Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 10
Attebury Home Security
Mrs. Attebury…..Ana Gasteyer
Mr. Attebury…..Mark McKinney
[ open on interior, Attebury sunroom as ramble-mouthed Mrs. Attebury enters with Technician ]
Mrs. Attebury: [ holding a glass of Seagram’s ] And this is the sunroom, where I plan on parking myself all Winter with a Hot Toddy, isn’t it fabulous, don’t you love it? This is one of the best neighborhoods in Bethesda, I mean, nowhere is safe anymore.
Technician: Well, that’s why I’m here, Mrs. Attebury, we’ll get you all set with some automatic floodlights. You know, get some motion sensors on the windows, the whole standard package.
Mrs. Attebury: [ holds her hand up to indicate her bored husband sitting sitting on a Barco-lounger, reading a book and enjoying a Scotch ] Oh, this is my huband Lesley, by the way.
Technician: Oh, how are you doing there, Mr. Attebury?
Mr. Attebury: Uh, who’s there now?
Mrs. Attebury: Lesley, this is Jim from the home security place. Jim knows so much about our house by now, if he decides to go into burglery he’ll be our first hi! [ laughs ]
Technician: Well, I should probably measure these windows for the sensors.
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, my goodness.. Libby Wadsworth said we absolutely had to have those, and she should know, I mean you know what happened to Wadsworth, don’t you, Les?
Mr. Attebury: Uh.. I don’t know who that is, dear..
Mrs. Attebury: Yes, you do, don’t you remember it was that silent auction for the symphony, or what have you, and – he doesn’t know! Anyway, apparently, Doug Wadsworth came downstairs to go to work, goes to his car, and there are four tickets to Sunday’s Redskins game tied to the windshield, he had absolutely no idea how they got there, I mean can you believe it, isn’t that bizarre?
Technician: [ tolerating her so far ] Wow, that’s really strange!
Mrs. Attebury: Isn’t that the most wonderful, I thought it was so strange, he couldn’t decide whether or not this was some sort of manna from heaven, you know, maybe some kind of promotion or something! At any rate, apparently, come Sunday, they all trundle off to the game, have a wonderful time, come home, and sure enough these supposed generous ticket givers have cleaned out the place, I mean isn’t that just the most awful, awful, wonderful, wonderful story you ever heard, I just love that, absolutely fabulous, you can’t make this kind of stuff up, you just absolutely can’t, I love it!
Technician: [ desperately trying to get out of the conversation ] Well, if you want me to get this done today, I’m gonna have to get going..
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, absolutely, God, I’m so paranoid!
Mr. Attebury: Yeah, the woman sleeps with a hammer under the bed there..
Mrs. Attebury: It’s a C-Clamp.
Mr. Attebury: Yeah, well, whatever..
Technician: Okay, well, I’m just gonna go out to my truck, and get, uh..
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, speaking of trucks, Winky Styles told me the most wonderful, wonderful story I ever..
Technician: Yeah, well, you know, I’d love to hear it, but I don’t have much time to..
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, I think you might want to hear this, it might be very, very interesting to you – listen, I’m gonna have another splash of Seagram, you want to wet your whistle?
Technician: No thanks.
Mrs. Attebury: Alright. Les, do you want a little splash?
Mr. Attebury: Uh, don’t touch my Scotch..
Mrs. Attebury: Alright, well, anyway, just listen to this story, I think you’ll just absolutely love it, I think it might be very helpful for you in your security business, or whatever you do.. apparently, Doug and Winky Styles’ youngest daughter Jane, the one with anorexia
Mr. Attebury: Anorexia? She’s as big as a house..
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, I know, I know, poor thing, it’s not her fault.. but anyway, apparently, she comes home from one of these semesters at sea, or whatever the thing is, with this sort of hippy carpenter fellow in tow, you know the sort of fellow, he went to a state university, that kind of a person..
Technician: Right, right, I went to a state university..
Mrs. Attebury: Well, anyway, appearently, this fellow just sort of makes himself at home in their living room for three or four months..
Technician: Look, Mrs. Attebury, I really have ot get going on this, because, you know..
Mrs. Attebury: Ah ah ah, I think you’re really gonna enjoy it, it gets so absolutely bizarre.. apparently, one day, when Doug was off at the Cape or Nantucket, or something like that, I don’t know where he was, Winky comes home and finds this creature standing in her living room stark-naked, wrapping all of your wedgewood in bubble wrap and cramming it into a duffle bag, I mean can you stand it! I just love it, can you stand it!
Technician: Not much longer.
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, well, anyway, apparently, this fellow just sort of looked Winky in the eye, asked her for a Diet-Rite cola, and then relieved himself on the carpet! Isn’t that the most bizarre, wonderful, awful thing that ever happened, I just loved it, I couldn’t stand it..
Technician: [ interrupting ] LIsten! Listen! I can’t stand here and talk all day, because..
Mrs. Attebury: When the whole thing was over, Winky just kind of rolled up the carpet and put it in the barn, I said, “Give the carpet to me, it’s a $4,000..”
Technician: [ pulls out his screwdriver and points it at her face as he jumps around the room frantically ] Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UUUUPPP!! It’s MY turn to talk now! ALRIGHT?!! I don’t WORK for the alarm company, and I’m about to FILL this house with your SCREAMS!!
Mrs. Attebury: Uh.. Les.. do something.. please don’t hurt us.. [ babbles incoherently ]
Mr. Attebury: [ taking charge ] Yes, silverware’s under the stairs, there.
Technician: I’m NOT screwing around!! I’m gonna BIND your hands with phone cords, shoot crystal meth into my thigh and go CAVEMAN on you!!
Mrs. Attebury: [ frightened, struggles for a word to say ]
Technician: [ lowers his screwdriver and smiles ] Oh, I’m just kidding there, I just wanted to get your attention, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise there!
Mr. Attebury: Bravo!
Technician: Sorry about that, Mrs. Attebury! I’m gonna head out to my truck there and get my stuff. You know, with all those stories about crimes, I thought you’d get a kick out of that! [ exits sunroom ]
Mrs. Attebury: That was hidious, I feel so violated! [ pauses ] Wasn’t that the most wonderful, wonderful, awful thing, you can’t make that kind of thing up, that’s an absolutely wonderful reason to have a story..!
Mr. Attebury: [ shakes his glass ] Ice, I need ice..[ fade ]