Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 6
96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple
Spartan Cheerleaders
Arianna … Cheri Oteri
Craig … Will Ferrel
Dawson … Robert Downey, Jr.
Arianna: Craig, it’s the bowling team’s firstbig tournament of the season and we’re late!
Craig: Arianna, I can’t burn rubber on alearner’s permit. Especially in my dad’s DodgeDuster.
Arianna: Well, Sammy Hagar can’t drivefifty-five, he’s gotta go faster. Why can’t you?
Craig: Sammy Hagar got kicked out of VanHalen.
Arianna: You’re right. Safety first.
Craig: [looking toward the lanes] Oh! Dawson’sabout to pick up a spare.
Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us.
Craig: Let’s do it!
[They rise and go into a cheerleading routine:]Both: Hey Skippy!
Your lane is made of peanut butter
‘Cause all of your balls are stuck in the gutter!
The Spartans show you how to bowl
Like Ike and Tina, we’ve got soul!
Bowling – Woo!
Bowling – Woo!
Bowling down the river
Doo doo doo doo doo doo!
Woo doo doo doo!
Woo doo doo doo!
Bowling down the river!
Stop spousal abuse!
Arianna: Craig, did you watch Party ofFive last night?
Craig: No, it conflicts with my Nick at NiteMork and Mindy reruns. Oh! I found a great pairof rainbow suspenders to wear to the Mork and Mindyfantasy convention.
Arianna: You know, some people say I look likePam Dawber.
Craig: Pam Dawber wishes. Nanu nanu. Uh oh.Alexis alert, lane seven.
[Arianna stands and converses with her off screenclassmate.]Arianna: Hi, Alexis. What’s with the dirtylook? Yeah, these are your bowling shoes. No, I don’thave to take them off. Because you are not the boss ofme! [repeats several times, Craig stands up] Why don’tI buy you a Fresca so you can wash down your selfishpill? … I’m sorry, too. Call me!
[Craig and Arianna sit.]Arianna: Dawson’s ball is spinning like aTasmanian devil!
Craig: He delivers a strike! We’re back in thegame.
[They rise and go into another cheerleading routine:]Both: Yeee haw!
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do, yes we do.
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do, yes we do.
We got spirit in our britches
And it really, really itches.
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do.
Flame it, flame it
Funky jam it
Shake it, bake it
Country ham it!
Craig: The Spartans are cookin’!
Arianna: And I helped!
[They both sit.]Craig: Arianna, you’ve got a piece oflint.
Arianna: Oh, could you get it for me?
[Craig pulls a white sock out of her collar.]Craig: [horrified] Oh, my God! Oh, my–Arianna, you’re stuffing your sports bra! Why?
Arianna: [distressed] Craig, please don’t judgeme. It’s just that I’m hot for Dawson — but he’stotally hot for girls who are a C cup or more.
Craig: It’s what’s in here [points to herhead], not what’s out here. [points to her chest]What’s up here, [points to her head] not down there.[points to her chest]
Arianna: Oh God, Craig, I feel like theTitanic, I’ve sunk so low.
Craig: Hey, sock it to me.
Arianna: Aw, Craig.
[Arianna pulls out the other sock and hands it toCraig.]Craig: Oh, Dawson.
Arianna: Dawson!
[Craig and Arianna rise to greet Dawson who enters inbowling attire.]Dawson: What are you two doing here? Arianna,you look different. What’s wrong?
Craig: It’s not what’s wrong. It’s what’sright.
Arianna: Yeah, Dawson. My name’s Arianna, not”aureola.” Look here [points to her head], not here.[points to her chest] Here, [points to her head] nothere. [points to her chest]
Dawson: Uh huh. Hey, uh, why don’t you giveback that sweater to a girl who can fill itout?
Arianna: Craig!
Craig: You take that back! Take thatback!
[Craig and Arianna attack Dawson, grabbing him andbeating him up.]Dawson: Take what back?
Craig: Hey, what’s an “aureola”?
Dawson: It’s a colored ring, sometimes calledthe vasicola postule.
Arianna: More commonly known as thenipple.
[Dawson starts to cry. Craig and Arianna stop roughinghim up.]Craig: I’m sorry, Dawson. I guess I didn’trealize my own strength.
Dawson: Don’t worry, Craig. You punch like mylittle sister. I’m crying because I am ashamed ofmyself.
Arianna: What gives, Dawson?
Dawson: I do respect the female in all hersplendor, but my dad encourages me to be macho, achauvinist if you will. He’s on his third wife andhe’s very hairy.
Craig: [sympathetically] I’ve got backhair.
Dawson: I’d never tell my dad this but I evenwanted to be a Spartan cheerleader.
Arianna and Craig: [sadly] So did we.
Dawson: Arianna, I’m sorry for what I’ve said.You’ve got it going on, girl.
[Craig and Arianna exchange happy glances.]Arianna: Hey! Who’s that Spartan respectingme?
Dawson: It’s me.
Craig: And me.
Arianna: Hey guys, check me out. Looks likeI’ve got a great pair of–
Craig and Dawson: Huh?!
Arianna: — friends.
Craig and Dawson: Ohhh.
Dawson: Oh, hey, I gotta run, you guys.
Arianna: Where you going, Dawson?
Dawson: I’m going to tell my dad to cancel myPenthouse subscription. From now on I’m going to startthinking from here, [points to his head] not here.[points to his crotch] Here, [points to his head] nothere. [points to his crotch, exits]
Arianna: Bye, Dawson!
Craig: Looks like Dawson bowled a perfectten.
Arianna: Hey, that reminds me of a joke. Knock,knock.
Craig: Who’s there?
Arianna: The perfect cheer!
[Craig starts up his boom box and we hear 95 South’s”Whoot, There It Is”]Boom Box:
Excuse me sonny, do you know where I can find somebooty?!
Whoot, there it is (Yeah you say it)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah I like that)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah a little louder)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah come on)
Whoot, there it is (Come on, come on yeah)
Whoot, there it is (I like that come on)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah, baby baby)
Whoot, there it is (Come on)
Submitted Anonymously
