Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 6
96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple
The Streets of L.A.
1st Cop … Norm MacDonald
2nd Cop … Robert Downey, Jr.
Announcer: The Streets of L.A. Tonight’s episode: “Teafor the Tillerman.”
[After a hokey opening montage parodying such 1970scop shows as “Starsky and Hutch” we dissolve to theinterior of an apartment. A bullet shoots through thelock on the door. Two plainclothes cops, with shaggyhair and shirts with wide lapels, bust into the room,guns drawn.]
1st Cop: Put your hands up!
2nd Cop: Somebody’s gonna get booked!
1st Cop: It’s Book-of-the-Month Club time!
[But the room is empty, the suspect having fled out anopen window.]
2nd Cop: He got away.
1st Cop: Well, I think he’ll be back.
2nd Cop: And why’s that?
1st Cop: He forgot something.
2nd Cop: Well, what is it?
1st Cop: Smack. [holds up a plastic bag] Man, can you imagine someone so messed up they need this crap to get through the day?
2nd Cop: No, I can’t. [takes the bag] People who playwith this junk make me sick. They’re the scum of theearth.
1st Cop: Yeah, they sure are.
2nd Cop: Anyone who would use this drug should berounded up and caged like an animal. It’s trash likethis that’s ruining this country.
1st Cop: Well, let’s get back to the station.
2nd Cop: I’m not done yet. If I could lock up everyjunkie in this great country of ours, I’d be thehappiest man on earth. Drug users are bad. Period.Don’t ever be sympathetic to them.
1st Cop: Okay, well, I won’t be.
2nd Cop: Even if they do put themselves into rehab andare honestly committed to quitting, you stillshouldn’t forgive them. And don’t buy into that”I-can’t-help-it-it’s-a-sickness” crap. Drugs arealways wrong. They are the worst thing on the face ofthe earth.
1st Cop: Hey, go easy, Wade. This kid probably had arough break in life. He comes from a poorneighborhood.
2nd Cop: No, I betcha he was a rich kid, hadeverything handed to him. You know what? It doesn’tmatter if the user is a plumber, a lawyer, or a hotshot actor who’s been nominated for an Academy Awardfor playing Charlie Chaplin.
1st Cop: What the hell are you talking about, Wade? Wenever busted nobody like that.
2nd Cop: Well, we should have. ‘Cause in my book, ifyou do drugs, you go to jail, and you stay there. Youdon’t go to a cushy rehab center and take a week offto fly to New York and host a comedy show.
1st Cop: Hey, uh, maybe you should lay down in the squad car.
2nd Cop: God, man, it really burns me. Just becausesome punk got a few good reviews for the movie LessThan Zero. That doesn’t mean he gets a free pass,not on my beat. Although I must say, it was a damngood film. Also, the films Only You and AirAmerica were extremely underrated.
1st Cop: Well, I’ll just see you back at the station.
2nd Cop: So, when it comes to drug dealers, I give noquarter. I don’t care if your name is Dick, Joe, orLobert Growney Lunior. You just don’t do drugs. Noexcuses. Even if, from what I hear, heroin makes theuser feel as if he’s laying on a marshmallow made ofsatin while God’s massaging his temples with gentlefingers and suddenly everything makes sense and allthe ugliness goes away.
1st Cop: Well, we really should get going.
2nd Cop: Sure, I’ll be right down. I’m just going totake this horribly addictive drug into the toilet andflush it down it.
1st Cop: Oh, no, no, no. We need to take it to the laband analyze it.
2nd Cop: No, you go down to the squad car. I’ll bedown in about an hour.
1st Cop: No, no, give me that. [takes the bag]
2nd Cop: What? Oh…
1st Cop: Come on, let’s roll.
2nd Cop: That’s right. We’ve got to go clean up the streets of L.A.
Submitted Anonymously
