SNL Transcripts: Robert Downey, Jr.: 11/16/96: Shopping At Home Network


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6




96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Shopping At Home Network

Don West…..Will Ferrell
Eddie Lewis…..Chris Kattan
Ron…..Robert Downey, Jr.

[ open on Don and Eddie working the Shop At Home Network broadcast ]

Don West: Alright, we’re back here at Shop At Home Network! Don West here, with my partner Eddie Lewis.

Eddie Lewis: We’ve been selling things like crazy today! It has been a madhouse here at Shop At Home!

Don West: It certainly has! Hey, Ron! What have we got here next?!

Eddie Lewis: What we’ve got here, Ron?!

[ Ron enters ]

Ron: Well, folks.. if you are a Shaquille O’Neal fan.. and you are looking for the ultimate Shaquille O’Neal collectible, then you are looking at an incredible deal!

Eddie Lewis: Alright, let me get this straight! Now.. this is a.. Shaq.. Plaque! Is that right?

Ron: That is right!

Don West: Before we go on, I gotta ask you a question! You got a Shaq Plaque here.. with eight collectible cards, all mounted in mint condition – keep in mind, on the plaque!

Eddie Lewis: [ casually points to a Shaq poster on the wall ] Hold on a second here.. what is this over here..?

Don West: I don’t know what you’re doing there, Eddie..

Eddie Lewis: Is that a poster of.. Shaq?!

Ron: Oh yes, it is.

Don West: That’s not included, is it?!

Ron: It.. absolutely.. is!

Eddie Lewis: [ aghast at the thought ] Hold on!! He’s flying through the cloud!

Don West: [ freaking out at Ron’s audacity ] You can’t include that!!

Ron: I am including it!

Eddie Lewis: Now, this was never discussed!!

Don West: We’re giving away way too much here!!

Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second!! What’s the price on this?!

Ron: This is a $600 value.. I’m gonna sell it $99.95.

Eddie Lewis: What?!!

Don West: What?!!

Eddie Lewis: You can’t do that!!

Don West: Wait a second!! What you’re saying – the Shaq Plaque.. plus the poster!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah, hold on!! H-he’s flying through the air!! He is not on the court!!

Ron: I know! It’s crazy! The man can’t fly! It is Shaq! and it’s $99.95.

Don West: You can’t do this!!

Eddie Lewis: Get out of here!! Get him out of here!!

Don West: You get out!! [ Ron is shoved off the set ] This is a deal we did not want to happen!

Eddie Lewis: It’s too late! Folks! You got the number on your screen – 1-800-555-0123.. [ the phones begin to ring like crazy ] If you’re having trouble getting through on the phone, keep trying!!

Don West: We are so backed up with calls-

Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second.. wait a second.. [ touching the cards on the plaque ] You can’t remove these cards from the plaque, can you?

Don West: No, you can’t! There is no way!

Eddie Lewis: You can’t remove the cards..?

Don West: There is no way you can rmeove the cards..

Eddie Lewis: Hold on here.. uh.. [ casually removes one of the cards from the plaque ] I-I just took the card off the plaque.

Don West: [ outraged like a sonofabitch ] WHAT?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.

Don West: WHAT?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.

Don West: You mean you can take the Shaq cards off the Shaq Plaque if you want to?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.. you can take the cards off..

Don West: This is TOO much!!

Eddie Lewis: [ nearly speechless ] The phones are ringing.. I can’t stop the phones!! The cards can ome off!

Don West: The poster’s STILL here, folks!

Eddie Lewis: Shaq’s still in the air, he’s flying over there!!

Don West: Ron, how many do we have left?!

[ Ron re-enters the set ]

Ron: You’re not gonna believe this.. we’ve got about four left.

Don West: GET OUT OF HERE!!

Eddie Lewis: GET OUT!!

Don West: GET OUT!!

[ Ron is shoved off the set ]

Eddie Lewis: The phones are ringing!!

Don West: I’m going out of my mind!!

Eddie Lewis: I think I’m gonna have a heart attack right here!!

Don West: Eddie, you’re not gonna believe this – Kirk Cameron just called.. and he even can’t get through!!

Eddie Lewis: Folks, we’re talking.. Kirk.. Cameron.. here! Kirk! I’m having a heart attack..!!

Don West: I’m going out of my MIND!!

Eddie Lewis: Tell you what – I’m gonna make this all easy on us! [ holds a gun to his head ] I’m gonna shoot myself in the head, because I cannot TAKE THIS MADNESS!!

Don West: Folks, this is no joke! That gun he’s holding – can we get a CLOSE-UP of this shot?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah! We’re gonna go to that view!

[ cut to close-up of Eddie pointing the gun to his head ]

Don West: This is from the “Dirty Harry” Collectible Series.. it does not fire, but he will find a way to make it work!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah! If Shaq can fly, I will kill myself WITH this replcia gun!! Which we’ll be selling later this half-hour! Now, Ronnie! How many plaques do have left?!!

Don West: We’ve got about three left.

Eddie Lewis: YOU GET OUTTA HERE!!

Don West: GET OUTTA HERE!!

Eddie Lewis: GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!

Don West: The phones are ringing, folks!

Eddie Lewis: Can you stop them by chance, so I don’t have to kill myself?!!

Don West: Hey, I’d hate to lose you, buddy, but I can’t do a thing..

Eddie Lewis: MY GOD!!

Don West: This poster’s still included!!

Eddie Lewis: He’s still flying through the air!!

[ Ron casually re-enters scene with soem news ]

Ron: Just sold the last Shaq Plaque.

[ phones stop ringing, as everything turns back to normal ]

Don West: And.. they’re gone.

Eddie Lewis: They’re gone. [ drops the gun ]

Don West: Okay.

Eddie Lewis: Moving on.. what do we have next, Ronnie?

Don West: What have we got, Ronnie? Whoa!

Ron: We’ve got a.. limited-edition.. “Star Wars” Collector Plates series, coming up!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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