SNL Transcripts: Phil Hartman: 11/23/96: Soldiers not Coming Back


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7


96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Soldiers not Coming Back

Captain … Phil Hartman
1st Corporal … Jim Breuer
Private Thompson … Tracy Morgan
Corporal Connors … Colin Quinn
Sergeant … Darrell Hammond
Bloomfield … Tim Meadows
2nd Corporal … Mark McKinney
3rd Corporal … Chris Kattan
Miller … Norm Macdonald
Private Sullivan … Will Ferrell

[Snare drum – military music. Stock footage oftransport arriving at makeshift army base on tropicalisland. SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC / 1942 -Dissolve to a Captain, with pointer and map,explaining plans to a group of uniformedservicemen.]

Captain: Okay, this is our objective, men. Bydestroying this bridge, we cut off their mainsupplies. Any questions?

1st Corporal: Yes. Sir, when does therendezvous start?

Captain: Oh-one-hundred. Don’t be late,Corporal. Okay, men, now look, this isn’t gonna be aSunday picnic. Gonna give it to ya straight. Some ofyou won’t be coming back. Like, for example, you,Private Thompson. You won’t be coming back.

Private Thompson: [confused] Uh, sir?

Captain: You won’t be coming back.

Private Thompson: Uh, why not, sir?

Captain: [chuckles] Why not, Private? Well, Ithink perhaps being mowed down by enemy crossfiremight have something to do with it. Just like, uh,Corporal Connors over here. He won’t be comingback.

Corporal Connors: Sir?

Captain: You won’t be coming back.

Corporal Connors: I’m gonna die, sir?

Captain: I just got done saying that, Corporal.Don’t make me repeat myself, please.

Sergeant: Sir?

Captain: Yes, Sergeant?

Sergeant: Uh, am I hearing this right, sir? Youknow who’s gonna die?

Captain: Well, yes. When you’ve been soldieringas long as I have, then you can predict thesethings.

Sergeant: Ever had a wrong prediction,sir?

Captain: No.

Sergeant: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: No. You won’t be coming back.

1st Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: No.

2nd Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: Nope.

3rd Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: [high pitched, as if it were obvious]No-o-o.

Rogers: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: What? I can’t see. Is that you,Rogers?

Rogers: Yes, sir.

Captain: No.

Bloomfield: Uh, what about me, Captain?

Captain: Well, you’re gonna be fine, Stokowski,uh, A-OK, don’t worry about it.

Bloomfield: Uh, I’m Bloomfield, sir.

Captain: Oh! Bloomfield! You won’t be comingback. Sorry.

2nd Corporal: Uh, wh-wh-what about me,sir?

Captain: Well, Corporal, I’m afraid I’ve gotsome bad news for you.

2nd Corporal: Bad – bad news, sir?

Captain: Yes, you’re being demoted toprivate.

2nd Corporal: [relieved] I am? Is thatall?

Captain: No. You won’t be coming back.

3rd Corporal: Sir, my question is not about me.This is not a question about me. This is an unrelatedquestion.

Captain: Fine. But before you ask it, let mejust say, you won’t be coming back.

3rd Corporal: Oh, come on!

Captain: Yes, you’ll be killed by friendlyfire. Thompson there is gonna shoot you.

Private Thompson: [puts a hand on 3rdCorporal’s shoulder] Sorry, man.

3rd Corporal: Well, I – I won’t let it happen!I’ll make sure I never go near Thompson in thebattle!

Captain: [amused] Yeah, okay, whatever. [to asoldier with a raised hand] Yeah, Private Mitchelson,good to hear from you.

Miller: Uh, Miller, sir.

Captain: Oh, Miller, right. You won’t be comingback.

Miller: [unconcerned] Yeah, yeah, I know, sir.I kind of got that feeling. Listen, uh … what I waswondering was, uh, I thought maybe it’d be faster ifyou told us who’s not gonna die.

Captain: Who’s not gonna die?

Miller: Yeah.

Captain: [thinking] Uh, well, I’m notgonna die, uh, and– Sullivan! You’re not gonnadie.

Private Sullivan: I’m not, sir?

Captain: No. No.

Private Sullivan: [relieved] Oh, thankGod!

Captain: But you are gonna be capturedby enemy troops and you’re gonna be torturedrepeatedly for sport. Many, many, many years — longafter the war is over. In fact, among the nativesyou’ll be known as “Dubonka” or “He Who Begs for theDeath That Will Not Come.”

Private Sullivan: “Dubonka,” sir?

Captain: Dubonka, yes.

Private Sullivan: I, uh, I – I – I don’t wannabe Dubonka, sir.

Captain: [amused] Look, Private, I don’t wantto be allergic to wheat but I have no choice. I’ve hadto live with that. [to Bloomfield] Yes, what is it,Bloomfield?

Bloomfield: Uh, sir, wouldn’t it be easier tobomb this bridge from the air?

Captain: [quickly] Probably. Okay, let’sreview! [turns to the map, uses pointer] … We slipin here, oh-one-hundred. Oh-three-hundred, we take thebridge. Oh-four-hundred, Sullivan becomes Dubonka. Anyquestions? Dubonka, questions?

Private Sullivan: Uh, no. No, sir.

Captain: Okay, men, I’ll see you back here atoh-one-hundred in full combat gear, okay? Okay. Fallout. [The men begin to disperse but the Captain pointsto the 1st Corporal] Ah, not you, Corporal. [The restof the men exit. The Captain puts a hand on thecorporal’s shoulder] Listen, Corporal, I’m afraid Ihave some horrible news for you.

1st Corporal: Horrible news, sir?

Captain: Yeah, let’s take a walk, son. [Theystart to walk off – military music pots up] Have youever heard of the term “Wakatinku”?

1st Corporal: “Wakatinku,” sir?

[They exit. Applause. Fade.]

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