SNL Transcripts: Robert Downey, Jr.: 11/16/96: The Streets of L.A.


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

The Streets of L.A.

1st Cop … Norm MacDonald
2nd Cop … Robert Downey, Jr.

Announcer: The Streets of L.A. Tonight’s episode: “Teafor the Tillerman.”

[After a hokey opening montage parodying such 1970scop shows as “Starsky and Hutch” we dissolve to theinterior of an apartment. A bullet shoots through thelock on the door. Two plainclothes cops, with shaggyhair and shirts with wide lapels, bust into the room,guns drawn.]

1st Cop: Put your hands up!

2nd Cop: Somebody’s gonna get booked!

1st Cop: It’s Book-of-the-Month Club time!

[But the room is empty, the suspect having fled out anopen window.]

2nd Cop: He got away.

1st Cop: Well, I think he’ll be back.

2nd Cop: And why’s that?

1st Cop: He forgot something.

2nd Cop: Well, what is it?

1st Cop: Smack. [holds up a plastic bag] Man, can you imagine someone so messed up they need this crap to get through the day?

2nd Cop: No, I can’t. [takes the bag] People who playwith this junk make me sick. They’re the scum of theearth.

1st Cop: Yeah, they sure are.

2nd Cop: Anyone who would use this drug should berounded up and caged like an animal. It’s trash likethis that’s ruining this country.

1st Cop: Well, let’s get back to the station.

2nd Cop: I’m not done yet. If I could lock up everyjunkie in this great country of ours, I’d be thehappiest man on earth. Drug users are bad. Period.Don’t ever be sympathetic to them.

1st Cop: Okay, well, I won’t be.

2nd Cop: Even if they do put themselves into rehab andare honestly committed to quitting, you stillshouldn’t forgive them. And don’t buy into that”I-can’t-help-it-it’s-a-sickness” crap. Drugs arealways wrong. They are the worst thing on the face ofthe earth.

1st Cop: Hey, go easy, Wade. This kid probably had arough break in life. He comes from a poorneighborhood.

2nd Cop: No, I betcha he was a rich kid, hadeverything handed to him. You know what? It doesn’tmatter if the user is a plumber, a lawyer, or a hotshot actor who’s been nominated for an Academy Awardfor playing Charlie Chaplin.

1st Cop: What the hell are you talking about, Wade? Wenever busted nobody like that.

2nd Cop: Well, we should have. ‘Cause in my book, ifyou do drugs, you go to jail, and you stay there. Youdon’t go to a cushy rehab center and take a week offto fly to New York and host a comedy show.

1st Cop: Hey, uh, maybe you should lay down in the squad car.

2nd Cop: God, man, it really burns me. Just becausesome punk got a few good reviews for the movie LessThan Zero. That doesn’t mean he gets a free pass,not on my beat. Although I must say, it was a damngood film. Also, the films Only You and AirAmerica were extremely underrated.

1st Cop: Well, I’ll just see you back at the station.

2nd Cop: So, when it comes to drug dealers, I give noquarter. I don’t care if your name is Dick, Joe, orLobert Growney Lunior. You just don’t do drugs. Noexcuses. Even if, from what I hear, heroin makes theuser feel as if he’s laying on a marshmallow made ofsatin while God’s massaging his temples with gentlefingers and suddenly everything makes sense and allthe ugliness goes away.

1st Cop: Well, we really should get going.

2nd Cop: Sure, I’ll be right down. I’m just going totake this horribly addictive drug into the toilet andflush it down it.

1st Cop: Oh, no, no, no. We need to take it to the laband analyze it.

2nd Cop: No, you go down to the squad car. I’ll bedown in about an hour.

1st Cop: No, no, give me that. [takes the bag]

2nd Cop: What? Oh…

1st Cop: Come on, let’s roll.

2nd Cop: That’s right. We’ve got to go clean up the streets of L.A.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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