Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 5
My Son, College Graduate
[ open on college graduation party coming to an end, as the guests exit the Gilmore apartment. Alone at last, Father turns to Son to express his sentiments. ]
Father: Son, Son.. I’m so proud of you! The first Gilmore to graduate from college! You don’t know how good that makes me feel, boy! [ hugs Son ]
Son: Thanks, Dad! I tell you, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me! I’m.. I’m ecstatic!
Father: Is something they teach you up there, in that fancy school? Ec-static! Oh, I guess you’re a college graduate, you gotta use big words now, huh! You can’t just be happy like the rest of us! Oh, “happy” don’t got enough letters in it for you! No, you ec-static!
Son: No, Dad, I wasn’t trying to show off. I’m really happy to graduate, and I’m really happy to be home, that’s all.
Father: [ smiling ] Son, you don’t know how good it makes me feel to hear a big word like that out of somebody in this family! [ hugs Son again ]
Son: Thanks, Dad. So, uh.. you want to watch some TV, or something? Catch the news?
Father: News! Oh, watch the news, huh? Is that something you learned about in that fancy college of yours? Oh, you watch the News now! You can’t watch the test pattern like the rest of the family now! No, that’s right, you a scholar! Right? You gotta watch the News, keep up on current events and stuff! Mmm-mmm-mmm! Well, ex-cuuuuuse me!
Son: Come on, Dad, I’m not saying that! You act like somebody’s trying to call you ignorant, or something!
Father: Ignorant! Oh, I’m not dumb, no! Can’t be stupid, no! Can’t be a fool, no! Got to be ignorant! What’s wrong with fool, huh? I guess I’m four more letters than a fool, huh?
Son: Alright, Dad, look.. I’m sorry. You’re a fool, alright? You’re a fool.
Father: Oh, my Son! College graduate! Called me a fool! [ hugs Son ] You don’t know how good that makes me feel!
Son: So, you want something to drink? You fool?
Father: Don’t mind if I do! [ Son pours punch into a cup ] Look at my boy, a genius! Mr. Sigma Cum Laude! Using a glass! Wow! You know, you can’t use your hands like the rest of the family. No! You go to that big ol’ college! You got a college degree, so you gotta use a glass! Mmm-mmm-mmm![ phone rings ]
Son: [ picks up phone ] Hello?
Father: Whoaaaa! Picked up the phone!
Son: [ confused ] What?
Father: Where you learn that from, Boy!
Son: [ into phone ] Hold on..
Father: At your fancy college? Oh, you’re smarter than us! We didn’t know what the hell that thing was! Oh, we let it ring for years and years! Almost threw it in the fire!
Son: [ into phone ] Listen, I can’t talk right now, Sweetheart. I have to call you back. Okay, Sweetheart?
Father: Whoo! Sweetheart! Sweet–heart! That something you learned up in that fancy college? Oh, you can’t call her Baby! You know, Baby was good enough for your Momma!
Son: Look, Dad, why do you always do this to me? Every year since I’ve been going to college, whenever I come home, you always tell me how proud you are, and then you make me feel guilty! I mean, these are words you can find in a thesaurus, you know!
Father: [ angry ] THESAURUS?! Boy, you curse at me again, I’ll WHOOP your ASS!
Granddad: [ enters room ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! What’s going on in here? Now, Junior, don’t you talk to your Pappy like that!
Son: Alright, Granddad, you’re right. I’m sorry, Dad.
Father: Son, I’m sorry, too. [ hugs Son ] You don’t know.. it’s just, sometimes, I wish I had the same opportunities you had. you know? I didn’t go to no ol’ fancy schools, with the pens with all the ink in ’em! No, we didn’t have ink in our schools, no! And we didn’t have the fancy math, like you, you know? We didn’t have eights, you know? You know how hard it is to count your change without an eight?
Granddad: [ riled up ] Eight! Eight! Now, there you go, counting again! The rest of us around here are just trying to walk upright! At least you ain’t standing on fire! [ bends over punchbowl, scoops up punch in his hands and drinks ][ Father and Son stare at Granddad in bewilderment, as the scene closes ]