you may be entitled to a sizable cash settlement. No one knows this better than Russell and Tate.

Testimonial #1: Russell & Tate got me $27,000. And a newlease on life.

Russell: We’re gonna git yo’ money.

Tate: Damn straight!

Russell: You can bet your sweet ass we’ll git it!

Tate: No bull.

[ cut to Husband & Wife in their kitchen ]

Husband: We wer very concerned after the accident.

Wife: We didn’t know who to turn to, so we called Russell & Tate.

Husband: We got a lot of money. $150,000.

[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]

Tate: It’s like this: if somebody has your money, we’re gonna git it.

Russell: Thay can’t have your money!

Tate: That’s right. Unless they want a piece of Russell & Tate!

Russell: Oh, yeah!

[ Russell & Tate laugh, and clap their fists together ]

Testimonial #2: I called Russell & Tate, and told them I wantedmoney.

[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]

Russell: Your money is not their money!

Tate: No, it ain’t! You gotta get your money! They ain’t supposed to have it! So, we gonna git it, or I don’t know what.

Russell: Well, I do! [ they laugh ] Yeah, we gonna git it! You gotta understand – Tate, here, is one very mean brother with a degree from Harvard Law, and he will go crazy academic on your ass if you try to mess with somebody’s money!

Tate: Let me rap to them for a minute, Russell. Listen, y’all – you ain’t even seen the inside of Hell until Russell comes busting down on you with his big-ass experience as a former editor of the American Law Review!

[ cut to Testimonial #3 ]

Testimonial #3: When I first saw Russell & Tate, I knew that these guys would get me money. I mean, Russell Johnson was my law professor at Harvard, and Tate Witherspoon has argued hundreds of successful Supreme Court cases. Bottom line? They get you your money.

[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]

Tate: $200.. $300.. $2,000, it don’t matter, we gonna git it!

Russell: That’s right! $8,000.. $17,000.. $400,000, I don’t care – we gonna git it all! I wasn’t an expert witness in the Microsoft Anti-Trust Case, and a president of the New York Bar for six years so I could sit up on my ass and not get your money!

Tate: That’s right, Russell! And I didn’t bust my hump doing afederal judgeship, and all those appointments at the Congressional Committee so some bitch could steal your knot!

Russell: No diggity!

Tate: You know what I’m saying!

Russell: Oh, yeah, we gonna git your money!

Tate: Straight up!

Russell: Damn!

Tate: Damn!

Announcer: Russell & Tate. Attorneys At Law.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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