Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 5
The Dark Side with Nat X
Nat X…..Chris Rock
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Tori Spelling…..Cheri Oteri
Mike Tyson…..Tracy Morgan
Announcer: Live, from Compton, California, BET TV – that’s Black Entertainment Television – presents “The Dark Side with Nat X”. The only show on TV strictly for the brothers, written by a brother, produced by a brother, thats not a Wayans brother. Now, get ready for a man who’s so black, they counted him four times in the million man march. ‘Cause here comes Nat!
Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters. I’m Nat X, and welcome to “The Dark Side”, the only 15-minute show on TV. Why only 15 minutes? Cause if the man gave me any more, he would consider that welfare. And I think we all know who the man is. Im talkin about the man who said Sinbad makes bad movies, but then gave Greg Kinnear a three-picture deal. Im talkin about the same man who invented white-out. A tricky substance that only eliminates black letters.
So whats going on in the news today? Same thing every day: O.J. Black people too happy, white people too mad. I havent seen that many mad white people since they cancelled M.A.S.H. Everybody Hey look at all them black people too happy talkin about Look what we won! We won, we won! Hey – what we won? I aint get nothin yet! Every day Nat X look in his mailbox nothin in there. Where my O.J. prize? O.K.? Everybody talkin about its about race, its about race. Thats a bunch of crap. Its about fame. Cause if O.J. wasnt famous hed be in jail right now. Thats right — If O.J. drove a bus he wouldnt even be O.J. Hed be Orenthal the bus driving murder.
[ The White-Man Cam suddenly comes on, zooming in for a close-up of Nat, and placing the image of jailbars in front of him ]
OH! OH! Somebody call Johnny Cochran! Call Johnny Cochran!
[ White-Man Cam cameraman walks away ]
Whooooo! I havent had that much fun since I let Rick James braid my hair. Alright, alright. Time for the top 5. Why only 5? Cause the man wants to deprive me of 10.
Tonight the Top 5 reasons not to see Whoppi Goldbergs new movie The Associate: Reason number 5: Jumpin Jack Flash. Reason number 4: Burglar. Reason number 3: Sister Act 2. Reason number 2: Eddie. And the number one reason not see Whoopi Goldbergs new movie: Whoopis in it!
And thats the top 5 for tonight. Let me hurry up with the show before the man replaces me with a Dion Warwick infomercial. My first guest tonight is one of the leaders of the Democratic Party. Please welcome the Reverend Jesse Jackson. [Jesse Jackson enters to Rick Springfields Jesses Girl] Sit your Rainbow Coalition ass down. [Jackson sits] Now Jesse, Jesse, Jesse: 8 years ago you was almost President. Almost President! Now the last time I saw ya, youre playing a crackhead on New York Undercover. What the hell happened?
Jesse Jackson: Who can answer such a speculative question? Thats nearly becoming the position of the day. I only know that your last name…your last name X, is a symbol, of which all African Americans from old Mississippi preachers to the Yankee Stadium bleachers. From the topper down, not the bottom up. Gibbety gibbety. Rat-a-tat-tat. Im talkin about X. X as in great civil rights leader Malcom X. X as in 5-star Las Vegas hotel, Excalibur. X as in X-files, or the show Extra!, which is better than Inside Edition. X as in the movie Exorcist 3. X as in the band X, and not the Brand X. The X man, NightCrawler and Colossus. X as in Ill..take..Charlie..Weaver…to block!
Nat X: Are you out your mind Jessie? How about X as in excruciating to listen to. How about X as excuse yourself and exit off my show or Im a put my foot in your Xin behind! My next guest just starred in a TV movie of the week. Please welcome Tori Spelling. [Tori Spelling enters to the theme from Beverly Hills 90210] Sit your rich, white ass down. [Spelling sits]
Tori Spelling: Hi Nat! Its good to be here, how are you?
Nat X: Look, dont come here a kissin my behind. The only reason youre here is cause your daddy paid me, O.K.? Now I saw your movie of the week.
Tori Spelling: Oh thanks, did you like it?
Nat X: Did I like it? Let me put it this way: Ive seen better actin in a [bleepin] whorehouse! Alright? Ive seen better actin in tough actin Tinactin.
Tori Spelling: Well well, so whats with your Afro? You look, you look like Dwayne from Whats Happening!!!
Nat X: Dont you talk about Hayward Nelson. All right Cracker Girl, Ill tell you whats happenin. Hey – this aint Beverly Hills 9021-HO! Youre gonna shut up. Get – Scoot over! [Spelling moves over 1 seat] Yeah. Now my next guest is the heavyweight champion of the world, please welcome Iron Mike Tyson. [Mike Tyson enters] Sit your convicted felon ass down. [Tyson sits]
Mike Tyson: [High-pitched voice] [Unintelligible] Nat, its an honor to make your acquaintance.
Nat X: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just got one thing to say: keep your hands off the white girl. Youre gonna get us all killed in here. Now Mike uh I understand youre fightin Evander Holyfield next week. Any predictions?
Mike Tyson: Actually Nat, Ive been doing a considerable amount of self-reflection in an attempt to achieve inner peace for myself. You know what Im sayin. You know what I mean? Any individual I fight will be in for a considerable amount of cranium damage. You know what Im sayin. You know what I mean?
Nat X: Mike, nobody knows what the hell youre saying!
Mike Tyson: Dont make me unleash a pummeling on you Nat.
Nat X: Oh, you gonna hit me? Hey I aint no Mitch Blood Green now. Hey – Ill beat your ass so bad youll be the only guy in heaven with a wheelchair. All right we got to go right now, but tune in next week when my guest will be Gene Gene the Dancing Machine! from the Gong Show. Peace! Take care.
Announcer: Guests of the Dark Side stay at Rikers Island.
[ fade out ]
Submitted by: Diamond Jim