Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 4
Russell & Tate Law Firm
Testimonial #1…..Jim Breuer
Testimonial #2…..Molly Shannon
Testimonial #3…..Mark McKinney
Announcer: If you’ve been injured on the job, or you are the victim of an accident, you may be entitled to a sizable cash settlement. No one knows this better than Russell and Tate.
Testimonial #1: Russell & Tate got me $27,000. And a newlease on life.
Russell: We’re gonna git yo’ money.
Tate: Damn straight!
Russell: You can bet your sweet ass we’ll git it!
Tate: No bull.[ cut to Husband & Wife in their kitchen ]
Husband: We wer very concerned after the accident.
Wife: We didn’t know who to turn to, so we called Russell & Tate.
Husband: We got a lot of money. $150,000.[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]
Tate: It’s like this: if somebody has your money, we’re gonna git it.
Russell: Thay can’t have your money!
Tate: That’s right. Unless they want a piece of Russell & Tate!
Russell: Oh, yeah![ Russell & Tate laugh, and clap their fists together ]
Testimonial #2: I called Russell & Tate, and told them I wantedmoney.[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]
Russell: Your money is not their money!
Tate: No, it ain’t! You gotta get your money! They ain’t supposed to have it! So, we gonna git it, or I don’t know what.
Russell: Well, I do! [ they laugh ] Yeah, we gonna git it! You gotta understand – Tate, here, is one very mean brother with a degree from Harvard Law, and he will go crazy academic on your ass if you try to mess with somebody’s money!
Tate: Let me rap to them for a minute, Russell. Listen, y’all – you ain’t even seen the inside of Hell until Russell comes busting down on you with his big-ass experience as a former editor of the American Law Review![ cut to Testimonial #3 ]
Testimonial #3: When I first saw Russell & Tate, I knew that these guys would get me money. I mean, Russell Johnson was my law professor at Harvard, and Tate Witherspoon has argued hundreds of successful Supreme Court cases. Bottom line? They get you your money.[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]
Tate: $200.. $300.. $2,000, it don’t matter, we gonna git it!
Russell: That’s right! $8,000.. $17,000.. $400,000, I don’t care – we gonna git it all! I wasn’t an expert witness in the Microsoft Anti-Trust Case, and a president of the New York Bar for six years so I could sit up on my ass and not get your money!
Tate: That’s right, Russell! And I didn’t bust my hump doing afederal judgeship, and all those appointments at the Congressional Committee so some bitch could steal your knot!
Russell: No diggity!
Tate: You know what I’m saying!
Russell: Oh, yeah, we gonna git your money!
Tate: Straight up!
Announcer: Russell & Tate. Attorneys At Law.