Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 7
Phil Hartman’s Monologue
… Phil Hartman
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, PhilHartman!
Phil Hartman: [reserved, genial, and lookingsharp in an expensive suit] Thanks a lot. Thanks alot. You’re very kind. [character voice] “I just flewin from Hollywood and, boy, is my full o’ craptired!” …[normal voice] You know, uh, it is a pleasureto be back hosting Saturday Night Live, uh, I’ve beenso busy lately doin’ movies, talk shows, commercials.Hey, I’m not greedy. I’m just tryin’ to make ends meetlike you folks and just tryin’ to put bread on thetable, provide for my family.
I mean, your kids grow up so fast. I rememberthe day my son was born. I was doing an Arby’scommercial … and I got a message on the set thateverything went just fine but the second thatcommercial wrapped, I jumped a plane, flew backeast — to do another commercial for Hager slacks. …Yeah, I missed an important occasion but, with themoney I made from those two commercials, I was able tobuy my infant son a pair of colored contactlenses … and, now, he’s got beautiful greeneyes, just like the old man. Because it’s all aboutfamily. …
That’s why I did a Lorenzo Lamas movie for threemonths … so I could buy my daughter a panda bear –so that she could win Show-and-Tell. … Turns out youdon’t really win Show-and-Tell. … Bear diedafter a couple of weeks. Apparently, they only eatbamboo shoots. How was I supposed to know that?…
Oh, boy, but I’ll tell ya, I’m a lucky man, uh, butI’d be nothing without my lovely wife, Brynn. Ouranniversary’s comin’ up and I want to buy her adiamond necklace, just to show her what’s important tome: family, friends, good times–[Cut to photo of Michelob bottle and glass of beer.SUPER: Family. Friends. Good Times.]
Announcer V/O: Michelob![Cut back to Phil at Home Base.]
Phil Hartman: That should cover thenecklace! … We got a great show! Bush is here![cheers and applause] Stick around — we’ll be rightback!