Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 5
Chris Rock’s Monologue
Chris Rock: What’s up! Good to be back – I live here! So, I guess it’s not good to be back. It’s good to be here – my alma mater. This is where it all started. You know, I’ve been doing a lot of things the last couple of years – doing commercials, L’il Penny, stand-up. What makes me the most happy is doing stand-up – you know, the road, going on tour, checking out America! There’s no more America! Remember when you were a kid, there’d by an America? You’d go see your Grandma, and go to her little town? There’s no more little towns – it’s all malls! And they’re all the same! The mall in St. Louis is the same mall in Detroit.. it’s got the same Gap, Banana Republic, Chess King, Sunglasses Hut, all the same crap! And every town’s got tow malls! They’ve got the white mall, and the mall white people used to go to. ‘Cause they’re ain’t nothing in the black mall! Nothing but sneakers and baby clothes!
So, we got a big election coming up. Who’s gonna win – Bill or Bob? Does it really matter? Is there anything you can’t do on Wednesday ’cause your guy didn’t win? “The A Train ain’t running – Dole won.” No! Nothing you can’t do. I like Clinton. You know why I like Clinton? Because he’s got real problems. No, he don’t got President problems, he’s got real problems, like you and me: he’s running out of money, his wife’s a pain in the ass, all his friends are gonig to jail.. I know Bill Clinton. I am Bil Clinton! And they’re always trying to get Clinton. It’s almost as if we have a black President! They second-guess everything he does. Really, you would think he’s black! And they’re always trying to get him with sexual harassment. Sexual harrassment! What is sexual harassment?! What’s the difference between sexual harrassment and just being an idiot? I mean, if my father didn’t harrass my mother, I wouldn’t be here! I mean, I understand some sexual harrassment.. if a man is your boss and says, “Hey, sleep with me, or you’re fired.” That’s sexual harrassment. And that’s the only thing that’s seual harrassment! Everything else falls under “Just trying to get laid.” You can’t put a man in jail for that! I don’t care how hard he tries, that’s all he was trying to do! Anita Hill started this whole thing. It’s all about looks, you know? Because if Clarence Thomas looked like Denzel Washington, this would have never happened! She’d be all, “Oh, stop it, Clarence, you nasty! Your fine self!” So, what’s sexual harrassment, when an ugly man wants some? “Oh, he ugly! Call the police! Call the authority!”
The other thing they’ve been trying to get Clinton on is gays in the military. Everybody’s all homophobic – “Ooh, don’t let him in..” Hey! If they want to fight, let ’em fight, ’cause I ain’t fighting! I wouldn’t care if I saw a Russian tank on Flatbush Avenue. I’m not fighting nobody! And everybody’s so homophobic – everybody in this room has at least a gay cousin! All of you, thinking about it right now. Some of you got gay daddies! I got a gay uncle – I call him “Aunt Tom”. I love my Aunt Tom. I know right now, if I was in a fight, Aunt Tom would come in here, take off his pumps and whoop some ass!
You want to vote for somebody that’s gonna change the world? You know what I mean? You don’t want to just waste your vote. Everybody talks about making taxes lower.. I don’t mind the taxes if they go to the right place, you know what I mean? It’s sad that your taxes don’t cover any medical. No medical! I think doctors make too much money. You know why? Because they don’t cure anything! Everything they cured, they cured 50 years ago! They ain’t cured nothing in a long time, man! Diseases are just piling up, man! You got cancer, and sickle cell.. Jerry’s Kids still limping around. Come on, man! Get rid of something! Some diseases they just gave up on! They just said “The hell with it!” You know, like blindness. If you go blind, they don’t got nothing for you! If you go to a doctor and tell him that you’re blind, they say, “Hey, why don’t you get this dog to drag your blind ass around?” What kind of cure is that?! Where’s the medicine? Where’s the science? “I’m blind! I can’t see!” There’s people that can see that can’t handle a dog! Come on, give me a midget, or something! Hey! We got a really great show tonight! The Wallflowers are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!