Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 9
Darnette Disposable Toilets
[FADE IN on a woman standing above a toilet with her hands on her hips.]
Announcer: Your bathroom sparkles, but what about the toilet? Its just not sanitary!
[The wife is seen scrubbing the rim of the toilet with a sponge and qutting in disgust.]
Announcer: You try scrubbing and cleaning, but its all a huge hassle. Now you can have a clean toilet after EVERY use, with new Darnette Disposable Toilets.
[CUT to a display of toilets in cardboard cases at a home improvement store.]
Announcer: These fine porcelain fixtures are only $169.95 each. Easy to use, and good for just one flush! How do they work? Simple.
[The husband walks up to the store display, and he and the announcer both heft up a toilet and struggle to put it in the cart.]
Announcer: [off camera] Each time you flush a Darnette toilet, replace it with a new one by following these easy steps:
[As the announcer describes the process, the husband is seen working diligently on replacing the toilet.]
Announcer: Shut off the main water valve and drain the tank. Using the elongated Johnson bar, pry off the toilet bowl and remove it free and clear. Remove the rubber washer and set it to one side. Youll need it later. Clean up the remaining water that has come out of the trap, replace the wax ring, apply a one-quarter-inch bead of caulk. Lift the bowl high enough to clear the flange bolts, lower it so that the horn of the bowl enters the floor flange and the two bolts come up through the holes on the bottom of the bowl. Seat the toilet on the flange, then, using a Stilson wrench, reattach the feed pipe to the ballcock valve, turn back on the valve to the feed and the main, and voila! In three hours, youve got yourself a new toilet. Its that easy!
[The husband and wife smile in admiration at his work, and then the announcer grins.]
Announcer: And when youre done with the Darnette disposable toilet, simply convert it into smaller pieces and place it into our customized Darnette dumpster.
[CUT to husband wearing safety goggles and smashing up a used toilet with a sledgehammer out in the yard.]
Announcer: So rest assured every time YOU use the toilet, its clean and fresh with Darnette.
[The husband and wife stand above a toilet as the wife blows her nose into a Kleenex and drops it in the toilet. The husband pulls out the elongated Johnson bar and gets ready to pry off the toilet. His wife nods in approval.]
Announcer: And also try our disposable sinks and bathtubs.
[Show a sink and bathtub in display cases, then CUT to the wife and kids enjoying a meal on the patio. The husband comes out, lugging a toilet in his hands, and heaves it into the dumpster. His wife grins happily.]
Announcer: Darnettes Disposable Toilets. Because if somethings dirty, just throw it away!
[FADE OUT on about ten used toilets littering the backyard.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield