SNL Transcripts: Phil Hartman: 11/23/96: The Joe Pesci Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci….Jim Breuer
Frank Sinatra….Phil Hartman
Michael Jackson….Tim Meadows
Debbie….Molly Shannon
Tough guy….Colin Quinn

(Opens with an Italian tarantella playing)

Announcer: Welcome to the Joe Pesci Show. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show]

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. Hey, everyone! How are you? I´m Joe Pesci! Nice, huh? I´m all ready for Thanksgiving here. (turkey on the table, pumpkin pie) I got my turkey here, I got a little pumpkin pie here. I got my carving knife! (pulls out a monster knife) Hey, I got everything! Its The Joe Pesci Show! All right. Tonight I have a very special guest, ladies and gentlemen, straight outta the hospital, he´s feisty as ever. Please welcome, chairman of the board, Mr.Frank Sinatra´s here!

(Frank Sinatra wearing a bathrobe comes out smoking a cigarette and a drink on his other hand. An I.V. sticks out his arm and a beautiful nurse is behind him. Frank gets the I.V. off and sits down)

Frank Sinatra: That enough baby. My tank is full.(Nurse tries to put I.V. back in) Hey, sweetheart. Since when do you stick me? Take that contraption to the van and hold tight.

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. Oh, Frankie, how are you? Let me tell you something, folks. It is truly an honor to have you sit here…

Frank Sinatra: My time on earth is short, half-pint. I get the point. You bought my records, you love my movies, your favorite aunt used to lock herself in the bathroom with a picture of me and a jar of olive oil. You´re a fan! Next question.

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. This guy, 80 years old. Still breaking my cojones over here.

Frank Sinatra: Don´t try to suck up to me by speaking the mother tongue. Last time I heard Sicilian I had to give Sam Giancana $200,000 of my Vegas money.

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. That´s really funny. Frank´s totally…

Frank Sinatra: Well, laugh it up, Mighty Mouse. This show´s worse than the one Dick Cavett had back when he wanted to kill himself. Man, that thing blew!

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh…

Frank Sinatra: Look at this jackass! He´s still yakking it up! You know, whose shoes did you had to shine to get this gig, Joey?

(Joe with a cigar on his mouth is angry but checks his anger)

Joe Pesci: You know, I´m gonna let that one slide because Mr. Sinatra here, hey, is a made man. And I don´t wanna end up buried in the end zone at Giant Stadium. You know what I´m saying?

Frank Sinatra: That´s right, you guinea Paul Williams. Hey, you folks know that? Joe Pesci big shot movie star used to be a shoeshine boy. Hey Joe, where´s your shoeshine box?

(Joe is fuming but lets it slide)

Joe Pesci: Let´s bring out our first guest, hey? Well, you´ve seen him a lot in the news lately. Please welcome, Mr. And Mrs. Michael Jackson. Bring ´em out here.

(Michael Jackson comes out with a veil covering his face, his pregnant “wife” comes behind him. He offers his hand to Frank to shake, Frank ignores him, Michael shakes hands with Joe. Michael and Debbie sit down)

Michael Jackson: (wimpy voice) Thank you. Hello, Joe. Hello, Frank.

Joe Pesci: So tell us, what´s going on? Is it really a bambino in there or what?

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, come on, sugarplum. Is this your handiwork or did you bring an independent contractor to finish the job?!

Michael Jackson: I don´t know why people just can´t accept the fact that I´m a heterosexual.

Joe Pesci: Oh, I don´t know, maybe cause they got eyes? You tell me…

Frank Sinatra: Maybe its because you keep turning boy scouts into millionaires!

Debbie: That´s unfair, Mr.Sinatra. That´s unfair.

Frank Sinatra: You know, I´d keep my trap shut if I were you, hot lips. You look awful familiar. I think I gave you a practice insemination in my dressing room at the Irvine Meadows back in 89!

Michael Jackson: You know Frank, you shouldn´t talk to Debbie like that. I love her, she´s my wife and she´s gonna be the mother of my child.

Joe Pesci: There´s only one way to settle this, Mike. What do you say? Lets see your sausage! What do you say?

Michael Jackson: What?

Frank Sinatra: He´s right, kid. You want to prove you´re innocent? Pull out that splotchy trouser mouse and let us check it for kiddie prints.

Michael Jackson: You have no right to say such horrible things. You greaseballs.

(Frank and Joe make “Oh” faces)

Joe Pesci: Oh, Mikey, Mikey…sound like you´re trying to be a tough guy in front of Dirty Diana over here.

Frank Sinatra: I think somebody´s gonna wake up tomorrow next to a chimp´s head.

(Joe gets behind Michael with a huge bat)

Joe Pesci: That is if he ever gets to wake up tomorrow.

(Joe whacks Michael in the neck. Michael falls on the floor. Debbie is alarmed. Frank gets up.)

Frank Sinatra: (mock singing) Don´t stop till he gets enough…

Joe Pesci: Its as easy as a, b, c. One! (whacks Mike) two!(whacks) three!(whacks)

Frank Sinatra: Get him now, shineboy!

Joe Pesci: I´ll give you shineboy! (Kicks Mike two more times) Shineboy! (Michael gets up and runs out) That’s it, that´s right. Go back to Neverneverland.

Debbie: Call me, Frank. (leaves)

Frank Sinatra: (scoffs) In your dreams. (sits) I´ll tell you Joe, that guy wouldn´t have lasted 2 minutes back in the 50´s. We would´ve pushed him off the roof of the Riviera, right?(grabs Joe´s arm)

Joe Pesci: Hey, watch the suit. Come on.

Frank Sinatra: What do you mean? Watch the suit? You know, I remember when you were a snot nose kid with a shinebox! I tell you folks, this kid used to make your shoes look like freaking mirrors! Salud, Joe.

Joe Pesci: No more shines, Frank. I don´t know if they ever told you up in Palm Springs but I don´t shine shoes no more. You know what I´m saying? Got a show and everything here.

Frank Sinatra: Joey, I´m just busting your horns a little bit. I haven´t seen you in a few years and I´m just joking around. Look, I´m sorry.

Joe Pesci: Look, I´m sorry too, Frank. Huh? I´m sorry.

Frank Sinatra: Now go get your shinebox!

Joe Pesci: You know what?! That is it!(gets up mad as hell) I don´t care who you are! You want a piece of me?!(grabs handfuls of turkey, throws it) You want a piece of me?! Come on, Frank! I take you—(Joe tries to get to a calm Frank jumping over his desk but two thugs grab him) Jesus, wait! Hey, Oh! Ow! (The two guys beat the hell out of Joe Pesci)

Frank Sinatra: All right, all right. That´s enough, show´s over! (spills his drink into the camera lens) Come on, turn it off! Hey, fellas! (two tough guys start punching the camera lens and break it) You! Get me another highball! I got a pinched nerve.

( Joe Pesci Show logo. Pesci is punch drunk over the couch)

(cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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