Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 5
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Announcer: Weekend Update with Norm Macdonald.
[Wild cheers and applause]
[Norm is surprised at the crowd’s reaction]
Norm Macdonald: What a crowd. Oh, my Lord! Thank you.I’m Norm Macdonald. Now the fake news. Our top storytonight:
[Image of Bill Clinton and Bob DoleCaption:Decision 96] yesterday in a dramatic finish tohis White House bid Bob Dole began a 96 hour, 15state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him rightthrough Election day. Political experts are callingthe grueling marathon a quote:” last ditch effort”.While medical experts are calling it quote:”a suicideattempt”.
[image of Bob Dole] At a rally in California this week, Dole urged votersto ignore polls which have him trailing PresidentClinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked toignore newspapers headlines next Wednesday that say”Dole loses in a landslide”.
[image of Asian man] Meanwhile a new development in the case of John Wuang,the mysterious Indonesian acussed of illegally raisingmillions for the Democratic Party. Earlier this week,Secret Service logs show that Mr. Wuang had visitedClinton’s White House more than 60 times. But onFriday, an administration spokesman revealed thatthere are actually two John Wuangs. Furthermore, theystressed that the John Wuang who visited the WhiteHouse is a different man. He isn’t the fundraiser. Heis the guy that killed Vince Foster.
[image of Mayor Giuliani waving with the Yankees in aparade] Well, the New York Yankees are the 1996 World SeriesChamps [wild cheering] and this week 3 million Yankeefans gather on the streets of New York to honor theirheroes. While their fans were of different ages, racesand religions they shared one thing in common. Theywere all standing in urine.
A giant ticket tape parade left nearly 4 tons ofconfetti on Manhattan streets and sidewalks but NewYork officials do have a plan for dealing with theconfetti. Leaving it there to soak up all the urine. [image of fat dude]
At an emotional press conference this week a nowexonerated Richard Jewell spoke of his ordeal as thechief suspect in the Olympic Park bombing. Quote:”Icouldn’t think straight, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’teat” he said. Then later he admitted “All right, Icould eat. I couldn’t sleep though, I had trouble…”
[Caption: Business News] In business news, a British company has announced itsintention to purchase telecommunications giant MCI.This after MCI called the British company owner athome 5,000 times.
Ballots will be mailed out next week in the electionfor President of the teamster’s union. With incumbentJohn Kerry squaring off against Jimmy Hoffa Jr. Hoffais eager in following his father’s footsteps exceptthat last footstep where he dissapeared forever.[Normexplains] That’s the last footstep he wants to avoid,just that last one. Otherwise he will….ok.
[image of JFK jr and Caroline Besset] Now that John Kennedy Jr. is a married man, who is theworld’s most eligible bachelor? Well, when reportersasked JFK jr. himself who he thinks is the world’smost eligible bachelor he said:”Actually,[whisper]it’s still me”.
[image of Disneyland] A French goverment survey finds that Disneyland Parisis the most popular tourist attraction in the country.And the most popular ride? “Women who don’t shavetheir armpits of the Carri-be-an”. There’s 2ways–there’s 2 ways to pronounce that and I gotneither.
[image of O.J. Simpson] At the Simpson civil trial this week, O.J. and FredGoldman got into an explosive shouting match. Mr.Goldman belted at O.J. “Don’t give me that damn look”.While O.J. shouted back: “I wasn’t even looking atyou. You’re just mad cause I killed your son”.
[image of elderly reporter Mike Wallace] In the December issue of Playboy 60 Minutes reporterMike Wallace revealed that he has not only smokedmarijuana but that it made him sexually aroused.According to Wallace he made this comments in aneffort to frighten young people off of sex and drugsforever.
[image of paper headline “Dole: I’m strong enough tohandle the pain of losing”.] In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strongenough to endure the pain of losing the PresidentialElection. Although he did admit that the shock ofwinning will give him a giant heart attack.
In Detroit under a new prison rehabilitation programcalled “Fresh Start”, employers will get a tax breakif they hire and ex-convict. Employers who hire morethan one ex-convict will get robbed and killed.
[image of Economic Report charts] In economic news, unemployment figures rose slightlyfor the month of October with decline in the Dow Jonesand Nasdaq. The reason for the sudden downturn? Youguessed it. Frank Stallone. [photo of Frank Stallone]
[Newspaper headline: Kurt Freund dies at 82. StudiedDeviant Sexual Arousal] Fianlly, psychiatrist Kurt Freund, one of the world’sleading experts on the study of deviant sexual arousalpassed away at the age of 82. Dr. Freund last wordswere quote: “Whatever happens to me, can someoneplease make sure that the headline of my obituarydoesn’t contain the phrase Deviant Sexual Arousal?[Norm keeps milking the joke] Would that be to much toask from ya’? Ya’ dirty bastards. Can you just…. ok.And that’s it. Hey, vote for Bob Dole. Thanks folks.Good night.
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel