Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 9
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic] [opening music: “O Come All Ye Faithful”] [dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, folks, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.
Our top story tonight comes from the O.J. Simpson civil trial, where this week it was revealed that in his first interview with police, Simpson had refused to take a lie detector test. His reason? It detects lies.
Meanwhile, Simpson defense attorney Robert Baker argued that a dark spot in a crime scene photo was a, quote, “mystery shoe print,” suggesting that there were actually two killers. O.J. hopes this will support his theory that he did not act alone.
President Bill Clinton and Russian president Boris Yeltsin have made tentative plans to meet early next year. According to the White House, the pair will use the meeting to resume their ongoing debate: drinking vs. pot smoking. [applause] Yeah!
The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking cigarettes. Although it should be noted the drug is crack, so…
A top aviation watchdog group warned this week that the nation’s airlines are vulnerable to terrorist attack. The biggest problem, apparently, watchdog groups pointing out to terrorists that airlines are vulnerable to attack. That’s the…[little reaction] That’s all right.
Over the next two months, the [begins stumbling over his words] murderer…I – I’m sorry, after the…uh – uh…over the next four, the– hih-gyah-gyah! [applause]…Over the next two months, the number of Border Patrol agents in Tuscon, Arizona will double to 49. Meanwhile, the number of illegal aliens sneaking into the country will hold steady at 100 million billion. So…[surprised by lack of reaction] Did I screw something else up or something?
Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died this Monday at the age of 83. Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace until some nosy anthropologist digs her up in a couple of…[applause] That’s a nice obituary for the lady.
This week renowned heart surgeon Michael DeBakey attacked the hypocrisy of Hollywood stars who oppose the use of animals in medical research and yet wear ribbons supporting the war on deadly diseases like AIDS. In response, animal activist Ricki Lake said, quote, “But the red ribbon diverts attention from my gigantic ass! [some cheers and applause, then tries to explain the joke]…If it wasn’t for the red ribbon, people would – would notice my gigantic ass more! They– By wearing the red ribbon, less people…”
Well, a big seller this holiday season is Michael Bolton’s Christmas album, This Is the Time. Happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap! [cheers and applause]
Once again, it is Christmas in New York, and while that means angry shoppers and tasteless decorations…[stares at the camera while neatening his stack of papers, makes an aside to the cue card guy] you can flip that card any time you want, [resumes story] it also means something more. Here with a fresh perspective on the meaning of Christmas are the stars of the upcoming movie Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, MTV’s own Beavis and Butt-Head![Beavis and Butt-Head appear on the screen behind Norm. Setting is in front of Rockefeller Center. Butt-Head is dressed as Santa. Beavis is dressed as a reindeer.]
Butt-Head: Uh…what? Did he just say our name? Uh huh huh huh.
Beavis: These earphones suck. You can’t get any music on them. It’s just some dumb dork going, “Blah, blah, blah…Christmas is the meaning of…bleeh…”
Norm: Hey – hey – hey – hey guys, it’s – it’s me, Norm MacDonald, you’re on.
Butt-Head: Uh…uh huh huh. What did you just say? Uh huh huh…
Norm: Uh, y – you’re on!
Butt-Head: Uh, you know, Norm, when you just said that, it kinda sounded like you said “urine.” Uh huh huh huh…
Beavis: Heh heh heh m heh! Hey Butt-Head! Heh. You just said “urine” on TV! Heh heh m heh.
Butt-Head: Uh…yes I did. Uh huh huh huh huh. Uh huh…
Norm: Hey come on, guys, hey, how about…how about that report on the true meaning of Christmas, huh?
Butt-Head: Oh yeah. Uh huh huh huh huh. Check this out, uh huh huh. Uh…every year, fat people stuff themselves with tons of food and crap. And yet other people have no place to go and nothing to eat. That’s Christmas. Uh huh huh…
Beavis: Heh heh, yeah really, hm hm heh. Heh heh heh hm m heh!
Norm: So guys, that’s all you have to say about the meaning of Christmas? I mean…what about all the materialism and crass commercialization?
Butt-Head: Oh yeah. Huh huh! We got this movie coming out, it’s called Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, and if everyone goes to see it, we’ll get lots of money!
Beavis: Heh heh, yeah, YEAH, MONEY, MMONEY, MONEY, AND SOME CHICKS, AND A…[Butt-Head pulls on Beavis’ reins] OWW!
Butt-Head: Huh huh. Settle down, Beavis. Uh huh huh huh.
Beavis: Hm heh. Um, hey MacDonald, heh heh, check this out, heh heh hm heh. ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the theater, not a creature was stirring, except for my peter! Heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh m heh! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing! Heh heh…
Norm: Okay, thanks a lot, guys. I’ll be thinking of you when I throw another log on the fire.
Butt-Head: Butt-Head: Huh huh huh huh! Log!
Beavis: Hm hm heh heh, fire! Fire! Heh heh heh hm heh…
Norm: Beavis and Butt-Head, ladies and gentlemen! Thanks, fellas!
This week, security guard Richard Jewell, who had sued NBC over comments by Tom Brokaw suggesting that he was the Olympic Park bomber, settled out of court with the network for an undisclosed sum. Meanwhile, the FBI has a new ni – 800 number for tips on the case, and curiously, the first call was from Mr. Jewell, who suggested that they check out Tom Brokaw.
This week, the Chairman of the Board, Frank Sinatra, turned 81 years old, and he was honored by having the Empire State Building lit in blue. Also, in Mr. Sinatra’s honor, the Empire State Building had the Twin Towers rough up the Chrysler Building. [applause]
Grocery and department stores across America have added reserved parking spaces for expectant mothers. Especially excited about this innovation are handicapped drivers, who will finally get to park in someone else’s space.
In a recent interview, actress Goldie Hawn says that she does not mind if the man she’s married to cheats on her, explaining, quote, “Sexual experimentation is a basic need of all men.” You can read more about Goldie Hawn’s personal philosophy in my new book: Goldie Hawn: The Greatest Woman Who Ever Lived. [applause]
And finally, the number one selling doll this Christmas is Tickle Me Elmo. And the least popular selling doll? You guessed it: Tickle Me Frank Stallone.[surprised by early cut to other camera] Jesus! Good night, everybody! Thanks! [closing music: Christmas music] [dissolve to “Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald” graphic] [fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson